Out of utter, utter boredom (my mates have gone camping and left me on my todd), I've decided to put up a couple of funny girl-related stories from the past couple of years and give you a peek into the world of Blanca.

Ashley

In return for failing one of my exams, I was unceremoniously booted off the dentistry course whilst at university. I was not happy, and had several temper tantrums, spat the dummy out, threw my toys out the pram and generally got really pissed off (in my defence, I failed by 1%). Surprisingly, however, I was not the only one who was pissed off by this - it seemed that the dentists, amongst whom I was quite popular anyway, were even more cross and so, when I went along to help them initiate a new batch of first years, they pretty much mobbed me.

"Mate I can't believe what they did - it's fucking unacceptable"
"We've been to see [Dean of first year BDS] and tell him what we think"
"It's not going to be the same without you on the course"

Not only was this touching, it also meant practically the entire bar wanted to talk to me, hug me and buy me drinks, and so I obliged, happy at having my ego stroked and all the attention directed at me.

Inevitably, this attracted some female attention, firstly in the shape of Carolyn. Who is fit. She cornered me outside and we chatted about stuff, mostly about me no longer being a part of the dental family:

Carolyn: I can't believe you're not going to be with us
Blanca: Yeah I'm going to miss you guys, we've had a lot of laughs together
C: I've really missed you over the summer Alex, like loads. I mean, I know the others say they've missed you, but no one can miss you as much as I have

At this point it was time to go to Lounge (my favourite rugby-player-infested place in the entire world). When we got there, Ashley (another girl who is fit - easily in the top 5 of my year) dropped a huge bomb:

Ashley: Alex what are you doing after this?
B: Dunno, probably just going home, why?
A: Well, do you want to walk me back to mine?

Now, I don't do well with subtlety, but even I got this one. If it were a cartoon, there'd be dollar signs in my eyes.

B: Oh sure, I'll come get you when I'm ready to go

Buoyed by this turn of events, I went of with some of the dental lads and did my thing all night - mostly involving drinking and dancing. During the course of events I was outside, having a breather and talking to Carolyn about how she wasn't sure if she was still in love with her ex. Yawn. My friend Mark intervened at this point, to ask if I'd seen Ashley. Somewhere in the conversation, I said I was walking her home, at which point he said he was sure she was going back to some other girl's house because it was closer.

No biggie, I figured - I'd just find her and ask what she wanted to do. So, when I was suitably fed up, that's what I did. Now I should explain, Lounge is not a big club. It is two parallel rooms the size of very small function rooms, with a joining bit in the middle. Could I find Ashley in this broom cupboard? Not even after looking for 30 minutes. Pissed off that she'd ditched me, I stomped off home.

Anyone who knows me can just tell what's coming next. I got to the chip shop in Clifton Village (about 10 minutes from Lounge and 5 from home) and my phone rang. No prizes for guessing who it was and what she wanted to ask me:

A: Alex where are you? You still walking me home?

I told her what had happened, and said I'd walk back and meet her, but it was no good. She'd left the club 10 minutes after me, and had no intention of staying with Jane. Lady Luck intervention meant I'd blown a chance to fuck one of the fittest girls in my year.

The next day, Carolyn got back with her boyfriend.

Adrianna

A friend of my flatmates, and someone I'd always had a good laugh with anyway, Adrianna was single for all of about a month. During this time, she and her flat came out with me and mine.

It was the usual stuff, getting pissed, me getting a slap for asking a girl what her name was 7 times, me blagging my way into the VIP area where all the posh tarts were. Towards the end of the night, both our sets of housemates were nowhere to be found, so me and Adrianna decided to walk home together.

Adrianna: Can I come back to yours and book a taxi to take me back to mine? [her house was fucking miles away]
Blanca: Sure

Remember I said that subtlety was wasted on me? Well this was too subtle. We even got a taxi back to mine from town (I think?), and she sat on my sofa for a good 20 minutes (presumably waiting for me to make a move on her) before calling a cab and going home. To this day, I still have no idea why I didn't fuck her.

It's a story with a happy ending though - she's just got back from going round the world, is newly single, and I'm off to London to see her in a few weeks.

Rosie (I think)

Sheffield is a wonderful city. Home to the old steelworks, Sheffield Wednesday (and United) and Sean Bean. More importantly, it's also home to my mate Will and Corporation, a club where you can buy a quadruple vodka mixer for two quid (two quid? you're out of your mind!). You can also buy a Blue Pint - double vodka, topped off with VK Blue, topped off with a double vodka - for 3 quid.

Obviously I ended up wrecked and hitting on a fit girl from Doncaster (for such a thing exists). Somewhere it fizzled out and she went inside and so, with the smell of pussy in my nostrils, I went hunting.

Off the dancefloor, I asked a girl where the toilets were and when she didn't know, I suggested we sit down and work out the solution to our problem together. Then we got a drink. Then, after she'd said she had a boyfriend and initially spurning my advances, we kissed.

It was incredible - we were all over the club, touching each other up, snogging...I had her up against the wall at one point. Eventually it became too much, and I told her I was going to take her back to mine and fuck her. This went down well, so I was charged with finding my mates to get the key to their house.

Eventually, about 5 minutes before closing time, I found them:

B: Will I've pulled, I need your keys
W: Doors open mate, but it doesn't matter, we're coming back now anyway

Whereupon the lights came on and people began to filter out. The girl led me, having placed my hands on here tits and one of her hands on my crotch (we got a few looks on the way out). Then, disaster. As she got her phone out to tell her mates where she was going, she dropped it under the feet of everyone heading for the exit.

Girl: Shit! Shit I dropped my phone!
B: Fuck...

We searched a bit, but had to give up and come outside. She was not happy, something she proved by going back inside for another look. Whilst in there she found her mates, one of whom, it would appear, knew her boyfriend.

The result? When she came outside, it was like nothing had happened. I said "come on, let's get back to mine" and she, in front of her friends, just went "err...no"

Instant karma I suppose.

The Americans

Near my hometown is a place called Harlaxton Manor - the filming location of The Haunting, and now the English campus of the University of Evansville, Indiana. This means that three times a year, we get a batch of American students invading our quiet little market town. The upside is, they're easy as fuck to pull.

I gained favour with one group by marching over and saying, "are you guys American?!" The subsequent conversation got four chicks flocking to my table, and then onwards, with me and my friend, to a club.

In there I pulled a girl called Maggie (average at best) and her friend Hope (a lot better!). At the same time. Had it not been for the Manor's stupid rules, and the girls' insistence upon obeying them, a threesome was on the cards.

The next week, I was introduced to another girl (Christ knows what her name was), who was the prettiest of the lot, and of course pulled her. However, upon me telling her I wanted to do naughty things to her, she said "just so you know, I'm not having sex with you".

Spiffing. "I'm just off to the bar, back in a bit..."

It should be mentioned that whilst this was going on, my friend pulled a black mama by the name of Britney, who was so keen on him, she literally threw herself at him. To the point where he crashed through the fire doors and earned a look of pure admiration from the bouncers. It also enabled us to make the joke "I'd fuckin' smash her fire doors in!"

There'll be some more coming in a couple of weeks.

Claire

As some of you know, I had an interview in Manchester recently. It didn't go well, but an upside of it was the train journey back. Firstly, my Mac ran out of battery just as it was getting to the good bit in Inception. That wasn't good. I was utterly bored from about Sheffield to Nottingham, where a girl got on the train and, despite there being plenty of empty seats, asked to sit next to me - the most bored-looking and, after a day hauling ass on hot trains, sweatiest person in the entire carriage. Of course you can love.

For about ten minutes we sat in silence. I was all chatted out from my interview and just wanted to get home, but Claire had other plans. She started the conversation and I made a complete wally of myself:

C: Busy train isn't it?
B: What - where? Oh this one? Yeah...

That was it. Something that simple sparked the most amazing conversation I've ever had with a stranger. For a start, she had the balls to open me (which is a good sign to me), and secondly she was fun and easy to talk to. She had the same sense of humour as me, the same interests, the same attitudes and outlook on life and, most importantly, didn't take herself too seriosly. Magic stuff. Getting her number and organising a date wasn't even a thing - it just happened as we pulled up to Grantham.

Seeing her in 2 weeks.

Some blonde girl

I was out of my nut one night at the local raver & luminous clothes hotspot (when i used to take stuff) & was bouncing round the place when some HB6blonde grabbed me & started kissing & groping & licking my face & stuff. I took her outside & we continued to get it on, she went down on me, its the weirdest blow job ive ever had cos people were gawking at us & we were almost at the point of fucking in front of only about 80 people, i told her to chill out & we will go back to mine...she said "but i cant cos my boyfriends in there", honestly it didnt bother me at all & i told her i could get her home in the morning. She left me to tell her friends she was dissapearing, & when i seen her outside she gave me a look as if to say "fuck off dont come near me" whilst holding some guys hand (possibly the boyfriend but for all i knew it could be just another lad she grabbed & kissed & licked ther face)

I laughed at it & met more people, went to a party.

Top stuff Blanca

Good to know I'm not the only one missing the subtle signals!


Scamp

(I always sued to be Zangief)

I reckon this probably accounts for most normal guys not getting enough pussy. The signs are there, we just don't see them as we walk around with our heads up our respective arses in a world of our own.

The only solution to that is to try it on with every girl we fancy and just assume she'll go for it. If not it'll still make for a funny story.

Very true.

It also explains why those guys with the "she must fancy me, all girls do" attitude get more Sex

Forewarned is forearmed

Update: Claire

A mixed bag on our date (I say date, it involved us shopping for me a guitar and going to the pub for a cheeky couple). All was going nicely - having a right laugh together, clicking like we did before. That was until she offhandedly mentioned her boyfriend in the pub. This completely threw me. Surely, I reasoned, a girl who chats you up on the train and texts you every day must be single? Not the ones Blanca goes for!

Anyway, confronted with "another one of those", the flirting went out the window, the A-game switched off and I tried to think of ways I could politely fuck off to avoid wasting any more of my time. Fortunately, I found an absolute beast of a guitar and duly bought it so, I thought, it wasn't a complete waste of time.

It was only as we were going our separate ways that I had this snippet of conversation:

B - Every man I know plays Pro Evo or FIFA. I bet your boyfriend loves it.
C - Oh he's not my boyfriend any more, we broke up months ago blah blah...

It was very frustrating. I'd kept flirting to a minimum after I figured I was wasting my time trying to pull her, only to find that I wasn't wasting my time at all. Anyway, I gave her a lift home (never, EVER, drive through Nottingham - it's fucking bullshit) and went on my way.

On the plus side, she's fitter than I remembered her being, and more funny, and more cool. Also, I haven't exactly harmed my chances and I bought a badass guitar at the same time. I just wish I'd kissed her or something. Just to make it more than "meeting up for a bit".