Right now this week.

Friday 3rd Febuary

It was my m8s birthday so i headed out late after work decent night pretty quiet,fucked backup,She didnt get up for work on saturday cos she wanted to stay in bed with me!! She said she just wanted a quiet dvd night in i was like thatd be nice i cant be arsed going out actually.

Saturday 4th Febuary

I pop round back ups for a quiet dvd night and theres a bunch of people there?!
her m8 from the navy (fat chode) and Nick the pot head:s
I said what happened to our dvd night?? oh my m8s not back for long,so i was like ok whatever.
Apparently Phantom her ex and m8 are out in town,so we all go to meet em (not that i want to:S).
I get to the pub and very quickly become uncomfortable (always do around Phantom ) i talk to her ex for a bit he seems pretty cool tho all he seems to do is waffle on about his job and how much money he make BORING!! so after a half hour of feeling like my state is nose diving into the ground i tell backup to give me the keys to her flat and i go sit in the flat on my own feeling sorry for myself
I start to chill out a bit and just as im thinking i might head back into town to see everyone they come back looking slightly worse for wear.
Fat chode seems to be trying everything he can to get into back up so i tell him to chill the fuck out or ill throw him out (not cos i was bothered cos she asked me to!!) Anyways long story short Phantoms ex and me seemed to get on tho he had the strong sense of reality i tbh cos i was tired just chilled out did talk loads,tried to hold court almost and watched the mayhem unfold.Highlights were me backup and Phantom all getting off with each other,Phantom giving me a hand job in the toilet,Fat chode leaving then ringing backup of which backup put the phone on load speaker so we could all hear then me and Phantoms ex asking her to ask him really personal questions (ie dya want me to suck you dick lol.He said i was arrogant and she should go out with him etc she ended up saying everyone was gone when we hadnt and when he came back over she got off with Phantom in his face of which he stormed out again,really mean but funny.However the end of the night went down hill majorly,i heard Phatoms ex and back up talking about getting and taking coke soon, of which i said previously i dont want to spend anytime around women on hard drugs,Phantoms ex walked Phantom home not me!! (hoping she would stay over!!) back up got so fucking blitzed to the point i felt like i was baby sitting her and when i wanted to sleep she want being a total knob and not letting me so i was like fuck this im going home.
things just really really grated me a lot.

Thoughts

.Back ups gone properly gone i cant be doing with that shit ive got enuff of my own.I will stay m8s but thats it.(fucking no wank febuary 2 ffs!!)

.Im going to the gym properly now with my personal trainer (god it hurts constantly)Im taking it very seriously and trying my best with the eating but its a struggle. So my week goes like this mon wed fri gym tues thurs teach myself to break dance sat sun mma which is a good set of things to do as they seem to compliment each other and all something i want to do.

.Im thinking of missing going out for a few weeks as im struggling to get in a pattern with the eating and sleeping well i really need to get that stuff down as its very important and im very aware im good at quiting stuff and this simply isnt an option!! tho being no wank feb in not so sure i will now

8 years ago - when i was 27 i met up with a 15 year old and she gave me a blow job in my car
felt weird txting her the next day and she telling me she was in school

Friday 10th Febuary

Had some kind of double date thing with me and Backup and her blondy leggy mate and her new fella.It went pretty well and was a good laugh mucking about on the just dance Wii game or whatever its called.It was nice to not be in a pub/club 2 for a change.Obv slept with Backup.

Saturday 11th Febuary

I ended up going to Northampton for a Northern soul night,which was way scary at first so out of my depth it knocked me for six.The whole thing wasnt my scene but it was nice for a change and to get away from small town living.I danced with a few birds but it was mainly older women who wernt exactly my type.So about 2 o clock i get back to my usual haunt in my town.Lo and behold that hot chick with the glasses is there boom straight in number drop,i try to push it further but she suddenly has to go (i text her a few days later no answer..oh well) so i wander about the place and meet quite a few peeps i havent seen in ages but no progress really.Then Backup turns up and well you can guess the rest right!!

All Over The Place
This week has been a nightmare ive felt extremily broke,depressed,ill and despondent.Ive not been well enought to go gym,i cant afford to eat the right kind and amount of food im spossed to.Ive got a ton of stuff hanging over my head,ive had a stand up row with a mate from work who called me a grass and now were not talking to each other,which makes my not so great job even worse.Plus Valentines gets me down badly every year,(tho id did go round backups with some viagra last night,even this cheered me up only briefly).
I feel like a failure i never complete anything or finish anything and if i start something always comes up to stop me ggrr i just want to lock myself away in my flat so i dont have to deal with anything anymore.

Lovefish, you sound like you're dangerously close to falling into a relationship with Backup or at least leading her to believe it is becoming one...

As for the not affording the food thing I would suggest frozen veg (always cheap) Tescos and Asda do frozen chicken breasts for £5, iceland do lean mince for £2 and if you need fresh veg then greengrocers and fruit & veg market stall make that very reasonable! I can do a whole weeks shop of healthy food incl. lots of protein for £20 or less when I'm skint, pm me if you need details.

Don't worry about the low feeling too, I go through a peaks and troughs and I usually find it came from relying on other people to deliver, the happiest I have been is when I sorted myself out with what I wanted to do. Yeah some of my friends were there but I would have gone without them and I sometimes did...

Decide what makes you happy then do it!

Thanks for the advice Dale
Backup knows i dont want a relationship with her and ive made this plain and clear to her on several occassions,she insists she also does not want a relationship,so id call it friends with benefits.Shes not gf material and never will be,i know id be selling myself short if i started an ltr.
Tbh I keep planning on being rid of her,but i find it hard when i dont seems to be particularly successful with getting other girls.Its hard to say No and go home on your own,when you know you could go back to hers and she will let you do anything you want pretty much (still a major novelty as my ex didnt want to do anything at all!!).
£20!! wow mine costs me nearer to £30-40 at morrisons,i think i need to shop around a bit more try to get better deals.I find it quite hard to get around 2 much as i dont have a car,so i tend to just go to the closest supermarket to me,plus in morrisons i know where everything is rather than hunting for ages for this that or the other,which does my head in when its busy.
Well things have looked up a bit since my last FR,ill explain more fully when i get a chance to do this weeks one,but im on the up again and learnt a thing or 2 along the way
I have decided what makes me happy and the rest of this year is dedicated to doing just that.

Right here goes another report

Friday 17th Febuary

At this stage of last week i was obv still not in the best of states.It was a dead suck ass night.The only thing that happened was that Backup begged me to stay,i said ok but i didnt want to be late as i was tired.So when i wanted to go i warned her then told her 3 times.She was so pissed she lost her bag,so i found it gave it to her and grabbed her to go,she was like i just wanna stay for a fag,Well i was about to lose the plot,however i said firmly,"i told you i wanted to go early,ive told you 3 times im going!! im not waiting round like a chump when i said i wanted to go" then walked off and left her.I went home getting and ignoring her many calls and texts.This is a departure for me as before i would have hung round all night tired hoping i would get laid,instead i demostrated that i wasnt gona be messed about and that i was higher value

Saturday 18th Febuary

Wow what a night.
I was expecting total deadness being one of the last saturdays of the month.But town was packed and i got into state pretty quickly.Very early on i bumped into a bunch of lads from my class in school (it was one of their 30th birthdays) i hadnt seen a few of them in 14yrs!! Wow it soon became appartent that most were fatter,balder and chodier than school.A few were married with kids and a few hoplessly going nowhere.It became aparent to me i was not fat or bald or doing as badly as a lot of these guys!! considering i was the fat ginger kid at school who got bullied they were all full of compliments for me,which i really appreciated.My m8 Bob said your pretty much the happiest guy here and you drinking water haha he also asked how every woman that walks by i seem to know?? i just shrugged my shoulders and winked
I spent a lot of the night trying to get a beautiful goth girl id been talking to on facebook,but everytime i relocated with her someone butted in/got in the way, isolating was a total nightmare all night.I had her pissing herself lauging and was very full on with kino but after several fruitless hours trying on and off,so guy who had been bothering her turned up when i wasnt around and she left cos of him ggrr
I opened loads this night and by the time i was about to leave i was talking to pretty much all and everyone,a really good one i remeber was Aerosmith love in an elevator being played on the sound system i was hanging in the beer garden singing along so im like "living it up when your going down" randomly to a tall blonde that passes by (god knows why i used this as an opener but ah well??) she looks confused and says "living it up??" i shake my head at her and say "going down" and chuckle,her and her m8s piss themselves.
Anyways at about half 1 everyone wants to go chill out (smoke pot) at a m8s,i reluctantly leave with them.Bad move we go to the pissed chodes house who put free style jazz on which did my nut in
So at about 3 me and Bob are like fuck this enoughs enough weve got to go to blah blah (bullshit excuse here) and he and his gf head home i drop round backups.

Thoughts

I realized on saturday meeting the guys from school I AM NOT DOING THAT BAD!!!!!!!!! the depression has faded away since that night.None of those guys are doing what im doing and i realized i have grown in the right direction in the last 6 months,but obv being inpatient its not quick enough for me haha
I have decided to stop moping and DO something im selling all the crap in my flat trying to get some cash together as well as having less stuff to move with where ever that may be.I think stripping back and living by the basics again is going to be beneficial as well as giving me some money for a deposit etc.

Intent

I deffo should off/could off got laid on saturday however i didnt take the risks or go for the kill.I moved in talked kinoed and made a few laugh.My new goal is to push for more,go for the kiss/lay and accept more that you will fail but you will learn.Im heading the right way saturday proved that but more work needed

More Crap News

My work took all the staff in for a meeting on monday and explained they were moving to smaller premises in june and there would be jobs going.I deffo feel i will be in the firing line as im on probation till the middle of march,its easier to get rid of me for free that to keep me and pay of someone with severance pay!!
With that in mind im thinking more and more of heading up north to cumbria for a new start,plus while im out of work its gona be easier to live with my parents.So im going to give my months notice on my flat,ive also had to cancel mma and gym etc its crappy but i need as much money in pocket till i know im in a stable financial situation

Not much to put this week.
I didnt go out either friday the 24th or saturday the 25th,just chilled wid mates on friday and had a movie night wid backup saturday.

Going backwards

Ive not been at my best this week i degenerated into wasting my money on shit food and not doing much of anything, in turn this is making me feel knackered all the time as my diets be so bad and ive never had so much to do!!
I think it is mainly because ive got so many things hanging over my head and im scared i will make the wrong choice and end up homeless or something.
All i know is this next month is critical and im very scared of going forwards.
Im going to try to get back on track and go and get some propper food tommorow and this in turn will help my energy levels.
I will also try to get some advice on my worries (mainly whether i should hand in my months notice in on my major expensive flat im desperate to get out off and hoping i either keep my job and can move in wid a mate at a new flat ive got lined up,or even more scarier move up north with my parents.Tbh id love to be moving to London or some sprawling city but one step at a time i guess.

Its been a long while since ive last done an update i cant remeber dates for everything and a lot has happened and quite a lot of it bad but some of it good.I will try to put what i remember to the best of my ability.

Friday march the second i went to Nottingham to see some bands and went out after god i loved it i had an amazing night,hanging out with a few m8s and so many hot girls all over the place.So i got to thinking if im getting made redundant i might as well go for a quick move to Nottingham as it seems to be my kinda city.Not to mention Hot Goth Girl from back in October texts me wanting to meet up on monday

Saturday march the third i nearly cried coming home on the train and went out that evening in my town, god at first it really sucked but then i snapped out of it and opened a bit more.I got opened!! like first time even it was by a girl i used to go college with 10yrs earlier she was like you havent changed a bit,(i was thinking god damn you have for the better).I could have/should have pushed harder,but the most i did was grab her arse and get her number (turned out to be a flake in the end :s).The rest of the night got better and better.Phantom turned up a bit pissed and pounced on me first thing
Her and the guy shes fucking fell out big time in the pub and she stormed off,id just popped to the shop with my m8 who wanted fags.So i grabbed her round the arm and said "Im walking you home!!).Well we get to hers and im starting to get my hopes up,when Backup rings Phantom from the pub asking where we are,stupidly she picks up the phone when im in the pisser and tells her where we are,im thinking fuck fuck fuck.Then im like whatever if im doing her she wont answer the door and i pounce on her.Damn its going well then bang bang at the door im thinking either she got a cab/lift or can run faster than Bolt!!
No matter what i do Phantom wants to answer the door even when im like No!! in a stern manner.Fuck im pissed off now,tho i keep the cool calm exterior, well Backups here to cock block obv gggrr and the second she wanders off etc we get off with each other the second she turns up Phantom stops even when i hold on its annoying.Im the end the lays not on im tired so im like hey im going,Backups like "like ill come 2" I tell her "NO!!" (later that night she rings me and i lose the plot at her telling her we are not going out and as far as im concerned whatever was going on with us is done!!!

Monday the 5th I go to work and they tell me i have a permenant job im thinking wkd i can take a loan out asap and get my car and my teeth fixed finally.
Goth girl turns up fuck i forgot how hot she was,tbh it was a really painful experience,i know she was tired from working all day but she didnt interface with anything really and went early,when i started reminding her of our little union a few months ago she batted it away like i farted in her face :S bad times.
In the end she didnt stay as long as she planned and i was left standing at the bus stop thinking how could i fuck it up again!!damn it.
I got back to the flat and decimated the place i havent broken shit in ages but it really got battered to hell
The only time she looked interested was when i was poking her in the arm and pulling faces at her,so there is a lesson learnt there!!

I went to work on tuesday and we had a big meeting basically telling us the company i work for are moving to Coventry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! no loan for me Bummer
Ive never been there, but every person ive asked about it since has said it is a real shithole
Well this was way to much for me to handle and for the last few weeks ive been rather stupid,ive took a heap full of drugs and not left my flat apart from to go out and grab some crap food or drugs then return to it.I even smoked a few cigarettes the other day which i hadnt done in over 3yrs!! stupid stupid.
I was gona drop pua,life everything just sitting in my pity pot scared to deal with stuff really.
The past few days ive come back round tho and realized 2 weeks has gone by since i was told my work are going at the start of June and ive done nothing but take drugs and make excuses!!
So the safe option is stay where i am, which is what i was considering as its easier with the pets and it would mean i wouldnt have to sell the car,tv etc (as the sales of these fell thru in the same weekend and needing the cash for a deposit it was my top SAFE option).
I still havent been to coventry yet so this saturday im going to Coventry unfortunately only in the day as i would like to check out the nightlife,however i have never heard anything about any kind of decent live music,alt/goth clubs/pubs there or stuff that might interest me,but the plus is i would just have to move there as i have a job.
Or where im leaning and my original plan is Nottingham which has everything i want great live music veues and alt pubs/clubs plus a large female goth/alt/emo/student community but the finding a job/place to live could be very challenging (pets).
Or even up north where my parents are but i would put this as last option as its cold and rains a lot and theres not heaps more to do that where i am now,which has bugger all but is pretty near everything to travel to tho.

Latest realizations

FEAR ive realized from this little episode it rules my life.Im shit scared of the unknown and uncertaintly,hence thinking of staying in my small town life rather than take a real big risk and move to a city!! But ive also realized like my saying says below without risk taking we become nothing!! In a city id have so many more options!! i seem to really struggle when like now im juggling a few plates and i dont know deffo what the right moving is and i dont wanna do anything incase its the wrong choice.But at the end of the day time ticks on so i need to just pick and go for it. Im aiming for Nottingham and staying where i am as a fall back idea incase i cant land work up there.That way i can still keep applying and going to interviews whilst living here working another job.That is unless Coventry blows me away this weekend?!

Ps good news ive got a buyer for my car so i have money for a deposit to move now just the tv haha