Footnote: Please be warned, this is an extremely self indulgent post. After a long think, I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, and wondered if anybody else might have had similar experiences, or have anything to add. I apologise in advance if I am just rambling or disappearing up my own arse in any way.
It is argued that it's much more preferable to start out as the lover and not the provider and I entirely agree with this. A lover can always transition to a provider later on in a relationship if he so pleases. For a guy who, from the outset, has set himself up in the provider role it is much more complicated, if not impossible to transition to lover.

Indeed, most "beta-male provider types" (if you'll excuse the stereotype) are envious of lovers, with whom women share passionate chemistry. They don't understand it when some broke guy who is recklessly irresponsible and with a bad reputation comes along and, with what appears like relative ease, takes the girl he would like to pamper and provide for.

I have ALWAYS been the lover. The fact that I have never had much money, often none, and lived an Earnest Hemingway lifestyle, reassures me of this fact. Any woman, who is with me is with me for the passion and not the security. And I'm not just talking about financial security either. I've always lived life on the edge and been a wild child.

My past is chequered and I make no secret of this to any of the women or friends that I have. They can either handle it or they can't. As a teenager, I was in kid's homes and always in trouble with the law. Up until just before the millennium I was in and out of jail with drug problems. All this shit got cleaned up and I sorted myself out and went to uni.

They rarely admit it, but I'd say some of my LTRs have been excited by my past or at the very least impressed by the journey that I have taken to make the changes that I have.

I always get in LTRs with girls from really good homes and backgrounds, completely different from my own. Seriously, some of my exes have had millionaire parents; crazy how opposites can attract.

Unfortunately, I probably still have scars from my past and this can cause problems in my relationships, especially when I drink.

During one LTR, I actually stopped drinking for 6 months and was totally chilled out, in control of my emotions, getting my life in order, and starting to make good money.

The lover was starting to show potential as a provider. No wonder that particular girl was head over heals in love with me. But then I started drinking again, fucked another two women (while the relationship was up in the air) and then we split up completely.

I have the unusual advantage of having a rough edge but also being educated, cultured and an avid reader. This gives me access to women who have never met someone like me. All their previous boyfriends have been clean cut.

The flip side is, I find that girls from good homes enjoy having flings with me but then they may bail out when they see that I still haven't really got my shit together. They will sometimes do this, despite their feelings. I've had women tell me that they love me but they just can't handle me, or that they need more stability.

My mate made me laugh once when a girl I'd split up with (my choice this time) started going out with a rich lawyer. He told me, “Ah, she'll be drinking from champagne flutes now... but she'll be thinking about your Nutella jars.”

My American ex girlfriend's mother, whose father is the vice mayor of the town they live in, used to beg her to split up with me, even before she had met me. She used to try and fix her up with rich scientist chodes and lawyers that wanted to marry her. This actually had the adverse effect though and made her want to be with me more :-).

Well guess what? It's been a fun ride and an emotional roller coaster for ALL involved but I'm actually sick of this shit. I need to get myself together so that I have more to offer than great sex and wild times. That way I get to keep the women I desire for as long as I want and not just for brief affairs.

Some people might say, “Dude, what the fuck are you complaining about? That's what you want. Fuck em and flee,” but I want to have more control over the situation and one day, if I so choose, be in a place where I can easily settle down with the woman that I adore, get married and have kids, and if it doesn't work out go back to being a PUA ;-).

I know that the main thing that has held me back in life is alcohol. I don't drink everyday, I'm a binge drinker, but one is never enough for me. I often drink to the point of black out and then I am badly organised during the day because I am hungover and lacking energy. It effects my behaviour when I am drunk (obviously) and my mood in the following days.

I've tried abstinence, but I just feel weird being in a bar or club without a drink, plus people nag you to have a drink and it makes you feel alienated. So now I have found another solution. I've started taking a medicine called Naltrexone which blocks the opiate receptors in the brain. The craving for alcohol is caused by endorphin release in the reward centre of our brains. When this is cut off the craving to continue drinking vanishes.

I've been taking it for a week now and have already noticed massive results. On Saturday night I was barely able to finish my second beer. Today, I feel full of energy, constructive, cheerful and in control of my emotions.

I think this is the way for me, because I don't want to cut out drinking completely; I want to be able to go out, have a couple of drinks, and be in total control of my game. I know that if I can fix my drinking issues all the rest will follow, in my social life, my professional life, and most importantly my love life.