Since my ferry journey home took ages I decided to use the time to get my head around things, work my way to my core problems.

My problem started from secondary school. I learnt to deal with stuff by creating a shield, a mental shield and in front of this shield I put another personality, another me in order to deflect all the shit, keeping my true self behind the shield and intact. But through so many years of using this shield I have also ended up distancing myself away from my true self. I have become so used to this that it's only when I free myself by moving away from my city that I see my true self emerge. It's like a completely different personality, a lot more confident, a lot more fun, more alive, I even feel more genuine; I feel like this is the person I was before.


I believe that this is the reason that I am constantly conflicted and indecisive among other things. It's like my head tells me to do 1 thing whilst my gut tells me to do another.
I also think that a lot of my anger and resentment for many people stems from mainly past experiences. I'd never punch someone just because I felt like it, I might not punch someone even though they deserved it but in Secondary school 1 day I totally lost my grip on the anger, it spilt over and I fought 1 of the lads until a mate of mine dragged me away. Whether they deserved it or not, I'm not sure. I now go do some boxing once a week, I still have anger built up from school and in boxing I can unleash that anger and get rid of it. It's helping a lot but I still have a burning hatred when I come in contact with people that I do not like from my past. I attack myself, why? I don't know. To punish myself for relentlessly beating that kid in school? To force myself to act by moving away?


When I do go away, such as on holiday and my true self emerges it is like a new beginning. Every time I come back home I can continue this for a few days, sometimes a week or more but that's it, I slowly go back into this stupid shell. I keep thinking "well it doesn't stop me from being me though does it"; well actually it does because I feel different.


I think part of it is the people that are around me, especially my friends I grew up with. Though it pains my to say it I think I need to start a fresh, move away, make new friends instead of coming back here and constantly falling into this trap. I'd be wasting my time trying to work at it from here, I need to work at it in an environment that suits me; and that is not here.


I find it unbelievable sometimes that I have all these problems yet I can still be very good socially, get girls with this ridiculously laid back approach and even make small progress. I guess it goes to show that nearly everyone has problems.

This is why I must move away, not only to get on with my life but also to drop the shield, let my true self emerge. This is the only way for my to progress in any way with anything.
Hopefully I'll be better for it.