Review: interacting with the girl

In the last couple of weeks I have recently been hanging out with another dude, called Riz, who I met through another day game guy on the streets. He not only does day game himself, but also teaches other guys day game. We have been getting on well and kicking about ideas on it all, and he has started to give me opinions on some of the issues I have been having. He therefore suggested I record one of my interactions with a girl on the street.

I did just that and I thought I'd run a pretty smooth interaction with her with me getting her number. Riz then offered to listen to it and over a coffee he ran through what he saw as issues:

Voice projection: When I introduced myself to the girl I sound apologetic, and I even say I'm sorry to her. He suggested I practice projecting my voice more. My Mum used to always tell me to speak up.

Neutralise voice tonality: When responding to pretty much everything the girl says I speak with high pitched upward inflections. By doing this I am trying to force rapport with me telling her everything she says is 'cool' or 'amazing', even if I don't care! I am not a challenge to her, I am not expressing any genuine emotion, I am merely agreeable.

Passion & enthusiasm: When talking about my own interests I almost brush these aside, for fear of coming across as boastful or possibly even fear of boring the girl. I am trying to come across as agreeable in order for her to 'like me', rather than polarizing myself by expressing myself more authentically.

Create a stronger connection: My conversation didn't really going far beyond surface level or what you might read on a profile or cv. If I want to get to know these girls I should dig deeper and find out what interests or motivates the girl to do her job, or her hobbies. She probably felt I wasn't all that interested to find out about her.

Generally the girl seems attracted to me, giggling to break the tension and telling me about herself. But because I was too needy, outcome dependent and probably left her wondering why I'd asked for her number (beyond finding her attractive), the text interaction following this fizzled out fast.
Obviously there are many other variables to why they wouldn't be interested, but I feel that by addressing some of my weak behaviour I can improve how a girl who is attracted to me perceives me.