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Default Terrible at PUA, Advice for older guy? - 06-01-2020, 11:39 PM

Hi guys
This is the situation.
Broke up 2 years ago. Heartbroken, moved to Spain a month ago.
I'm 40. Local bargirl so hot. Chatted to her New Year's very briefly while she was out having a smoke. Complimented her and had a brief laugh, she went back in.
I worked up the balls to add her on instagram with knowing just her first name.
Commented on one of her pics, she just sent some smily emojis.
I went to the bar a few nights later with a friend, she was working alone, and i tried playing it cool just sitting at the bar being friendly to everyone. Didnt really engage her in talking, just a few quips here and there, she really put a lot of alcohol into the drinks! But there was no talk of instagram or anything. Felt a little bit weird. I think she is between 22-26.
Commented on one of her instagram stories the next day and she just wrote back minimal stuff. she had gotten a new tattoo, and I just said about it looked really well. I then made a 'life advice' comment and got nothing back.
So I went down there tonight for a walk and was just walking by a good distance from the bar but she was outside and two young guys approached and I heard her just say "I'm not the girl, my friend is inside".. then the two guys just walked off...
Clearly this is a case of one-itis and it's probably a bit sad an older guy like me trying to get her attention. She doesn't even follow me back on instagram and has lots of followers, she doesn't even look at my pictures or stories. The bar is quiet enough but just lots of weirdos hanging around, and lots of guys tend to come in and flatter her non-stop... think I need to fade away as probably lost my chance.
Any advice for a fast becoming sad old man?
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(#2)
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Default 07-01-2020, 10:58 AM

Hi curadh,

Instead of the "one-itis" term, you could think of her as a long-term project and keep your options open and your life moving on, while investing alongside your interest in BarGirl.

The age difference does NOT make it sad. Where is it written that only people born on the same day could ever be together, and if that is not the case, where do you draw the line? You could be 80 and enjoying the company of people in their 20s for a variety of reasons, only one of them being sexual interest. And what's wrong in having a sexual interest in people that are in their prime? I'd say it's pretty normal and to be expected. Who doesn't like to feel young? The question is: does she have qualities other than her looks?

I personally think you should lay off her instagram for a while, at least until you're closer. Maybe she doesn't use IG to flirt with random strangers, that should be a good thing, right?

You could weigh your interest in her against the possible awkwardness of you showing too much interest and her turning you down, if you really like the bar and want to keep going there.

You could consider the option of keeping the relationship with her in the exact same stage that it's in now, without trying to win her over, just being above the average of the majority of people that come to the bar. In time (a few months to a few years) you could get closer if you still like her and all goes well (also, maybe she's in a very happy and loving relationship at the moment), but meanwhile the bar could be a place where you bring your friends, dates, etc. It's always nice to be friendly with the bar staff.

One question: what part of your life/work/hobbies/personality do you feel you can share with her to let her know a little bit about you before you make your move? I feel that the first step should be for the both of you to figure out if you really like each other.

Do you have female friends where you currently live? An idea could be to bring one of your female friends with you to the bar and show your bargirl some social proof. If you don't have female friends or feel that this is not the way to go for you, you could tell your bargirl that you don't have many friends there because you moved recently and friendzone her. This (if successful) will give you the option to show her who you are in a safe way as opposed to all the weirdos coming in the bar and hitting on her obnoxiously.

A valid seduction technique is to flirt as little as possible (even absolutely NO flirting) and just befriend people, then you can always turn things around if you find that you really like the person and they find that they really like you. The Friendzone, as we all know, is not a zone that prohibits romantic feelings. Anyway, maybe your priority after 1 month of moving to a new place should be to find people that you trust and that you can be friends with. Again, this will give you the opportunity to get to know her a little and find out if you really like more than her looks

If you don't resonate with any of the stuff I wrote above and still feel stuck and sad, another option is to actually ask her out. This way you can get some closure if she says no. You could say what you like about her in a gentlemanly and playful way, state your interest in her, ask her out, and say that if the date doesn't go well romantically, it's no pressure and you could just be friends because you feel good around her presence.

Lastly, there is one thing I feel I should mention, because you said repeatedly that you are a sad old man. My advice is to retain your dignity, that's why I said you should approach her gentlemanly. Don't put yourself in a position to drool over her and show your interest over and over with her turning you down. 40 is a good age, I can't wait to be 40, for a man it's the best age imho, a man in his 40s, his 50s, it's the time when maturity and personal style really shine. Don't try to be who you were in your 20s, there will always be an inner conflict. A man in his 40s can come alone to a bar, sit up front and drink in silence for 2 hours without being sad.
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Default 08-01-2020, 09:04 AM

... Seriously man in your 40 grow some balls just rather creepily stalk her around Instagram, local pub etc... just go in there and ask her out she tells you no you forget her an move on, save some time browsing some dump Instagram. otherwise if she agrees to go out with you, you already one food in her bed.

You newer know she might engaged or have boyfriend etc... could be massive waist of time like i said. Do it quick and move on nothing to lose a lot to gain.

If you planing to do this make sure you not drunk and say something reasonable....

Last edited by Alsido; 08-01-2020 at 09:18 AM.
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Default 14-01-2020, 08:31 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by curadh View Post
Hi guys
This is the situation.
Broke up 2 years ago. Heartbroken, moved to Spain a month ago.
I'm 40. Local bargirl so hot. Chatted to her New Year's very briefly while she was out having a smoke. Complimented her and had a brief laugh, she went back in.
I worked up the balls to add her on instagram with knowing just her first name.
Commented on one of her pics, she just sent some smily emojis.
I went to the bar a few nights later with a friend, she was working alone, and i tried playing it cool just sitting at the bar being friendly to everyone. Didnt really engage her in talking, just a few quips here and there, she really put a lot of alcohol into the drinks! But there was no talk of instagram or anything. Felt a little bit weird. I think she is between 22-26.
Commented on one of her instagram stories the next day and she just wrote back minimal stuff. she had gotten a new tattoo, and I just said about it looked really well. I then made a 'life advice' comment and got nothing back.
So I went down there tonight for a walk and was just walking by a good distance from the bar but she was outside and two young guys approached and I heard her just say "I'm not the girl, my friend is inside".. then the two guys just walked off...
Clearly this is a case of one-itis and it's probably a bit sad an older guy like me trying to get her attention. She doesn't even follow me back on instagram and has lots of followers, she doesn't even look at my pictures or stories. The bar is quiet enough but just lots of weirdos hanging around, and lots of guys tend to come in and flatter her non-stop... think I need to fade away as probably lost my chance.
Any advice for a fast becoming sad old man?
I don't have any advice, but I am 30 and I've not had a girlfriend or anything yet. I get a lot of stick for trying out PUA, but if I don't then a story like yours in going to be in my future if I don't put the effort in.

I hope you the best of luck, anyway.
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Default 16-01-2020, 07:58 PM

Mate, I'm same age as you. just try to get physically fit and take care of yourself (grooming, clothes, smell, etc..) That will give you confidence.
I broke up 6 years ago and I was totally conscious I needed a makeover. I did it. Waited 3 months to approach. When I did it, no problems at all.

If you're not convinced you can give any value to her, your game is inexistent. You need to overcome that low self-esteem mood. It's your only obstacle.

Luck and love


Meaow!
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