Saturday 25 Jan 14

I couldn't sleep tonight, probably due to the vodka and red bull and exciting night / morning I had. So I just typed the FR. It's long but I hope you can take the time to read it. As usual it's interleaved with my deeper thoughts on stuff.

SmileyK came up to join me in Luton and my wing from my home town came later on. This was a last minute arrangement. It was cool. He turned up in my local. It was a culture shock because this is the first time a PU mate has met my ordinary mates...two worlds collide so to speak, Haha I loved it. They liked him right away cause he's a cool guy. And they are good guys too. SmileyK mentioned "the forum" and I was like fuck don't mention that. But it was so outside their reality it didn't register LOL. It was great to have a forum mate into my wee world for a while.

The town where we headed to in search of chicks (Luton) wasn't that busy but there were enough girls in the clubby bar that we were in. There was a dance floor and the bass was pumping so we were in the zone. I'm hoping SmileyK enjoyed it. I think he did. It got busier as the night went on, after midnight. I was getting quite drunk but was holding up okay. I was chatting, dancing and getting physical with girls and was having a good night. We had loads of good interactions.

I was kinoing on the dance floor. I deliberately forced the kino. I wasn't a perv but I touched females gently as we danced. But it was a bit forced. At some point late on security approached me and said If I didn't leave some girls alone, who had complained about me (touching them), I would have to leave. I was quite shocked about that and had a chat with the security guy telling him exactly what I did. He agreed with me that I wasn't being a nuisance but he said he was just doing his job. So I said I wasn't going to talk to those girls again anyway. But especially if they had complained about me. I still don't understand why they complained about me. They didn't complain to me directly so I guess they just went straight to security because I made them feel uncomfortable.

I'm just sorry that what I thought was having fun they took as creepy/ threatening. Nothing could have been further from my intentions. It just proves the concept that if you are forcing , girls take it as creepy, if you are naturally abundant and just having a laugh then you're cool. Two different worlds. At the moment I'm in the wrong one. But that will change one day soon. There's a world of difference between a newbie trying to do something and an ubundant PUA doing the same thing. As a newbie you just won't get away with it I'm afraid. You have to work your way up the steps. It's the hard slog that you have to go through. Sorry but there's no shortcuts.

With hindsight I probably overegged the kino pudding a bit. I just wanted to push it a bit. I wasn't crass, I maybe just creeped them out a bit. It's difficult to win with women when you're a wet behind the ears newbie at kino and maybe a bit desperate to progress your game. But you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs. Fuck it. It doesn't surprise me most guys give up around this point.

But there's one thing you can know about me. When there's something I'm passionate about achieving I don't quit, no matter how adverse the odds. I never, never, never, never give up. That's a quote from one of my heroes, Winston Churchill. If it's the last thing I do I'll figure this puzzle out. Not meaning I'll understand it all but I'll get to competence. I'll get laid. I've never totally failed at anything I've applied myself to. Blood, sweat and tears, it just makes me work even harder.

It's a bit of a blow, a slap in the face, but fuck it, I'm getting used to this in learning pickup, it's not the end of my world. I'm still alive and kicking. At least I pushed it on tonight, I wasn't a total chode. I just got the calibration wrong one time with those girls. Lots of other girls liked me. I was talking with and touching loads of girls and most of them didn't complain. Some girls are just a bit bitchy for some reason. For all I know those girls complain to security every week. As I say the security guy seemed to be on my side. Who cares who's to blame anyway. It's inconsequential.

In a way I'm quite pleased about this because I'm finally moving away from "the friendly guy curse" and indifference from women (another curse). The friendly / nice guy that never gets the girl and they just forget him instantly. That doesn't mean I want to be be the scary obnoxious creepy guy either, but at least I've managed to move somewhere different. I said in previous FRs that I need to make some mistakes to progress. Fear of making mistakes will only hold you back. It's fucking humiliating but who cares. You can be the same as always and safe for your whole life but you'll never get anywhere. I frightened some girls...good. It shows I pushed the envelope, maybe a bit clumsy, but I'll refine it.

Now, if I could adjust to somewhere in between those two extremes I could be the attractive guy most of the time. Add some game skills and I might be able to get laid. I think it's good to play around with your identity. Most people are just stuck with what they think they've been stuck with. The thing I love about this forum, self-help and pickup is everyone who is interested in this is not interested in standing still or closing down their perceptions. Getting stale and lying down and dying. We want to get up and shout in the faces of the boring bastards that dominate our lives. It takes a lot of courage to stand on your own two feet, walk up to a woman you want and lay yourself out bare to be judged and rejected and complained about. Most guys just can't do it. They won't do it and can't. We should never forget that fact. It's the reason why I have so much respect for the guys on this forum who have done it. I've never met anyone else who did or can do it.

I danced and I held some women's hands and touched their hips lightly. So they thought it was creepy and they complained to security about me. To be honest I don't really give a fuck what they think. Because they wouldn't have complained that a guy was too timid towards them. I guess I have to dial it down a bit. But I'm also guessing if it had been a really good looking guy who did the same thing they wouldn't have complained to security about him?

What I mean is I got it wrong obviously in one case and went too far with that woman. But it was more misjudging the woman rather than going over the mark. Looking back I think it was just one girl that complained. The other girls I was touching and dancing with were enjoying it. I wasn't groping, it was just hand on shoulder, arm and maybe hips when we were dancing together. need to watch how one little thing like this can get in your head and start to totally fuck you up. So women hate you for being timid and hate you if you touch them. No wonder I gave up on women years ago. They damn you if you don't and then damn you if you do. Well whatever. I'll get it right soon. Let me vent my spleen for now.

I have spend the last year trying to unwire all the shit that got programmed into my brain about a negative self- image. I'm not going down the same track. Obviously I don't want to be acting like a dick. Maybe sometimes I have. But that doesn't define me and it's nothing to do with my worth as a valuable human being.

Fuck it. I'll work hard to be the best I can be but I'm not going to be ashamed of trying something different, even if I get it wrong 20% of the time. It's still worth it to me to plough on.

I'm a newbie and I fucked up a few times. It's embarrassing but better than not doing anything at all.

You think your identity is a fixed thing. It's not, you can change it. experiment with who you can be and hone it into what you want. This is a very possible task. And you have to do it, not for anyone else, just for yourself. Just treat it as your social experiment. It takes the personal element out of it.

If you meet a woman along the way and you decide to settle for that then that's great. But please don't expect me to live by the same rules or principles as you do. And don't judge me on what I did and all my flaws. I am by nature imperfect, flawed, human. I am what In am.

Dear reader...please don't get the wrong impression from my introspective FR. It was a shit hot night tonight...more please!