Hey guys,
Wanted to post a few recent learnings I've had around dating.
I had been out of the dating scene for a few years and started back into it - was getting ghosted a lot, even by girls who, tbh, I felt were "beneath" me looks wise. These were Tinder dates (obviously haven't had much action in bars until pretty recently).
I think I had been applying a lot of "bar game" to dates. And tbh thinking back I'm not sure if the "bar game" I was using in the past was even my best style for bars.
I was always very heavy on the escalation / sexual tension vibe, and it worked at times. But recently for Tinder dates it was falling flat. Sure, I occasionally was sleeping with women, but then they ghosted me. Even the ones I wasn't sleeping with were ghosting me. When I turned off that vibe they always said there was "no spark".
Here's a few things I learned. Feel free to question/challenge/critique - this is only my current understanding and there's always more to learn!
- If you're an attractive guy and you're going in all sexual/escalation, she's gonna be on red alert - "Player!"
- Connection is super important
- If you escalate too quickly without a proper connection, the vibe is gonna be all weird, unless she's just looking for sex
- "No spark" doesn't necessarily mean she's not interested in you, it can mean she thinks you're not interested in her
So I changed my approach - cut out all the kino, cut out all the sexual tension stuff, cocky/funny, etc. Just be relaxed, properly connect with the girl, appreciate her as a person, learn about her deepest feelings, ask her about growing up, what makes her tick, her hopes and dreams. Lots of questions. Open up about all of these myself - she might not want to share first.
Sprinkle in some compliments and light flirting to show my interest, but don't try and get close or touch her or anything like that.
Basically cut out all the "game".
The transformation in results has been amazing. Much more interest - girls jumping on me and kissing me, much less ghosting.
The reason (I think) - less player vibes, less pressure, showing more balanced interest (ie. balanced between sexual and her as a person).
IMO shows that sometimes, "less is more".
Anyway, this might be obvious to some of you guys, but it wasn't obvious to me. Interested to hear your thoughts on this.