I know this is a bit of an issue I have. I use alcohol to relax and shut up my negative internal dialogue, then I can get in state and I'm unfiltered. But I also get a bit obnoxious. Not too bad but this isn't intentional. If I didn't drink I probably would never get out of my head.

I've never pulled or had sex sober or without being on drink / drugs. But it's been crazy and very good or a disaster. When you do drink and drugs nothing is half measure. It's either all good or all bad. I don't do drugs anymore and not for a long time. T

That seems to say a lot about me and the emotional problems I've had over the years and that have held me back. It's fucking tragic, it's pathetic, it's weak, it's unattractive, it's self -defeating, it's lowering self esteem and confidence, it's a never ending cycle of doom, it's turning your life into a piece of shit and I knew it had to stop. I'll be the first to admit that it was self indulgent but I though it was real. I recently realised thoughts and emotions you have aren't real, they are just fiction. And it's why I drew the line and said ..no more, no more.

I'm just trying to break out of the prison cell and set it all right. I'm starting to achieve that. It's hard but if it was easy I would think there was something wrong. Nothing that is worthwhile doing is easy.

I'm sooo fucking determined to get out of it, and I will. I know I've got it in me to succeed. I've succeeded in other areas of my life. Why would some girls defeat me. I'm going to fucking beat this challenge. I'm making it my life's work. In no way I am I blaming women. I'm past that.

It's down to me to just grow up, mature and get on with life, whatever it takes. I've been through the women hating stage. I'm beyond that now. I realised I like women and a lot of them like me too. I'm moving closer to connecting with them. It's just a bumpy ride still. You'll see that from my FR.