Thanks Barney Stinson

This post probably belongs in the psychology part of the forum but since we're on the discussion here I think it's worth posting it here now. Sorry it's a bit long but it's not simple to explain. When I realised this it helped me a lot.

I studied NLP for a while and this is how psychologists think the process your describing works...

Your mind is defending the belief system and model of reality that it's constructed over your lifetime from your experiences. This happens in the subconscious part of your brain so you are not aware of it.

Even a single event early in life, such as being told by someone that you are ugly, or being rejected by a girl you liked can be the basis for part of your model of reality. The brain works on the information it has available at the time no matter how small an amount of information it is. Then it makes this into a general rule in your model of how the world works.

As long as this model works for your survival (i.e. your still breathing) and is not changed by another experience it thinks this is a good strategy for your survival and sees no reason to change it. You really believe that it is you that you are defending and not just a model of reality.

But what is really happening when you think you are being 'attacked' is someone is just offering you an alternative model of reality...in this case a version of reality that's going to be more helpful in you getting the results you want.

Your mind will come up with an endless river of excuses why you're not getting the results (thoughts like 'I'm just unlucky' or 'I'm a shy person' or 'I just haven't met the right girl', blah blah) to support your old model, even though it clearly doesn't work for you in getting the result you want.

These thoughts and beliefs can become a self fulfilling prophecy, meaning you act in accordance with them (you act shy) and you don't get the results and it convinces your mind that the reason you don't get results is because you are a 'shy person'. You believe it's just the way you were made and there's nothing you can do about it. In other words you believe that 'some guys have it and I don't'. So you give up and get nothing.

Most people only seek to question the old model when they hit rock bottom (e.g. clinical depression or have a nervous breakdown). I think some people coming to this forum have reached near that point and have decided to take action. They are desperately looking for support to do it. You won't get it on the NHS. 'Doctor I can't seem to get a woman....nope!'.

When you follow the alternative model by taking certain actions and actually do start experiencing the results you want it convinces your mind very quickly that the old model can be discarded and replaced by the new one (self-discovery /self-growth).

The vicious cycle that usually happens to a lot of people (me included) is if you don't do the actions at all, or well enough, you don't get the results and this convinces your mind the old model was right and the new one is no good. So you stay stuck with not getting the results you want and all the frustration of that.

The shock treatment (being confronted with your flaws in a forceful way) is a way to at least shake your current belief system so that you will start to question whether it's serving you or not. After the discussion on this thread, I spent last night and this morning questioning mine and came to the conclusion my old model sucks. I'm getting better results with the new one. So onward and upwards.

Most self-help books and psychologists sum this process up as this: if you do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've got