So, I've been thinking about this for a while and after a few comments from other posters about my fixed thinking, I was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences or got advice.

My main insecurities always tend to happen in new relationships where I often get onto asking the girl about her past - basic insecurities of jealousy and of judging the girls.

One solution is not to ask the questions in the first place but I usually find it unavoidable. For example, one girl I've been seeing recently, I'm already starting to get jealous by looking on her FB page and wondering if there are other guys about/orbiters or past relationships. The phrase "don't ask if you can't handle the answer" comes to mind but I'd rather get over the insecurities in the first place.

So, what causes me to judge girls on their behaviour when I might have done or would happily do the same things they they have done sexually in the first place? Is this just a natural feeling that you have to overcome?
It has caused the end of a few relationships in my time either because I couldn't handle it or because the girl got annoyed with my judgements of them.

Another example, a girl called me a good kisser the other day and said I obviously knew exactly what I was doing. Now personally, I think that's a great way to view someone in the present. However, if that was me, my thoughts would be along the lines of she's a really good kisser but how many men must she have kissed to be that good. It's an immediate backward looking/unhealthy questioning of their past.

Apart from that it's a crap film, it's similar to the theme going on in the Chasing Amy film...

GenePoole I am going to assume you are young, early 20s or younger. When I was younger I found i felt similar to yourself regarding a girl's past.

Personally I think you answer your question above. Essentially you are imposing a double standard on this girl and passing judgement on something you may have already done.

There is another phrase "let sleeping dogs lie" what's done is done, she might be like you with PUA, looking to make a new start and looking to make that new start with you!

I think your insecurity comes from a lack of control and trust! If you don't trust a particular girl not to cheat or let her eyes wander then don't get into a relationship! Everybody has a past, even an 18yr old virgin may not have had sex but she'll have done stuff.

As you get older, so will the girls you date and obviously their experience will get larger, unless you can accept that like you, they will have done things in their past that they may regret but wish to leave it behind.

If you really must know (and this is very unhealthy) then bloody ask them to their face instead of looking on social network sites - you will only draw pointless, inaccurate and stupid conclusions! I handcuffed a girl to a bed at the weekend and had her screaming my name when I made her come however a glance at my facebook page will negate to mention this, however because my cousin signed a post off with a xx you may make the wrong assumption I was dating her.

No, actually I am in my early thirties.
I've had this issue with almost every girl I had a relationship with, ones that I developed more emotions for.
I never judged any girls I wasn't involved with (others in relationships, friends of friends), which proves it's jealousy from emotional attachment.

I think the key is that it's best not to ask but I fell you need to ask some questions to really know the girl you are with.
I always trusted the girls I was with so it's not that.

Maybe I should see a psychologist as it's a really bad habit that I've been unable to get rid of for years

You really do seem rather focused on what might or might not have happened in the past. You need to start living for the moment my friend.

I think I know the what's, it's more the how's, we're talking mental fixations here formed by years of habit that need to be broken.

Yet you say you are jealous. Why you are jealous of something that happened in the past? Are you worried they have a track record of sleeping with loads of guys and are a slut or something? Is this the part of you that is worried what people will think of her, and in turn judge you?

Meditation. It helps you to stop giving time and credence to every little thought that wants to drag you down your habitual emotional rat runs.

Also, if facebook runs you rather than you run it, consider closing your account for a while.

PS

(Turned into a bit of a long post this one)

I used to have this problem with my first few gf's

The first one because she was far more sexually experienced than me (although devoted to me). Eventually it chewed me up from the inside and I punished her for it mercilessly constantly demanding she tells me about her sexual past and made her life hell, deeply regret this now.


The second, wasn't particularly into me but thought I would be good "marriage material" she treated me like shit and gradually wore down my self confidence until it was destroyed. She adored making me jealous, but similarly would be beside herself with jealousy if I even began to talk to another woman.
Toxic relationship.

I was very angry about this for quite a while but eventually realised that essentially it was my fault, deep down I knew she wasn’t into me and she got frustrated as she was waiting for me to take the lead.

I should have acted


Then I got into PUA It did make me feel a bit better, but wasn't really the best bet for mental happiness.

But I started going on this site more often and the good folks on this site who give good solid proper life advice to my whingy first posts. It's made me change my mindset

now when it comes to a girl's past I'm a bit more

"meh"


I'm the same sort of age as you and if I was dating a woman and she didn't have a past, I'd think that was weird.

Of course she will have had good sex with some bloke, but I've had great sex with other girls and that was the past.

Am currently dating probably the cutest girl I've ever been with and every so often a nagging little thought will pop up saying

"this girl is far too good for you"

The difference now is that I immediately smack this little bastard down with this thought

"fuck off, I'm bloody brilliant, I deserve this"

And the real kicker is,

Because I think like this, I do deserve it.

(thanks to Reflex and Phil, took me a while to get my head round this, but it really is a simple as that)


in one sentence

"Man the fuck up”

I'm not being aggressive, just telling you how it is.

We all have to man up in certain areas of our lives,
(In my case; going to the gym, digging fence posts, doing DIY, working on the farm)

find the thing that makes you just man up

then put this “just-get-on-with-it” un-reactive mindset into relationships (works wonders).

I hope it goes well with the girl I'm seeing, but if it doesn't.....

Hell I'm awesome!

If you need to ask, control and draw conclusions about what she has done/is doing then it is and issue of trust.

If you trusted her why would it make any difference if she hung around with somebody she used to sleep with? It wouldn't, you would trust her enough because she is with you.

This is a self-esteem issue. Your opinion of yourself is not strong enough. Chances are you feel that you are not good enough (as Scamp said) and therefore feel that she will leave you for ex-flame.
It's ok i used to think like this.
Therefore you do not trust your girlfriend around other guys as you are worried she will see through you and go off with 1 of them.

Like scamp says and I will echo his thoughts you need to "Man the fuck up" and have some self-belief, unless you've had an accident that involved you being dragged along the road by your face and have spent the last 3 years making up for it by eating cake continuously you're probably not hideous looking and the fact you can string well-spelt prose together i bet your not to bad to hang around either. Already you are better than average! start believing it!

I 100% agree with all the comments above.years ago i was getting cheated on a lot, yeh partly because i was with the wrong kinda girl for a relationship.But it was my thinking!! I always thought they were cheating.going to cheat on me,so i smothered them.If they so much as looked at a guy in a certain way or spoke to one 2 long,or if they didnt answer my every 5 minute phone calls when they were out without me,id go apeshit ie i drove them to cheat on me.So your thinking can create your worst fears.
I found i got away from this thinking by chilling the hell out and accepting people are going to do what theyre gona do.So if someone cheats on me,theyre gone instantly!! i make that clear from the start and thats it not an issue.
Guess what?? ive never been cheated on since!!
Try accepting they have a past,but theyre knobing you not their ex now!! so dont worry about it.
Btw Scamp fucking awsome post m8