Hey Midas,
I feel I can relate alot to you with alcohol getting in the way of life. I until recently used to have the same problem with not being able to stop drinking once I had started, and a hangover just wrote off the whole day! Since all my peer groups are heavy drinkers as a uni student/rugby player it has been difficult to cut back. What helped me is to no longer associate drinking as part of who I am and to remind myself that theres nothing beneficial alcohol provides me that I could not do sober.
From your post I do feel your own feelings about your identity is maybe causing some sort of 'self fulfilling prophecy' where by you believe you are 'a certain type of guy' (from past experiences and or others judging you) and act accordingly (this can be massivly subconcious.) This is quite a bold statement since I dont know you, but It's just something I've notice before with people. Also you talk frequently of the 'lover'/'provider' distinction and how its almost some 'genetic thing'. Truth is they are just two common behavioural representations and in my opinion they certainly are not set in stone. It just seems this way as the topic stems into 'evolutionary psychology' and alot of people (particuarly
PUA guys) label the ideas/theories in this discipline so definitively.
I have numerous examples of friends who were once very beta, supplicating, quiet, shye, provider types most of which were virgins, but they changed. Some went travelling, a couple joined the army and one moved to a different city. Now in varying degrees they're completely confident guys, and they all take what they want from life, most of them getting SNL's with ease. What I'm really trying to say is I personally feel the problems your having in your relationships are a result of your own thoughts setting you back. Perhaps the alcohol was playing a bigger part than you realised? Also Using ex's as feedback after you break up to analyse yourself is not always advisable either since girls think emotionally and don't always express their feelings accurately verbally. Anyways good luck dude
.