Are you accepting of life or do you question it?

Do you challenge things around you, or go with the flow?

I want to know: what is up with the glut of toilet attendants?

So, you know the deal: when on a night out, alcoholic beverages leads to toilet visitations. And, upon having merrily pissed away, you are confronted by a so-called "toilet attendant".

WTF is this? Is it a program of full employment in Britain for the under-educated and toilet-loving subset of African men?

Are there not enough toilets in Africa for them to "attend"?

Why are there no Caucasian or Asian men attending these very toilets in this demeaning role? Why the fuck are they in the toilet anyway? Possible answers:

A) to sell aftershave... quite likely knock-off watered-down stuff
B) to sell paper towels
C) to sell hand-wash soap
D) ???

It gets worse, years back these guys were exclusively found in the posher nightclubs.

Then it was every nightclub... even the cheap ones.

Now these guys have infiltrated some of the regular down-to-earth pubs.

Case-in-hand: Slug and Lettuce pub, London, November 2010.

1) Start with takin' the piss... literally
2) Next, I avoid the attendant as he tries to turn on the tap for me. Look... I can turn on the tap myself, thankyouverymuch.
3) Next, I avoid the attendant as he tries to force-feed me a paper towel. Look...I can get that myself, thankyouverymuch.
4) Then an AFC not-so-subtly slips a fiver to the Slug and Lettuce men's toilet attendant (do you call these guys "slugs"?). AFC receives some squirts of a branded aftershave. As we leave the toilet, I ask AFC about it. He tells me he needs the aftershave "so that he can get pussy".

Well, I guarantee that the AFC cannot have seen any pussy that night. Unless he owns a cat.


Sometimes these toilet attendants have switched off all the hand driers, using some secret master switch. It's not that the hand driers are broken you understand, it's just that the toilet attendant is depriving you from your God Given Right to utilise a warm air electric-powered hand-drying device. Instead, he procures a paper towel for which he wishes to charge you £1 or even £2!

In response to such Hand Drier Hijacking, I ignore the toilet attendant, visit a spare toilet cubicle and get a load of bog roll and try my hands on that. If toilet cubicles are full, I dry my hands on my jeans while muttering.

If I cannot ignore the creepy toilet attendant -- by avoiding speaking to him or looking at him --- because they have violently shoved some paper towel or handwash container in my face, I add, "it is only homosexual men that hang around toilets! LEAVE ME ALONE!"


One of my mates stated that toilet attendants are there to make sure people don't take drugs in the bogs.

WHAT? Are you kidding me?

Toilet attendants are not some private security firm. They just are peddlers of Lynx, Hugo Boss, CK One, and many more! I wager that they would happily splash some Davidoff Cool Water on a Cocaine Charlie or Speedy Simon if they got their palm lined with silver.


I have observed that in the posher nightclubs, the toilet attendant brotherhood have a common song:Until these guys go onto X-Factor (they have toilets in there too) and get rejected, we have to suffer this shit (pun indented).


Is working as a toilet attendant a foot on the ladder to a full-on sales job? Well, probably a sales job of DOMESTOS. It's like their career has gone DOWN THE PAN.

I have also turned this into a line -- I've asked chicks, "we have this problem with toilet attendants --- always wanting you to buy tissues and trying to flog aftershave. Is there an African man in the ladies toilets?"


The above needs to distinguish between toilet cleaners and toilet attendants (a.k.a. "bog trolls") -

1. Toilet cleaners are a necessary service, absolutely critical. If you've ever been to toilets in a club or bar that look like that toilet out of Transpotting then you'll know what I mean. Particularily if you need a dump. Clean toilets are the bomb.

2. However, toilet attendants are unnecessary, a pointless mollusc performing as a parasite of AFCs who are either not single-minded enough to turn on taps and dry their hands without personal assistance, or stupid enough to think that after a few splashes of extra eu de toilette that they are transformed into Casanova.

At easyjet (my employer) we have had meetings this week about a similar service on early morning business flights, say London-Scotland/Brussels/Amsterdam/Zurich/Geneva, where you could buy a "freshen up pack" in the loo or from the crew, reason being if your going for a meeting and want the added "convidence" of looking and smelling good.

I cant say more on the topic as its one of the things we are looking at with a supplier, as on paper it sounds like a winner, however we are having issues as to how to provide the freshen up service, as we need "tester bottles to spray" which is over 100 ml, which is a safety issue.

A friend of mine owns a bar in Benidorm in spain and Ive had numerous chats with him about this... Its actually a good idea, as its provides customer service for free..(you pay the guy 100% commission)

It keeps people in your bar,
it keeps you toilets clean,
it keeps the drug dealing out of the loos
And yes Rebus, it makes a dirty pokey ass loo, a bit more classy, which... keeps people in your bar

Im guessing they have females freshen up girls in the womens loos ???

tebbs

Its a massive government conspiracy, the toilet attendants are out to get YOU Rebus!!

But seriously, I got talking to one in a club once and he was a cool guy. He was called Tunde, he was from Sudan. He was at the university studying for an electrical engineering degree and worked all hours he could so he could send money back to his family.

If they want to turn the taps on for me so I can wash my hands and give me some paper towel to dry them on thats up to them. Never once have I felt obliged or pressured to give them money for it. If they offer you some aftershave and you dont want it just politley say 'No Thanks', and there cool about it. From my experiece there usually just nice guys who are doing there best to make ends meet.

I agree with you 100%. It's a complete and utter scam. But I think to myself - how low must your life be if u need to work in a toilet? At least cleaners are in and out but those dudes spend their whole night there. I feel really bad for them

Man, some of them are okay, some of them are twats... I usually will have a chat with them, and depending on if I have change or take a splash of afrershave or anything may drop 'em something... If they're acting like dicks who aren't personable then I don't bother, otherwise whatever; like people said before - they're just tryna make ends meet.

Also, there are a variation of songs and phrases including:

"No splash, no gash!"
"No money, no honey!"
"Fresh-ennnn up... For the punani!"
"No Spray, no lay!"

Don't listen to them! Only use aftershave if you feel you need it - smell good rather than smell bad whatever...

Or, jus carry this:

Actually, these guys earn a FOOKIN fortune, if you think on average about 1000 people use the toilet a night probably twice each, about 40% of these and up givin a quid for a squirt of aftershave.

they pay a portion to the club...

there was a guy i knew who did it through uni (most of them do) he is now fully qualified in business & marketing earning like 45 k per year.. they may look daft and "under educated" but i assure you, it seems alot of guys on here are afraid of looking stupid for a bigger gain..

i.e. approach etc... but these give up the EGO for a fair wage.

perhaps they are not the stupid ones... just ego makes it seem that way!!!

would you be a toilet attendant for 300 a night?

In a word, "Yes!"

eeeeeeeeee ya meff!!!!!

I might even even use it as a line when she asks me what I do. "I'm a toilet attendant." When she looks at me in shock. "What?You use the toilet, don't you?"