If only I knew this when I was younger

I'm not a jealous person. But my ex at the start of our relationship used to send me FUCKING loopy in a fit of jealous rage! But... it was the best lesson I ever learned!

A couple of times I caught her fucking around with guys. She was always drunk when she did it but it didn't matter... she definitely fueled the feel.

One night, she went out with her mates. Got blazing drunk and called me about 1 in the morning. She couldn't even speak but I worked out she was in a car with 3 other guys. I couldn't get any sense out of her as to where she was and I could here the guy in the background saying "Don't worry love, you can come back to ours...". At which point her phone when dead.

You can imagine the rage I went into! I phoned her 83 times that night... trawled the streets to find her and even woke her parents up at stupid-o-clock in the morning.

Jealously, Paranoia and sheer anxiety over her safety gripped me hard. Probably the worst night of my life.

Finally at 10.30 then next morning I get a call from her:

MB: Where are you?
Her: Errrhh not sure...
MB: Are you safe?
Her: Yeah...
MB: I'm coming to pick you up, find out where you are?
Her: erhhh... hold on, I'll call you back...
MB: (GRRRRR!!!)

She called me back and said she didn't want me to pick her up from the house, but a near by park... so I went... waited... and saw her about 10 minutes after doing the walk of shame towards me.

MB: (Hugged her) God! Are you alright?
Her: Yeah... i'm fine.
MB: Good... cos your dumped!

Took her in the car and dropped her off at her house with all her things and said for her to never call me again.

The point is, that on that day, I realised that it didn't really matter... I can get jealous, raged, paranoid, whatever... if she's going to do it, then she'll do it and you'll never know. And in fact, being all those things will only push her away from you and she'll be more likely to cheat cos she'll have a jealous boyfriend and all her mates will probably convince her that "he's (you) an asshole and that guy over there if cute... plus we're never going to tell him"

Just take solice in the fact that if she does do it. Fine. There'll be some other girl out there that respects and values your love. And that (usually) the guilt of cheating will crush her (in 90% of the case) and she'll suffer for it.

Don't lower yourself down the a jealous level. Rise above it. Be fun, be happy, promote she should speak to other guys. But offer her a warning that if she does cheat, it will only be her that suffers; either by you splitting up from her or her trying to keep it a secret and having to watch her back.

They say that you should not be jealous, but if you are hiding your feelings then you are not really being yourself are you? I think it's okay to be a bit jealous as long as it doesn't get out of hand.

Most jealousy comes from insecurity. So by becoming more secure your jealousy will dwindle. It's an inner game issue.

Poor old Granddad
I laughed at all his words
I thought he was a bitter man
He spoke of women's ways
They trap you, then they use you
Before you even know
For love is blind and you're far too kind
Don't ever let it show
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger.
The Can Can's such a pretty show
They'll steal your heart away
But backstage, back on earth again
The dressing rooms are grey
They come on strong and it ain't too long
Before they make you feel a man
But love is blind and you soon will find
You're just a boy again
When you want her lips, you get a cheek
Makes you wonder where you are
If you want some more and she's fast asleep
Then she's twinkling with the stars.
Poor young grandson, there's nothing I can say
You'll have to learn, just like me
And that's the hardest way
Ooh la la
Ooh la la laa yeah
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was younger.
I wish that I knew what I know now
When I was stronger.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=769Oueux4nI

It sounds like you are blaming yourself for your exe's shitty behaviour. Don't. You just reacted as most men would. You had every right to be angry. You did right to dump the bitch.

Jealousy is genetic. The man wants to be sure that the baby is his and the woman wants to be sure that the man does not wander off to feather other nests.

If you ever have a relationship with someone who is not jealous at all you will see that it is actually quite irritating; it's like they don't give a fuck. In fact if you are never jealous, you can let your guard down too much!

Everything in moderation though. Too much of it can drive you crazy. It's the number one motive for murder.

spot on by all posters... nothing to comment from here..

god i love this community

Hmmm... no... there's more a back story to it. But this part of the story is most relevant. I don't blame myself but...

Completely disagree. 1) I was called the Golden boy as I grew up. 2) Not sure you can blame it on genetics.

For me it was a more of a lacking of maturity / life experience. When you love someone, you can easily lose sight of the bigger picture. You hold them so close to you that can't even comprehend their complicated mass of self issues / learned social interactions / emotionally fueled frenzies! On top of that, the drink induced 'English' applied to the equation.

Ultimately, respect yourself and respect others... then breathe.

Insecurity that stems in your belief that there's no need to be insecure (in your relationship - or yourself!). And that ultimately... you'll always be alright.

Nothing more I can add really, just be cool and chill. Abit of jealousy can be healthy but don't let this spill over into insecurity, neediness and conspiracy theories against you, people (women particularly) can smell this a mile off in a person and it's incredibly unattractive.

One thing I will add is I don't get this bull-shit bravado when guys go on about 'Oh I can't let a girl get into my head' as if should this occur it will destroy every ounce of your very being...get a grip.

Jamm when you said you had to leave the room during a particular moment of experiencing jealousy, to me that sounded rather extreme in that the pressure was too much to bear. Perhaps you have some unresolved mental issues that you need to delve into and face up to and if necessary take action to resolve.

As Kowalski I think it was that once said 'Pua can seriously fuck you up'. It is certainly not the best course of treatment for curing the ills of many a man.