Haha around Eindhoven the vast majority of people don't wear clogs outside, Summer wears them as indoor shoes .. why she needs 8 pairs of them is still a mystery.


It doesn't put me off moving here but it will take some getting use to seeing people wearing them and also them take centre stage at a shoe shop.


I saw both "chauffeuse" and "chauffeuress" couldn't decide which one would be right. To be honest though, at first I was happy to just call her a chauffeur.

I'd try anything once...except wearing clogs and buggery.

They sound like a god damn horse walking, fucking clipity clop.

I actually have a migraine from the constant noise of them.
She better start walking barefoot in the house this weekend.

We had a "we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend" talk last night. All rather pointless I thought since I don't want anything with her other than to just be friends. I humoured her and listened.

In the morning we went out to town again. I couldn't help but be amazed when I saw a store totally devoted to clogs. Crazy! Apparently it's a specialised store, they make clogs to exactly what the customer wants. There was some wacky stuff in there!!!
I have a picture of roller blade clogs!


Summer then took me out to meet some of her friends at a local restaurant for dinner. She told me that 1 of her friends in particular was looking forward to meeting me but that she wasn't allowed to say anything more apart from to tell me that her name begin's with 'C' and ends in 'E'. It was all rather exciting!


"Hi I'm Charlotte". Blonde hair, grey eyes, glowing smile ... wait ... starts with a 'C' and ends with an 'E' ... I see Summer nod and smile at me ... this is the girl she was talking about. We talked for ages about, what England's like, best things about Holland, what she'll be doing next year, the course I want to study, etc... It was fantastic that we got on so well.


Soon it was time to leave and head back to the house. I didn't realise at first but there was 3 of us now it the car. Charlotte is staying with us until Monday. We'd already exchanged phone numbers and emails and done a kiss bye bye but she left out the part where she was staying with us, crafty girl.


Tonight we were both quite flirty and suggestive. We made out another 2 times. She wants to take this a little slow, cuddle in bed, watch movies, kiss etc.. before sex (though she does want to before I leave). Not really sure how to approach this, not really sure I should do much about it, she's already said she wants to at some point this weekend.


I'm having 1 of these 'find it hard to sleep' nights. It's been happening a lot lately. I've got a lot on my plate, a lot of tough decisions. Sleeping tablets give me 6 hours sleep, that'l do.

forget about the tablets, keep your energy up. It sounds like you're going to need it.

go for a run or to the gym. You'll find you think more clearly in those moments where you aren't focussing on the problems you are facing.

Some of it is just fear of the unknown. It's normal to feel that. Don't get into a struggle with it. Just accept that it's coming up for you and you can't get rid of it. Welcome it in as it's a great sign that you are growing and moving forward with your life.

Since my ferry journey home took ages I decided to use the time to get my head around things, work my way to my core problems.

My problem started from secondary school. I learnt to deal with stuff by creating a shield, a mental shield and in front of this shield I put another personality, another me in order to deflect all the shit, keeping my true self behind the shield and intact. But through so many years of using this shield I have also ended up distancing myself away from my true self. I have become so used to this that it's only when I free myself by moving away from my city that I see my true self emerge. It's like a completely different personality, a lot more confident, a lot more fun, more alive, I even feel more genuine; I feel like this is the person I was before.


I believe that this is the reason that I am constantly conflicted and indecisive among other things. It's like my head tells me to do 1 thing whilst my gut tells me to do another.
I also think that a lot of my anger and resentment for many people stems from mainly past experiences. I'd never punch someone just because I felt like it, I might not punch someone even though they deserved it but in Secondary school 1 day I totally lost my grip on the anger, it spilt over and I fought 1 of the lads until a mate of mine dragged me away. Whether they deserved it or not, I'm not sure. I now go do some boxing once a week, I still have anger built up from school and in boxing I can unleash that anger and get rid of it. It's helping a lot but I still have a burning hatred when I come in contact with people that I do not like from my past. I attack myself, why? I don't know. To punish myself for relentlessly beating that kid in school? To force myself to act by moving away?


When I do go away, such as on holiday and my true self emerges it is like a new beginning. Every time I come back home I can continue this for a few days, sometimes a week or more but that's it, I slowly go back into this stupid shell. I keep thinking "well it doesn't stop me from being me though does it"; well actually it does because I feel different.


I think part of it is the people that are around me, especially my friends I grew up with. Though it pains my to say it I think I need to start a fresh, move away, make new friends instead of coming back here and constantly falling into this trap. I'd be wasting my time trying to work at it from here, I need to work at it in an environment that suits me; and that is not here.


I find it unbelievable sometimes that I have all these problems yet I can still be very good socially, get girls with this ridiculously laid back approach and even make small progress. I guess it goes to show that nearly everyone has problems.

This is why I must move away, not only to get on with my life but also to drop the shield, let my true self emerge. This is the only way for my to progress in any way with anything.
Hopefully I'll be better for it.

I realise that this shield I have described in an earlier post and the unconscious person in front of it is actually an illusion created by my mind, my thoughts, as a way to attempt to defend my true self from both the past and the present.


Have you ever seen the film 'Dave'? I feel like Dave's physical form that the people he comes across on earth see him as. To elaborate; I feel like I am unconsciously walking about, though I know it consciously but powerless to control it, an illusion of my true self. More bluntly, my mind is in control.


My mind controls the past and the present, it puts me in an almost robotic state. For example, I am walking around town and I see 2 girls I could approach.
My concious self is up for the challenge, even relishes the challenge, whereas my unconsciousness (my mind) is in auto-pilot; get from A to B with minimal fuss. Therefore, many times my mind wins and I don't approach, this resulting in my concious self getting frustrated and confused but ultimately blaming it on AA; when it knows that it's not the case. However, if I do approach the only way to describe it is it's like my mind goes into overload and shuts down my unconsciousness revealing my true self; when I approach, successfully or not, for them few minutes I am living in the present day, in the now, free from my mind. That is until my mind's reboot is complete.


This is 1 of the many fundamental reasons why I do not use canned material, I act purely off the cuff whenever I can.



My mind is my trap, I must learn to avoid it wherever possible in order to eventually avoid it completely.

What you posted earlier resonated with me. When I find myself in a new environment, on holiday or whatever, it seems to free my mind up to be whatever I want to be.

This also ties in with the thing about seeing people or imagining events from your past and it taking you back to another time and place that isn't always a pleasant experience.

Proper psychology stuff I've read about this phenomenon says that what's happening is you are fusing with the thoughts rather than just letting them pass through.

You can't stop them coming up, you just have to notice when they come up and let them go on their way. They're actually harmless on their own - it's fusing with them that causes the problems.

So first step is to be aware they are just thoughts (words) and you are not your thoughts.