I meant to write this up sooner, I've been rather lazy lately.

When it comes to relationships there’s a HUGE amount that can be said, the first thing that’s probably most important is that how you treat a relationship should not be how you treat attracting someone. The behaviours that work when creating attraction are generally contradictory to what works for a relationship and in many cases will only damage or bring an eventual end to the relationship. Here’s a quick breakdown of the basics necessary for longevity in a relationship, this is by no means complete and judgement must be exercised in all situations, in some scenarios parts of this will not apply, in many however it will.

Communication

• A mutual agreement to communicate.
• Bring up problems immediately and discuss – no matter how small.
• Don’t ask the internet, tell your partner.

By mutually agreeing to communicate with one another you’re making a pact of sorts, an agreement to discuss, compromise and listen to one another’s problems in order to help make the relationship work. Agreeing to bring up problems no matter how small as early as possible ensures that the problem will not grow into something out of hand, when problems are ignored they usually get much bigger. The vast majority of relationship problems can be solved few merely communicating with your partner and working towards a solution, instead of asking the internet what you should do about something exercise your own initiative! Speak to your partner.

Honesty

• Be absolutely honest with one another.
• Don’t even tell white lies.
• Absolute honesty improves trust.

There’s a lot of disagreement in studies on the number of lies per day, ranging from 3 to as many as 200. The majority however place this number at between 3 and 10. Everybody tells a number of white lies, mainly to their partners, every day. These are absolutely unnecessary in reality, there is no need for thme. Yes you might think that you’re saving your partner’s feelings when you tell them you don’t like those new jeans they bought but you’re doing it at the expense of added trust you might have gained. If your partner knows you don’t even tell these every day white lies then they’re going to be far more trustworthy of you, they’re not going to feel like you might decieve them on bigger issues. It in fact improves a relationship.

Trust

• Combining communication and honesty makes strength increasingly stronger.
• Trust helps defeat insecurity.

In every relationship there is a common problem – that of the fear of loss. Inevitably when one person cares greatly for another they do not wish to lose that person, if this were not present it would raise eyebrows, however it does lead to some common issues associated with the insecurity it can sometimes bring. Dependant on the behaviour of partners one person can feel worried about their partner going out without them. This is not necessarily because they fear being cheated on – a common mistake. You can entirely trust that your partner would not cheat on you but still have fears of them going out without you, this is because your partner does not have to cheat for you to lose them. In order to defeat this partners must communicate their insecurities in such a way that they can overcome outside interferences. They must be able to explain that they’re worried about x person or x behaviour and get the reassurance and change necessary to remove the insecurity. Much of the time though when many of the things I have discussed here are all combined this insecurity issue becomes largely minimised and non existant in many cases.

Balance

• If one side has less control in the relation they may feel insecure.
• If one side has too much control they may feel over responsible or as though their partner is weak.

The imbalance of a relationship causes most break ups.
Lack of control leads to insecurity, insecurity leads to neediness, neediness leads to unattractive features.
Unattractive features inevitably cause one person to lose attraction. If one person is over controlling and not compromising or allowing their partner equal say on various things – or refusing to compromise on a problem, the relationship inevitably falls apart somewhere down the line. Balance is key to ensuring longevity.

Cooperation

• A couple that understands all of the above cooperate to make a relationship work.
• Work to make each other happy. Not yourselves.

This is absolute common sense(or uncommon, if you look at the number of people NOT doing it), two people that cooperate are better than two people working against one another or for themselves. Relationships are built upon making each other happy opposed to making yourself happy. This is the case in the majority of relationships and because of it all that is usually necessary in solving a problem is for your partner to know how the problem is affecting you, nobody wants to hurt the person they care about.

Problem solve first!

• Don’t just end a relationship.
• Try to solve things before ending it.
• All relationships have rought patches.
• Don’t just run away, try to work with your partner to solve a problem before calling it a day.

This is an all too common theme I see. People talk to their friends about a problem in the relationship and then after a couple of weeks they just end it. Their partner never knew there was a problem and thus there was absolutely no chance for it to be solved. It is not your partner’s fault if a relationship ends because YOU did not talk about a problem, it is YOUR fault. Talk to your partners, know that a problem can’t be solved before moving on.

Remain attractive

• Be the best person in their life.
• If someone loses attraction for you, the above means nothing.
• Always try to be fun, awesome and enjoyable to be around.
• If you are the best person in their life there is no reason to be insecure.
• If you become somebody that your partner no longer sees as attractive or someone they enjoy themselves around then the relationship is inevitably doomed. Always remember the key reasons you’re with your partner – you enjoy being around them. Make sure they want to be around you.

Of all the advice I can give on this subject there is one thing that stands above everything and that is state of mind. There are effectively two mindsets that people have in relationships. The first mindset is that they may care for their partner but are uncertain of whether they will always be together. The second mindset is one of cast iron commitment in the face of adversity.

The first mindset, when faced with a problem will see the possibility of failing to solve said problem. The second mindset will not. They will vehemently believe that anything can be solved. The first mindset inevitably allows doubt to creep in, over thinking occurs and people tend to think themselves out of relationships. In many cases this occurs in relationships where both partners are fully in love too, in many cases the over-thinker only realising they’ve made a terrible mistake in ending things after the fact. In their attempts to repair their mistakes they look insecure or like they’re messing their partner about and an inevitable spiral occurs that can only end badly.

“We might get through this”
“We WILL get through this”

Which mindset do you think works?