Stinson Journal
 

It's been a while since I actually wrote a field report and looking back through my Journal I've begun to realise just how much I've changed.


I'm on here now talking about direct approaches and other ballsy approaches like I've been doing it for ages when it's obvious through my previous posts that I considered a direct approach to be like a forbidden fruit that I didn't want to taste. Plus when I did do a direct approach 90% of the time it was by accident and I was fucking shitting myself about it.


I now mix my approaches, direct, indirect, nice, funny, rudefunny. Basically just whatever I say. My point is it's not pre-planned, scripted. Even 4-5 months ago I'd be in my head so much that I'd be scripting basic shit before going out making the simplest communication such as a "hi" seem scary as hell.


I've grown in confidence, I communicate better, I feel like I'm progressing. But the key difference now is, I am not in my head all the time. I'm now not thinking "she's nice... fuck what should I say... fuck fuck ... or well opportunity gone". Instead I'm now thinking "fuck she's nice" and just talking, people talk about anything. Even when it comes to resistance or awkwardness in terms of what she said, I feel like I'm in auto-pilot and I come out with a rapid response without even thinking about it. Like yesterday I met a young shop assistant serving me after serving some very angry guy just before.

Me: Wow you are the calmest woman I've ever met though you must really hate that guy now".

Her: Haha it's cos I don't care. I hate sex more.

Me: God is your boyfriend really that bad?

The conversation continued successfully and we exchanged numbers, chat some more, then I get a text this evening 'What do I have to do to be your booty call?'.


Something I really need to work on is to stop loosing interest. As soon as a girl get's close to me or even before we have sex, if she becomes easy I lose interest.
I'm not sure if that is even good or bad, hell I'm not even sure why I lose interest. It actually feels like a massive let down.


Whether its something on an inner level like my ego or something else like I like the chase, I'm not sure. But either way I've let some great girls go because of this and it's almost second nature in letting them go.
Any thoughts on this?

Anyway, next time I'm going to refrain from letting the girl go and see what happens.

Got caught completely off guard today by a woman that reconised me from a picture she saw on my now unused PoF account.


I'm walking in the shopping centre when someone taps my shoulder. I turn around and see a girl with a great figure, big brown eyes that compliment her shiny brown hair and a smile of genuine happiness.

Her: Saw your PoF. You have a mind wondering profile but not much about you. I have to admit though it is really interesting, makes me wonder if you said it all to get attention. Its definitely working for you".


Right there I couldn't work it out; was she directly attacking me or what.


I can't remember my response, not gonna lie, I was shocked.
We talked in Starbucks, 1 of the only modern cafes in Middlesbrough. Seriously. I asked her what her favourite line was in my profile to which she said "the part where you said your hobbies are drinking yourself to unconsciousness and falling into heroin induced comas". Until that point I thought she was a PUA!

Told me she's 26yr old, considering her options, thinking of moving away to complete her studying because she's single and bored of the UK.

After about 40 minutes we exchanged phone numbers and she pecked me on the check.

My first conversation of this kind where the woman initiates contact. I'm sure I nearly blew it at the first hurdle. The conversation opened up into my view many weaknesses I have that possibly would have went unnoticed, I am greatful for this. Cute girl, even if she is 5 years older.

Decided to nip around a few of the pubs within a 10 minute walking distance before they start their mass exodus to the night clubs.

Saw a nice blonde, a bit slutty but she had these light blue eyes, I'm a right sucker for fit blue eyed girls, probably fake contacts but so what, I wanted them.
Approached and got her number after a little chat before she climbed into the back of a taxi that smelled heavy from bleach.


Second pub, jack shit. Looked like I entered 40's night.


Third pub I bumped into 3 guys who I 'apparently' be-friended whilst out last week, though I doubt it. Tried to talk to a group of girls but these guys were like leaches, every 2 minutes "get into her mate". Cool, cheers man, now why don't you fuck off.


Shit mini night out, though I did find 1 of the lads on my way home squatting in a bush having a shit. Unfortunately for him he was squatting in a big rose bush so I'm sure he'll have loads of fun tomorrow picking thorns out his arsehole.

Just catching up on your journal Mr Stinson.

Life is never boring, especially with a few slutty blondes around.

Life isn't a bed of roses but it's good sometimes.

Keep up the good work!

Serendipity
Thanks dude. The blonde is a serious slut, she's on the Aycliffe slag list. That takes some doing.




Whilst I waited for my takeaway to come, I had nothing to do other than reflect on the day.

Walked around town, talked to a few of the regulars. Had a crack at 1 of them for looking like shit, she is ill with tonsillitis and a cold, bless.
Not really much going on today, maybe due to me just going to town instead of the city.


On my way home I came across some guys I knew from my secondary school days. I do not get on with them. Not going into detail they left me fucking fuming. I seem to go into a shell when I meet people whom I don't like from my past, I get defensive, boil anger up inside depending on the cercumstances.


It left me furious but also made me start attacking myself, my progression. It rocks the very foundations of my progression to the point where I find myself having to go back and repair it, stalling progression.


I feel in order for me to do well I must move away, out of the country? to another city? who knows. Either way I've got to spend more time doing what I want instead of getting dragged back down by arseholes. I could also confront the situation, though I think I'd be wasting my time.

It's made me more determined than ever to get my arse into uni somewhere in Europe.

Oh and the takeaway was shit.

Good post mate.

I hear what you're saying. When I meet someone I never liked from my past I always think, fuck, it's like in the Superman films where he is confronted by a baddie with a handful of kryptonite and he instantly loses all his amazing earthly powers and is just an ordinary cunt again.

But that's fictional.

The bottom line is these dudes are part of your history, like in a book somebody else wrote about your life. You can't change that. But the important thing is the book misses out a lot about you. Probably all the best bits. Reading a book about someone is nothing like meeting the person in real life.

These are cardboard cutouts from your past mate. They're totally irrelevant. You are above confrontation. That's what they would love. But your playing by your rules now not theirs.

I get your point about getting to somewhere where you want to be and out of the shithole (it was same for me when living in a hellhole in SE London). It might not need to be Europe. I'm in Brussels quite a lot, and it looks great to me. The nightlife is good, lots of uni girls, it's a great city - capital of the EU. I think it's better than London tbh. But I expect there are other places in the UK that are good too.

No need to backtrack or start repairing anything, you are on the right path, just consider the options.

You might not need to leave the UK, just spend some time researching the options.

Be assured that whatever you decide it will be the right decision.

Cheers dude, puts a different perspective on it.

I've been considering a move to another country ever since I was 17. I was never drawn to the uni life in this country, I love the atmosphere abroad, Spain, Holland, Italy (though sometimes they are cunts) and Eastern European countries.


This 'move' has been long in the waiting. It's about time it became reality.


I've whittled my list down to a few countries and drawn a contingency plan by choosing a few cities in the UK that appeal to me.


Give myself 2 weeks to find the courses I want to do and apply for them. This is happening.

good good

I always saw myself working / living abroad. I turned down a job in Oman. Will never know if that was a good decision. But at the moment I'm getting to travel around Europe (France, Germany, Belgium, Luxembourg) quite regularly so it's not worked out too bad. I love it.

I was the same as you, I wanted to get away and experience other cultures. You won't regret it I can guarantee.

"Do what you want to do, I just hope you make the right choice"
 

I got a university viewing on Monday in Eindhoven, quite excited, its a big step forward not only for my education but also for my progression and goals.

I decided to fly over to Eindhoven today and stay with Summer for the weekend. She's a very stubborn girl but a heart of gold. She's agreed to be my chauffeuress with 1 condition; I have to company her to the zoo in Rotterdam so she can complete some work on the baby tigers for her project.

She knows me to a T. On the way back to her house from the airport we stopped off at the shopping centre so she could buy some stuff. I saw my first pair of clogs, then I realised there was a whole isle dedicated to ever variation of clog possible; boot, high heel, trainer, steel capped and so on. She goes on to tell me she had 8 pairs of clogs. 8! She tells me there is a huge sculpture of a pair of clogs not far from her house. We will be visiting that shortly.

She drives straight past her house; least the place where I knew she lived before. Turns out since she's only in The Netherlands for 7 more months before moving to South Africa, she's decided to splash the cash a little and move to a better apartment. The plus side is she now has a sauna and a big jacuzzi-like bath.

I like it. I could see myself enjoying student life here.

It's chauffeuse but good on you

Haha around Eindhoven the vast majority of people don't wear clogs outside, Summer wears them as indoor shoes .. why she needs 8 pairs of them is still a mystery.


It doesn't put me off moving here but it will take some getting use to seeing people wearing them and also them take centre stage at a shoe shop.


I saw both "chauffeuse" and "chauffeuress" couldn't decide which one would be right. To be honest though, at first I was happy to just call her a chauffeur.

I'd try anything once...except wearing clogs and buggery.

They sound like a god damn horse walking, fucking clipity clop.

I actually have a migraine from the constant noise of them.
She better start walking barefoot in the house this weekend.

We had a "we aren't boyfriend/girlfriend" talk last night. All rather pointless I thought since I don't want anything with her other than to just be friends. I humoured her and listened.

In the morning we went out to town again. I couldn't help but be amazed when I saw a store totally devoted to clogs. Crazy! Apparently it's a specialised store, they make clogs to exactly what the customer wants. There was some wacky stuff in there!!!
I have a picture of roller blade clogs!


Summer then took me out to meet some of her friends at a local restaurant for dinner. She told me that 1 of her friends in particular was looking forward to meeting me but that she wasn't allowed to say anything more apart from to tell me that her name begin's with 'C' and ends in 'E'. It was all rather exciting!


"Hi I'm Charlotte". Blonde hair, grey eyes, glowing smile ... wait ... starts with a 'C' and ends with an 'E' ... I see Summer nod and smile at me ... this is the girl she was talking about. We talked for ages about, what England's like, best things about Holland, what she'll be doing next year, the course I want to study, etc... It was fantastic that we got on so well.


Soon it was time to leave and head back to the house. I didn't realise at first but there was 3 of us now it the car. Charlotte is staying with us until Monday. We'd already exchanged phone numbers and emails and done a kiss bye bye but she left out the part where she was staying with us, crafty girl.


Tonight we were both quite flirty and suggestive. We made out another 2 times. She wants to take this a little slow, cuddle in bed, watch movies, kiss etc.. before sex (though she does want to before I leave). Not really sure how to approach this, not really sure I should do much about it, she's already said she wants to at some point this weekend.


I'm having 1 of these 'find it hard to sleep' nights. It's been happening a lot lately. I've got a lot on my plate, a lot of tough decisions. Sleeping tablets give me 6 hours sleep, that'l do.

forget about the tablets, keep your energy up. It sounds like you're going to need it.

go for a run or to the gym. You'll find you think more clearly in those moments where you aren't focussing on the problems you are facing.

Some of it is just fear of the unknown. It's normal to feel that. Don't get into a struggle with it. Just accept that it's coming up for you and you can't get rid of it. Welcome it in as it's a great sign that you are growing and moving forward with your life.

Honesty is the best policy
 

Since my ferry journey home took ages I decided to use the time to get my head around things, work my way to my core problems.

My problem started from secondary school. I learnt to deal with stuff by creating a shield, a mental shield and in front of this shield I put another personality, another me in order to deflect all the shit, keeping my true self behind the shield and intact. But through so many years of using this shield I have also ended up distancing myself away from my true self. I have become so used to this that it's only when I free myself by moving away from my city that I see my true self emerge. It's like a completely different personality, a lot more confident, a lot more fun, more alive, I even feel more genuine; I feel like this is the person I was before.


I believe that this is the reason that I am constantly conflicted and indecisive among other things. It's like my head tells me to do 1 thing whilst my gut tells me to do another.
I also think that a lot of my anger and resentment for many people stems from mainly past experiences. I'd never punch someone just because I felt like it, I might not punch someone even though they deserved it but in Secondary school 1 day I totally lost my grip on the anger, it spilt over and I fought 1 of the lads until a mate of mine dragged me away. Whether they deserved it or not, I'm not sure. I now go do some boxing once a week, I still have anger built up from school and in boxing I can unleash that anger and get rid of it. It's helping a lot but I still have a burning hatred when I come in contact with people that I do not like from my past. I attack myself, why? I don't know. To punish myself for relentlessly beating that kid in school? To force myself to act by moving away?


When I do go away, such as on holiday and my true self emerges it is like a new beginning. Every time I come back home I can continue this for a few days, sometimes a week or more but that's it, I slowly go back into this stupid shell. I keep thinking "well it doesn't stop me from being me though does it"; well actually it does because I feel different.


I think part of it is the people that are around me, especially my friends I grew up with. Though it pains my to say it I think I need to start a fresh, move away, make new friends instead of coming back here and constantly falling into this trap. I'd be wasting my time trying to work at it from here, I need to work at it in an environment that suits me; and that is not here.


I find it unbelievable sometimes that I have all these problems yet I can still be very good socially, get girls with this ridiculously laid back approach and even make small progress. I guess it goes to show that nearly everyone has problems.

This is why I must move away, not only to get on with my life but also to drop the shield, let my true self emerge. This is the only way for my to progress in any way with anything.
Hopefully I'll be better for it.

18/09/2013 - Introduction to Change
 

Day 1
 

I realise that this shield I have described in an earlier post and the unconscious person in front of it is actually an illusion created by my mind, my thoughts, as a way to attempt to defend my true self from both the past and the present.


Have you ever seen the film 'Dave'? I feel like Dave's physical form that the people he comes across on earth see him as. To elaborate; I feel like I am unconsciously walking about, though I know it consciously but powerless to control it, an illusion of my true self. More bluntly, my mind is in control.


My mind controls the past and the present, it puts me in an almost robotic state. For example, I am walking around town and I see 2 girls I could approach.
My concious self is up for the challenge, even relishes the challenge, whereas my unconsciousness (my mind) is in auto-pilot; get from A to B with minimal fuss. Therefore, many times my mind wins and I don't approach, this resulting in my concious self getting frustrated and confused but ultimately blaming it on AA; when it knows that it's not the case. However, if I do approach the only way to describe it is it's like my mind goes into overload and shuts down my unconsciousness revealing my true self; when I approach, successfully or not, for them few minutes I am living in the present day, in the now, free from my mind. That is until my mind's reboot is complete.


This is 1 of the many fundamental reasons why I do not use canned material, I act purely off the cuff whenever I can.



My mind is my trap, I must learn to avoid it wherever possible in order to eventually avoid it completely.

What you posted earlier resonated with me. When I find myself in a new environment, on holiday or whatever, it seems to free my mind up to be whatever I want to be.

This also ties in with the thing about seeing people or imagining events from your past and it taking you back to another time and place that isn't always a pleasant experience.

Proper psychology stuff I've read about this phenomenon says that what's happening is you are fusing with the thoughts rather than just letting them pass through.

You can't stop them coming up, you just have to notice when they come up and let them go on their way. They're actually harmless on their own - it's fusing with them that causes the problems.

So first step is to be aware they are just thoughts (words) and you are not your thoughts.

Over a good few years I've let these thoughts linger in my mind, each 1 springing a new possibility "what if this... what if that..." and so on until my thinking has basically taken over me. The shield I talked about in my earlier post could have been set up by me when I felt threatened, in order to protect myself from my mind. I don't want to think about this, I want to allow the pieces to fall into place. Sometimes a completely random thought will pop into my head and it seems to answer questions and that's it; no thinking.


I'm having a problem in letting go because I can't get at them. I have to peel them off like peeling off a sheet of paper in the game 'pass the parcel', then I'll have the relief when I finally take off the last layer.
I completely agree when you say

I realised that I wasn't in fact myself, I was in an unconscious state made up purely of words, thoughts and experiences. As soon as this comes crashing down whenever I approach someone it's like I've snapped out of a trance. During this I realised

Intuition.

I've heard this described as 'autopilot' where we're going through the motions of engaging in tasks but are too hooked into what's going on in our head to perform the task to full potential.

A challenging situation (when the fight or flight response is triggered) can force us to unhook from everything going on in our heads and become fully engaged in the present.

When we're in that zone we usually produce our best performance.

Day 2,3 & 4
 

Exactly dude. When I'm in my best state I don't even think, I just react and I'm not concerned if it is socially 'right' at the time. When I'm in this state, it would be best to go direct.

I went out half of last night and the night before. I had limited cash and couldn't be bothered walking 20 mins to the ATM so I decided to play a game and see how many girls I could get to buy me a drink.

Thursday

I approached 3 girls sat around a table by just sitting down next to them and saying "So you need my help, see if you can pick out 3 young women that are married" 1 replied "how's that meant to help us" I said "cos then you know which guys to go for". It was not the best approach but all 3 girls laughed. For the next few minutes it was going really well, trying to keep all of them in a conversation was challenging but then 1 of them said what a majority of girls say to one another on a night out "I need a wee". That left me with 2. Talked quite deeply about different aspects of their lives and the various types of art we like. Then I said "you know, your table hostings skills need sorting, can't I get a drink?" Emily (the one that was taking the most interest) whilst laughing said "is this so you get beer balls?" I replied with "hey I've only had 2 drinks, this'l be my third; but I suppose it's 1 step closer to drunk". They both started laughing for what felt like ages "what drink do you want?" Boom! So I got my drink and I noticed that another lad was chatting up the other girl that went to the toilets so Sarah went to rescue her leaving me and Emily alone.


We ended up chatting the whole night, a good 2-3 hours. She gave me her phone number and I text her this morning and she replied pritty swiftly.


Friday

Last night ended up been a free drinks night anyway because some mates were also there and I knew 1 of the bar men from my college years. Nice lad. However, due to the free drinks I got a bit more shit faced than I originally planned.


I ended up knocking on a uni mates door at 2am and I'm told I said "Hey dude did I wake you? I'm gonna crash on your sofa for a bit. Cheers man!" walked in and fell asleep without him saying a word. He woke me up at 6am with the smell of a fry up and surprisingly I had no hangover!


A manly hug and then time to depart for home.

'beer balls', haha, I like it.

could respond with "no.. beer goggles"

Had more of a friends social pub night tonight. No approaches what so ever for some reason I feel like it would be weird if I went off talking to people when some of my mates were there. This is more of an ego problem.
A lot of girls making eye contact, smiling etc.. The pickings were pritty slim for both sexes, rather odd on a Saturday night.



I found myself panning around the room looking for someone who I wanted to approach instead of been focused on socialising with my mates. I did speak to a few people at the bar and I started off the 'God Save The Queen' game.



Highlight of the night was when a girl was getting aggressive approaches from 2 guys. Another guy went over along with the bar manager and kicked the 2 guys out. The girl ran over to the young bar manager "that was so brave, my little hero" , the shock on his face was fantastic, then a serious face "I'm married". And he basically walked faster than Usain Bolt back to the bar, don't think I saw him the rest of the night.


Now to watch the F1 Singapore Qually's.

This sounds very similar to my local pub nights.

My mate was telling me quite heavy life problem stuff last night and although I was listening most of the time I was multi-tasking.

I felt obliged to stay around my friends since the last time we met up was before I went away so like 8-9 weeks ago.

People come to me for advice all the time but I never seemed to be able to sort my own problems out, until now.

Yeah, sometimes people just want a sounding board.. a sympathetic ear and it makes them feel better. A trouble shared and all that.

I can be objective usually and give advice if needed.

But I know what you mean it's a different story sorting out your own shit.

It's because the mind is reflexive. In other words you can have thoughts about thoughts and thoughts about feelings.

It's possible to be anxious about your own anxiety, nervous about being nervous, etc.

It's like the layers you were talking about.

But another person doesn't experience all these internal mental events that are going on. They just get the external behaviour and the communication from you.

Sounds like a good couple of nights!

I came across some guys from my Secondary school days again 2 days ago (Saturday). There is an earlier post about this previous encounter in this thread.

Prior to going out Saturday I started reading 'The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle'. I got up to the 3rd chapter, with the 2nd chapter emphasis on 'pain both past and present'. A lot of what is in the book so far is making a lot of sense to me in terms of my journey of change and the reasons behind it. As a note, I've realised that I am no longer thinking all the time, my attitude is changing; during confrontation I'm biting the bullet instead of fueling the anger fire. Though I want this change, I don't want to go too far i.e. I don't want to give into confrontation all the time; be a little pussy. I want something in between anger and being a pussy.



When I went out on Saturday I saw these 2 lads from my past; 1 of them I was close mates with, mainly due to our link up in school and junior club football as 'the iron duo'. I shit you not, the reporter from the local paper called us that and it just stuck. Anyway, now to the present day, both of these lads I really don't like. I saw them and immediately felt the anger build up inside of me. It was taking me over, just like before when it then ended up being self destructive i.e. me attacking my progressing etc...



Then I remembered what I read in the book about pain, past and present. And I could feel the last little bit of me that wasn't thinking about the situation, that wasn't analyzing what to do, I slowed it down and made it look up (lifting my head up) before it was totally en-caved in the shell I'd created. In that moment I literally just decided to stop thinking, stop making a big deal about this, stop wrapping myself up around this pain, stop thinking about the pain and then subsequently stop feeling the emotions of the pain i.e. the anger, etc.. It was like a mental kick up the arse.



I began to come back from out of my shell, I stopped thinking about the past and devoted my attention to the present. The best thing about this is that I saw the 2 lads from a distance, meaning that before they even got close to me I had gone through this whole process. When they did pass I blanked them, I had no emotion, no thoughts, I devoted time and attention to what I was doing; which was only pushing a trolley, not exactly a mighty task. I saw these 2 lads again at the self service checkouts and again, I experienced nothing. I actually had 1 thought which was "he looks stupid with fat shoulders and a super small head; reminds me of that alien shopkeeper in 'Men in Black' where they shoot his head off and he has a tiny head for a few seconds before it grows back to full size".



I have not attacked my progression, rather the opposite, I have seen that I have progressed and progressed rapidly. I put out the build up of anger and the spreading anger fire it was causing almost as quickly as it had started, I began to take control. I need to carry this state of devoting my attention to the present into everyday life instead of for only a few seconds/minutes in challenging situations. But, it's a start.



I found my happy present state whilst I was out 1 night walking my dogs. I looked up at the stars and instantly everything else didn't matter, no thoughts or anything. There I found that this was a stepping stone to unlocking the grip my mind has over me. I found that it is possible for me to move into a state where I devote my attention to the present and nothing else.

I will be working on all of this a lot more, especially now that I've seen some very positive results.

_________

This doesn't necessarily mean that I think everything that Tolle says is true; there's some parts that I've read up to the present day where I think he is totally wrong. Though, I will continue to read as I feel I can take some things from his teachings.

Living in the present and being more aware of your thoughts (the mechanics of them, not what they are) is something I've found pretty awesome lately. Although sometimes I forget to do both of these or have a tough time getting back there if I'm in a bad mood.

This resonated quite well with me. So often we forget to just sit back and look at how big the world is and how small we are in the grand scale of things. The present moment, that process oriented trance is the only thing that matters. Enjoy the moment. :rolleyes:

I've noticed this extreme 'present' feeling just before giving a presentation or doing a cold approach. Similar levels of high anxiety for me.

I start to notice tiny details in the environment that I wouldn't normally.

Like a corner of one of the carpet tiles on the floor near my feet is sticking up slightly or one of the vertical blinds on the window is slightly twisted.

Or someone coughs at the back of the room and I hear all the tones and vibrations of the cough as they resonate around the room.

I'm not thinking about anything at that point. Simply experiencing what's coming through my senses directly and non-judgmentally.

I would like to be able to be in this state more often. But it seems hard to do it on demand. It needs constant practice I think.

I've read a few techniques in books but I get lazy and forget to practice them.

I am becoming more aware now how much the mind play tricks on us.

We can't control events outside of us but we can learn to control how we respond internally to those events. We can question the beliefs that distort events in unhealthy ways.

Getting to the point where you do not feel you need to control anything or anyone around you in order for you to be happy is definitely the way to go.

Whilst I getting good results (above post) with people from the past, it is very different with people that I know the most; family.
They know my vulnerabilities that wind my up and piss me off, it seems that my family is the only thing that is working against me and my goals.


I'm not a family orientated person, not at all. I have been like that my whole life. I remember been told in school that family is the centre of everything; if you don't have or want a family then you'll never get married; if you don't want a family then you'll never be happy.
I know this is bullshit now but back in school, when I was taught that I remember been fucking messed up for months, maybe years because of it.


I never wanted family because I think its over rated. Personal opinion. Everybody I meet all state that they can see the resemblance between me and my dad. That's fustrates me so much, I don't not want to be like my dad, I want to be myself. That is possibly 1 reason why I don't want a family; so its like a radical change that seperates me from my dad. That is how I rationalised it, that was my reasoning, and I had this mind frame from 15 year old.


That little part of school lives on in my mind anytime I'm with family. I always have them reoccuring thoughts and these thoughts also materialize into other things such as thinking "she won't like me" during an approach.


Every fucking thing I'm wanting to change is burried under years and years of other things which makes it very difficult to get to.
Moving away seems the best option.

I've been able to find a way for me to go from a thinking/past state to a present state. It involves taking some control of my heart rate, slowing it down by breathing better and focusing on any particular object in front of me. This takes only a few seconds.


However, stopping myself from getting dragged back into a thinking state is still a long way off.

Early days yet.


___________________

Got a phone call off a girl I haven't seen in ages that's majoring at Manchester Uni. We were very close, friends with benefits. She's 25 now "you'll be getting a free bus pass soon!"

Anyway, she's wanting a catch up and was going to come back up here and rent a room but I decided to tell her I'll come to Manchester instead for a few days; use this as a good way to scope the city out.


Should be fun.

Walking my dog and saw a car run over a tiny fox in the middle of the road only 2 minutes from my house. I was going to leave it but it started moving and I thought to myself "don't be a cunt, just have a look see if it's alright".

From what I could see after I pritty much muzzled it's mouth with the dogs lead, it only had a leg problem. So I brought it back to the house and made a splint for it's leg from 1 of my old metal knee braces from when I had my surgery. And it's now in my use-to-be indoor ferret enclosure with the portable heater and stuff. It's up and walking about with a little bit of a hobble.


RSPCA vet is coming out tomorrow.

I feel like a fucking hero. Though it's only a fox...

Well the Fox was alive this morning so suppose that's a good start. Still limping, the splint is doing a good job. It ate half a chicken pritty quickly. Dogs were mega jealous.


Vet is due between 12 - 5 .. Was thinking about putting the ferret harness on it and taking it for a walk this morning when its cry woke me up at 5am.


This is my good deed for the week.

That has crossed my mind.

I'm hoping that the vet doesn't take it. I should work out some persuasion tactics.

After a good in-depth discussion the vet and the RSPCA officer have agreed to leave the fox with me as the vet feels the leg problem is only a sprain and needs no medical intervention.


She said because its a fox the RSPCA rarely take them into the clinic as there are loads of them about and the priority of the RSPCA is to look after the most at risk animals first.

It should be released either tonight or tomorrow night. Makes me slightly nervous since it nearly took a few of my fingers off when trying to get it to come out of its den for the vet.