I can declare that I'm officially on the fence about taking a vaccine and that I have been for quite a while.

Sometimes I just feel like saying screw it, and going and getting my first jab. Going through the pharmacy today they had a sign offering free vaccines and I felt the urge to get it, but I didn't.

Part of me wants to just do it and part of me is still quite aggrieved by the perceived pressure to take it. Am I just succumbing to the pressure, or do I really want to do it? I'm not entirely sure at this point. Am I also being very stubborn? I'll admit that's a strong yes.

It's got nothing to do with entering certain places because everyone can enter restaurants and pubs etc here in Northern Ireland if you show either proof of vaccination or proof of a negative test. So it's not that.

Something I really dislike, and I believe it is contributing to pushing me the other way, is some of the crazy, deluded bullsh*t that anti-vaxxers come out with 🙉 those looney bins do not represent me in any way and part of me wants to take the vaccine just to distance myself from these airheads.

At the top of it all is that although I'm fit and I'm sure I'd be okay if I caught Covid, I wouldn't want to be responsible for giving it to anyone vulnerable (I've never tested positive, however).

I also just realized this has probably subconsciously come to a head with the turn of a new year looming. Do I want to begin and endure another year fighting this? Why the hell am I even fighting it?

It's because I'm a fucking stubborn cunt and the idea of being excluded from being allowed to engage in certain areas of public life got my back up and I got defensive.

I'm just personally torn that if I get it, I'm somehow 'giving in' even though I know it's beneficial and that I'm obviously not more knowledgeable than expert scientists in this field.

Someone either lecture me or reassure me. Anything.