I came across some guys from my Secondary school days again 2 days ago (Saturday). There is an earlier post about this previous encounter in this thread.

Prior to going out Saturday I started reading 'The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle'. I got up to the 3rd chapter, with the 2nd chapter emphasis on 'pain both past and present'. A lot of what is in the book so far is making a lot of sense to me in terms of my journey of change and the reasons behind it. As a note, I've realised that I am no longer thinking all the time, my attitude is changing; during confrontation I'm biting the bullet instead of fueling the anger fire. Though I want this change, I don't want to go too far i.e. I don't want to give into confrontation all the time; be a little pussy. I want something in between anger and being a pussy.



When I went out on Saturday I saw these 2 lads from my past; 1 of them I was close mates with, mainly due to our link up in school and junior club football as 'the iron duo'. I shit you not, the reporter from the local paper called us that and it just stuck. Anyway, now to the present day, both of these lads I really don't like. I saw them and immediately felt the anger build up inside of me. It was taking me over, just like before when it then ended up being self destructive i.e. me attacking my progressing etc...



Then I remembered what I read in the book about pain, past and present. And I could feel the last little bit of me that wasn't thinking about the situation, that wasn't analyzing what to do, I slowed it down and made it look up (lifting my head up) before it was totally en-caved in the shell I'd created. In that moment I literally just decided to stop thinking, stop making a big deal about this, stop wrapping myself up around this pain, stop thinking about the pain and then subsequently stop feeling the emotions of the pain i.e. the anger, etc.. It was like a mental kick up the arse.



I began to come back from out of my shell, I stopped thinking about the past and devoted my attention to the present. The best thing about this is that I saw the 2 lads from a distance, meaning that before they even got close to me I had gone through this whole process. When they did pass I blanked them, I had no emotion, no thoughts, I devoted time and attention to what I was doing; which was only pushing a trolley, not exactly a mighty task. I saw these 2 lads again at the self service checkouts and again, I experienced nothing. I actually had 1 thought which was "he looks stupid with fat shoulders and a super small head; reminds me of that alien shopkeeper in 'Men in Black' where they shoot his head off and he has a tiny head for a few seconds before it grows back to full size".



I have not attacked my progression, rather the opposite, I have seen that I have progressed and progressed rapidly. I put out the build up of anger and the spreading anger fire it was causing almost as quickly as it had started, I began to take control. I need to carry this state of devoting my attention to the present into everyday life instead of for only a few seconds/minutes in challenging situations. But, it's a start.



I found my happy present state whilst I was out 1 night walking my dogs. I looked up at the stars and instantly everything else didn't matter, no thoughts or anything. There I found that this was a stepping stone to unlocking the grip my mind has over me. I found that it is possible for me to move into a state where I devote my attention to the present and nothing else.

I will be working on all of this a lot more, especially now that I've seen some very positive results.

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This doesn't necessarily mean that I think everything that Tolle says is true; there's some parts that I've read up to the present day where I think he is totally wrong. Though, I will continue to read as I feel I can take some things from his teachings.

Living in the present and being more aware of your thoughts (the mechanics of them, not what they are) is something I've found pretty awesome lately. Although sometimes I forget to do both of these or have a tough time getting back there if I'm in a bad mood.

This resonated quite well with me. So often we forget to just sit back and look at how big the world is and how small we are in the grand scale of things. The present moment, that process oriented trance is the only thing that matters. Enjoy the moment.

I've noticed this extreme 'present' feeling just before giving a presentation or doing a cold approach. Similar levels of high anxiety for me.

I start to notice tiny details in the environment that I wouldn't normally.

Like a corner of one of the carpet tiles on the floor near my feet is sticking up slightly or one of the vertical blinds on the window is slightly twisted.

Or someone coughs at the back of the room and I hear all the tones and vibrations of the cough as they resonate around the room.

I'm not thinking about anything at that point. Simply experiencing what's coming through my senses directly and non-judgmentally.

I would like to be able to be in this state more often. But it seems hard to do it on demand. It needs constant practice I think.

I've read a few techniques in books but I get lazy and forget to practice them.

I am becoming more aware now how much the mind play tricks on us.

We can't control events outside of us but we can learn to control how we respond internally to those events. We can question the beliefs that distort events in unhealthy ways.

Getting to the point where you do not feel you need to control anything or anyone around you in order for you to be happy is definitely the way to go.

Whilst I getting good results (above post) with people from the past, it is very different with people that I know the most; family.
They know my vulnerabilities that wind my up and piss me off, it seems that my family is the only thing that is working against me and my goals.


I'm not a family orientated person, not at all. I have been like that my whole life. I remember been told in school that family is the centre of everything; if you don't have or want a family then you'll never get married; if you don't want a family then you'll never be happy.
I know this is bullshit now but back in school, when I was taught that I remember been fucking messed up for months, maybe years because of it.


I never wanted family because I think its over rated. Personal opinion. Everybody I meet all state that they can see the resemblance between me and my dad. That's fustrates me so much, I don't not want to be like my dad, I want to be myself. That is possibly 1 reason why I don't want a family; so its like a radical change that seperates me from my dad. That is how I rationalised it, that was my reasoning, and I had this mind frame from 15 year old.


That little part of school lives on in my mind anytime I'm with family. I always have them reoccuring thoughts and these thoughts also materialize into other things such as thinking "she won't like me" during an approach.


Every fucking thing I'm wanting to change is burried under years and years of other things which makes it very difficult to get to.
Moving away seems the best option.

I've been able to find a way for me to go from a thinking/past state to a present state. It involves taking some control of my heart rate, slowing it down by breathing better and focusing on any particular object in front of me. This takes only a few seconds.


However, stopping myself from getting dragged back into a thinking state is still a long way off.

Early days yet.


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Got a phone call off a girl I haven't seen in ages that's majoring at Manchester Uni. We were very close, friends with benefits. She's 25 now "you'll be getting a free bus pass soon!"

Anyway, she's wanting a catch up and was going to come back up here and rent a room but I decided to tell her I'll come to Manchester instead for a few days; use this as a good way to scope the city out.


Should be fun.

Walking my dog and saw a car run over a tiny fox in the middle of the road only 2 minutes from my house. I was going to leave it but it started moving and I thought to myself "don't be a cunt, just have a look see if it's alright".

From what I could see after I pritty much muzzled it's mouth with the dogs lead, it only had a leg problem. So I brought it back to the house and made a splint for it's leg from 1 of my old metal knee braces from when I had my surgery. And it's now in my use-to-be indoor ferret enclosure with the portable heater and stuff. It's up and walking about with a little bit of a hobble.


RSPCA vet is coming out tomorrow.

I feel like a fucking hero. Though it's only a fox...

Well the Fox was alive this morning so suppose that's a good start. Still limping, the splint is doing a good job. It ate half a chicken pritty quickly. Dogs were mega jealous.


Vet is due between 12 - 5 .. Was thinking about putting the ferret harness on it and taking it for a walk this morning when its cry woke me up at 5am.


This is my good deed for the week.

That has crossed my mind.

I'm hoping that the vet doesn't take it. I should work out some persuasion tactics.

After a good in-depth discussion the vet and the RSPCA officer have agreed to leave the fox with me as the vet feels the leg problem is only a sprain and needs no medical intervention.


She said because its a fox the RSPCA rarely take them into the clinic as there are loads of them about and the priority of the RSPCA is to look after the most at risk animals first.

It should be released either tonight or tomorrow night. Makes me slightly nervous since it nearly took a few of my fingers off when trying to get it to come out of its den for the vet.