Good morning gentlemen. At 63 I am afraid I have been slow to learn, but I believe I have finally gained some insight. What I can offer you is a free t-shirt design, the name of the best book to carry around, and detailed instructions for handling the initial encounter. From there on out you are on your own ... but it should be plain sailing by then -- trust me. Enlist today, and you will have made real progress as early as tomorrow morning.

The essence is putting women in their place, and this is what the t-shirt and book do for you. Women will descend on you from all directions to argue about it, and it is then up to you to defend yourself as best you can. For a start, please follow my instructions to the letter. After you have developed the right gait, posture, and eye contact you might consider dispensing with the t-shirt and book ... but please proceed with care: caution is the better part of valour. Only abandon the weapons when you are really, really sure you can face at least a single woman (or young girl) all on your own. They are incredibly clever, especially with words, and the slightest error on your part can cause you to lose confidence.

The artwork, book reference and instructions are all on my website (there’s a link in my profile), but wait: before you visit I must warn you. My recent past has been very murky, and I have confessed it all on the website -- I would otherwise risk seriously misleading you. So please brace yourself to learn about my imprisonment for threatening my wife, and my certification as a lunatic -- all on my home page. I apologise if this offends you, but it would be wrong of me to hide the truth.

With that, tally-ho and good hunting -- and please get married as soon as possible. Those who are already married should only use these techniques under the strict supervision of your wife.