Christmas Day 2013

Quite a long post but it's a summing up of where I am since I first got interested in the community a year ago, some of my background and what I think I should focus on going forward. Plus last nights FR (skip to the FR if you like).

The Ghost of Christmas past didn't visit me this year (to show me the errors of my ways and how dreadful my lonely future would be). It did last year. When I was hitting bottom. Me, the needy desperate nice guy had oneitis over that girl at work who wasn't worth a second glance, but just because she was a cute party girl and gave me the time of day I fell in love with her. The sentiment was not returned. Then when I realised how badly inexperienced I was I felt suicidal because I felt I knew deep down I had avoided things that would have improved my situation and I felt that I was a born loser. No self confidence with girls and no self belief.

This time last year I wished I was dead. This wasn't the first time I'd been in this dark place. I've had drugs, counselling (diagnosed as low self-esteem and serious depression) and been through a self destructive binge on drink and drugs in my late twenties where, as a result, my teeth started to fall out. The family broke up just as I was approaching adolescence. There was a lot of fighting at home and bullies were drawn to me like a magnet. I think this had a huge impact on me. But somehow I managed to erase all memory of it from my mind. It's as if it never happened. I ended up insecure and frightened. Shit scared of my own shadow.

Coming out of all this, somehow I recovered and managed to build a career based in London. I travel abroad as a national expert in telecommunications. I've been successful in that. I'm just a failure with women. I've always understood this is because women do not find the character traits I have (lacking confidence and low self-esteem) attractive. I think I've told some guys I've met from the forum that I've been on a seven year sexless streak. It sounds unbelievable but it's true. If you have a fear of approaching and relating to women that's what can happen. I've just been afraid of their judgement of me. Once they've know me it's okay but it's never got that far up to now with women who are potential mates.

But I was a good faker. Some girls were attracted to me (and there's been quite a few). Despite that I still sabotaged the whole thing. That is a deeper issue. Like the drugs binge it's about not respecting or liking yourself however that feeling came about. I know I always felt my parents breakup was something to do with me but my sister and brother got on with their lives ok, have long term partners, lives, kids, etc. So I think some of it at least is genetically programmed and you couldn't have done x or y differently to avoid it. But it doesn't mean it can't be rectified up to a point. That's my belief anyway.

The whole basis of CBT is it's not the situation or event that matters it's how you react to it. The apparatus in my head was always geared towards fucking me up. It's not that way with everyone. I just have to work much harder to deal with things that some people find normal stuff. But it's not bad enough to be classed as a serious problem. Thousands of people live (or don't live) their whole lives like this. A year ago I just decided enough was enough and decided to change, no matter how challenging it might be. I thought "what if it's dangerous and I die". Then I thought "I'm dying anyway, why not at least go down for a good cause". I felt better just making that decision and committing to the process. There's been some success but I'll admit it's been a bumpy ride. I'm not discouraged though at all.

But since I got involved in this community a year ago I've been partying as much as I could manage (no drugs, my golden rule, but some alcohol to calm my fears) and it's been great fun. I've made friends and had adventures. And made a lot of progress in becoming more the person I was meant to be since I got into the game. This combined with self help has improved my state of mind a lot. I should be proud of myself. I've started to climb the ramparts and I'm not as afraid of living life as I used to be.

Remember the line from the story of Scrooge "I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link and yard by yard, I girded it on and of my own free will I wore it!". Yes you made your own chain and you wore it of your own free will. That's true. But if it is true, of you're own free will you can also cut it free and discard it. You don't have to let any chain hold you back. Never let anything hold you back, including yourself. Forget the past. It's what you do now that matters. every thought, decision and action has a place in your reality and in your future. You need to keep this in mind all the time.

Xmas eve FR

The day before I had stayed at home most of the day smoking cigarettes and watching porn on my PC (and pulling the head off it). I watch porn when I'm totally bored. Not a great way to set yourself up for solo sarging, but anyway that's what I did cause I don't get the chance to do this usually. It didn't help I was recovering from a chest bug and the smoking didn't help, so I felt congested. I went to the gym and did quite a hard workout. I felt quite drained when I got home from that. Usually I feel stoked after a workout but it didn't work this time. But I had arranged with my mates to go out xmas eve so I went ahead, feeling shit or not. Everyone was going out.

The town was full of hot babes (young ones, the older ones were at home wrapping presents). I saw a lot of girls I really wanted to fuck. In a few weeks of fucking, using my sperm sparingly, I think I could have easily populated a small country. In fact there were so many hotties around I felt that some vindictive god was just trying to punish me by showing me what I couldn't have (why do I feel I'm not entitled to at least try?) . There was the usual competition (younger taller , better looking guys) but I have had to realise that's a fact of life being a man and you have to learn to live with that. Play with the hand you are dealt. I managed to keep my cool though and not blow my stack with frustration like the last time. Being out of control is not going to help. It's not attractive.

But I didn't do nearly enough approaching as I should have ( I never feel that I've approached enough) . One girl of a two set I approached just said to her friend, after my friendly opener, ("hi girls, how's it going?") she said "ok let's go" and they both walked away. Just an aggressive blocking move I suppose. I think that's the worst blow off I've had so far. I'm finding this affects me less and less. What I've noticed is it's always the uglier girl of the two that makes the decision to walk away. It was quite amusing actually...childish really. I find they look ugly anyway after they reject you.

I'm realising quite a lot of the girls that come here to socialise expect to meet a rich handsome guy. Right up their own arses. It's a an affluent area. Having a porche isn't seen as a big deal to some folks around here. I've met some local guys who feel the same way and they don't normally go out around here to pull they told me. During the night I did talk to one attractive blonde girl and she kissed me on the cheek. My mate was on hand to explain "yeah she's a nice girl and she does that to everyone" (thanks mate, meaning it's not really because she liked you). That was it really in terms of results. In my mind I've partly given up locally for picking up. It's time I branched out. In my mind this place is fucked. I know there's better, much better, where women appreciate you. And I need better friends / wings who like women and are not insecure when you chat a woman that they haven't already shagged or they would like to shag them but don't want you to have a chance.

I found out tonight one of my recent acquaintances is a suppressed PUA. He's slightly younger than me and the oldest girl he's ever dated is 24. That was a useful thing to find out. We've agreed to branch out into other towns and wing. I also got the phone number of another wing, who goes out to party in a nearby town. He also thinks the girls here are far too stuck up to be pulled. After 6 months trying to pull here I have to agree with him. I will keep trying but I'm not going to waste my time and money. It would be nice to meet women somewhere, apart from London or other Cities I've been in abroad, where women are happy to give you the chance to have a conversation and treat you like a human. Maybe I'm just having a bad run.

The idea I've had of me moving into London at the moment is quite unrealistic (financially) so I'm looking at building a social group locally of guys that want to go out, party, and have fun with women. That's what I'm looking for.

BTW I got a match on Tinder but she's not responded to my chat message. At least I'm trying. I also need to get a profile up on POF.

Stepping it up big time in 2014.

Nice post mate, It's good to see you're moving in the right direction and taking control back of your life.

See you next year.

Cheers mate. I'm much more aware of when I start to slip into the 'victim' mode of thinking now and I've learned some CBT techniques for analysing and turning that around when I recognise it's happening. Some of the limiting beliefs I have are more deep rooted but I'm taking positive steps that are gradually modifying the frame to something that's more helpful.

I read my FR back and realised I shouldn't be thinking all the girls around here are stuck up. I'm sure it's not true and it's a limiting belief. It would be a good idea to try other places and see what they are like but keep an open mind. Actually most people are really nice.

There's many possible reasons why a girl might blow you out and I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions about the cause. It was only a single external event. My head made up the rest to fit my belief.

For instance, some women who are very posh like a bit of rough. Maybe they weren't from here and they think guys here are snobby so came with an attitude. Maybe I was visibly drunk and the 4th drunk guy in a row to approach in 10 minutes. Better to reframe these thoughts to something more helpful.

Reflections on my xmas day post

I spilled me guts in that post. But I thought it was worth expanding on some things. The first thing is why I got so fixated on this girl at work and why it eventually led me into this community. She isn't all that hot to be honest. But in my eyes she was an 8 at least. She was quite cool...socially adept. Everything I didn't think I was. Oh, and twenty years younger than me.

I decided I wanted her a few minutes after I met her and therefore I expected her to completely ignore me as unworthy (I think any girl I'm attracted to, especially if she's younger, is out of my league...a limiting belief). But she approached me and introduced herself and we ended up having a long conversation. I thought, this is weird she seems to actually be interested in me (evidence contradicting limiting belief). Then I started to go in my head about how I should progress this interaction.

But because I had put her on a pedestal right away I started to get nervous. Past experiences made me think: "if I don't ask her out now it's only going to get harder for me as the bullshit box in my head starts to process everything and overthink it" and I was right, that is basically what happened. My belief then was you cannot ask a girl you have just met out on a date (another limiting belief). As the weeks went on I got so nervous I wasn't able to talk to her at work, never mind ask her out. I saw her value as being much higher than mine. I saw it as an impossibility that she would actually go for a drink with me or that if she agreed to , that I would be able to go through with it.

I was also embarrassed about being attracted to her and was worried that other people might notice that I was so I tried to mask it by treating her worse than other girls that I didn't like (self-sabotage).

When women give you an opportunity and you don't take it I think they lose interest very quickly and put you in the friend zone (more accurate to say you put yourself there). We all know this is the worst feeling for a guy. Worse than a rejection probably.

I've realised since then all this about her being an 8 and me being a 5 or 6 is something I created in my head and is nothing to do with reality. Since then I've chatted to much hotter (and even younger) girls and had good responses from them. I've just bailed too soon due to lack of skills and confidence. But I've had to go through this learning process to realise that this is going on. I owe a lot to Tyler (and this forum) for coming to a better understanding of all this.

It's involved some emotional disturbances for me that I've avoided in the past, i.e. being judged and / or rejected by women. Taking risks, in a social sense. Putting yourself on the line. But the more I do it the more I'm realising it's not that bad. Nobody is shooting or stabbing you. It can feel awkward sometimes but It is just feedback. You take it on the chin, say - thanks for that, it's your loss - and move on to pastures anew and the next one. You have to keep in mind the reasons why you decided to take this journey and what it means to you.

Tonight - Boxing day

I went out tonight locally just for a quiet beer with a mate as I have some stuff to do tomorrow (otherwise I would have been clubbing in Watford). As it turns out I'm not too well anyway with this chest bug that's been hanging onto me most of December (I coughed up a poached egg in the pub toilet that had some traces of blood in it). Even though it was pretty dead in town there was a reasonable amount of very cute chicks out and about, mostly in mixed groups. I didn't approach any of them.

I seem to have a fear of approaching mixed groups that is worse than my fear of approaching girl only groups. I'm not sure why that is, you'd think it would be easier. But after I got home I realised all I had to do was walk over and say, "hi folks did you all have a nice Christmas?". I'm so gutted I didn't do that. There were opportunities a few times when my mate went out for his cigarette. So I can't use him as an excuse for not doing anything. Some of those girls might have been single and I could have conveyed my personality a bit instead of sitting there on my own like a chode. I'm in the process of becoming the more the social outgoing guy now.

Sometimes you don't recognise an opportunity as an opportunity until after it's gone. This is something that's happened too often. So from now on I don't want to be making excuses and having regrets, I want to be taking right action.

Note to self : Never let opportunities slip past.

Especially agree with what you said about taking opportunities when women give them to you. Had a lot of those today and barely used any of them. Anyway take it easy man!

Friday 27 Dec

Still on holiday, out at the pubs again with mates. Not much to report of substance. Although it was Friday it was quiet. Not as quiet as last night but quiet compared to a normal Friday night. I expect everyone is saving themselves for New years Eve.

In one bar there was three girls, all very cute but really young. I didn't approach. One of the girls was petite wearing skin tight jeans. She had the best legs and butt I've seen in a while. HB10 legs and ass. I did speak to one of them in a bar we were in later on, the tidy blonde one. She was a nice girl. Some guys (their age) were kino mad and drunk, almost salivating over these girls. I don't blame them, these were not average looking chicks. The girl I spoke to seemed relieved that I was just talking to her like she was a human being. I also talked to the lads and we had a bit of a laugh. This was almost like approaching a mixed group. It's a start anyway.

I did get good eye contact with an older blonde woman who I thought was pretty cute sitting across the bar. She was engaged in convo with her friend. I'm sure I've seen her before so think she's local. Didn't get a look if there was a ring. I didn't approach because of the old problem of not having a wing for her friend to talk to. I thought the best I can do is return the IoI and hope I see her around tomorrow or on New Years eve.

I'm enjoying this going out a lot thing at the moment. Every night's different.

Quoting from my own FR here, self-critique. After what I said yesterday about not letting opportunities slip past... I see a woman I'd like to meet and don't approach. Lame excuses I'm afraid. I've found that quite often when this happens you never see them again. I'm thinking now, what's the worst that could have happened?

I walk over, say hi and she says "Sorry we're having a conversation here could you leave us alone". I walk back to my mates. Given the fact she was looking at me a lot even while she was talking to her friend that seems quite unlikely. Or I could have walk passed them on the way to the bathroom and said hi over my shoulder.

But what I did was look at her from the safety of my mates and behind my beer shield. I'm out again tonight, we'll see if I can do better this time.

Saturday 28 Dec 13

My third night out in a row around my local bars. I enjoyed it. But I can feel my liver gradually being destroyed because I've had a few or 6 drinks every night for the last week. I've been getting some weird dreams induced by the over indulgence. This morning the dream was I was going to get sacked because I forgot to get my boss a bacon roll...very bizarre (if my job ever relied on me getting my boss a bacon roll then I'd hand in my notice immediately!). Next stop the DTs if I didn't have break from beer. Thank goodness it's only once a year.

Last year I never went out socially at all (and hadn't done for the previous 5 years) so this is a good sign of my progress since I got into the game. My liver isn't happy but I am. Not much gaming going on tonight though. I've declined through the week. Maybe one night a week when I'm chomping at the bit to get chatting to women is better than 4 nights a week being more and more weary. tbh almost everyone seemed the same.

It hasn't helped me chain smoking and having a this annoying chest infection. I don't like to be a moaning Minnie but when I speak it's like I can hear the sounds resonating in my throat because my tubes aren't clear. Communication is too important in game to be stifled like this. It's driving me nuts. I just want to get fit and healthy again and have some better motivation to go and approach.

Saw a few women I wanted to fuck again tonight but cba doing anything about it. Legs, bums, pouting lips and tits everywhere. But I did nothing. Had a great time with mates though and some banter with a few people. It's not as good as chatting to women though. Back to work Monday.

I need a rest. Hopefully I can get clear of this illness, get back to the gym, get back in the groove at work and go hunting again on New years eve(Hogmanay).

Dude, I don't know about you but I tend to do my best game when I don't intend to game. It lowers my expectations, not of the women I talk to, but my expectations I put on myself.

The best and funniest sucessful approach I've done to date was when I had no intent to talk to anyone but the person I was with ... And maybe the barmaid, several times.