How do you get into the communication loop? How can you respect and appreciate another person's model of the world while keeping your own integrity? In education, therapy, counselling, business, selling and raining, rapport or empathy is essential to establish an atmosphere of trust, confidence and participation, within which people can respond freely. What do we do to gain rapport with people, how do we create a relationship of trust and responsiveness, and how can we refine and extend this natural skill?


To get a practical, rather than a theoretical answer, turn the question the other way round. How do you know when two people are in rapport? As you look around in restaurants, offices, any place where people meet and talk, how do you know which people have rapport and which do not?


Communication seems to flow when two people are in rapport, their bodies as well as their words match each other. What we say can create or destroy rapport, but that is only 7 per cent of the communication. Body language and tonality are more important. You may have noticed that people who are in rapport tend to mirror and match each other in posture, gesture and eye contact. It is like a dance, where partners respond and mirror each other's movements with movements of their own. They are engaged in a dance of mutual responsiveness. Their body language is complementary.


Have you ever found yourself enjoying a conversation with somebody and noticing that both your bodies have adopted the same posture? The deeper that rapport, the closer the match will tend to be. This skill would seem to be inborn, for newborn babies move in rhythm with the voices of the people around them. When people are not in rapport their bodies reflect it - whatever they are saying, their bodies will not be matching. They are not engaged in the dance and you can see it immediately.


Successful people create rapport, and rapport creates trust. You can create rapport with whoever you wish by consciously refining the natural rapport skills that you use every day. By matching and mirroring body language and tonality you can very quickly gain rapport with almost anyone. Matching eye contact is an obvious rapport skill and usually the only one that is consciously taught in English culture, which has a strong taboo against noticing body language consciously, and responding to it.


To create rapport join the other person's dance by matching their body language sensitively and with respect. This builds a bridge between you and their model of the world. Matching is not mimicry, which is noticeable, exaggerated and indiscriminate copying of another person's movements, and is usually considered offensive. You can match arm movements by small hand movements, body movements by your head movements. This is called 'cross over mirroring.' You can match distribution of the body weight, and basic posture. When people are like each other, they like each other. Matching breathing is a very powerful way of gaining rapport. You may already have observed that when two people are in deep rapport they breathe in unison.


These are the basic elements of rapport. But do not believe me. Notice what happens when you mirror others. Then notice what happens when you stop. Notice what people do who are in rapport. Start to be conscious of what you do naturally so you can refine it and choose when to do it.


Notice especially what happens when you mismatch. Some counsellors and therapists mirror and match unconsciously, almost compulsively. Mismatching is a very useful skill. The most elegant way to end a conversation is to disengage from the dance. And you cannot disengage from the dance if you have not been dancing in the first place. The most extreme mismatch of course is to turn your back.


Voice matching is another way that you can gain rapport. You can match tonality, speed, volume and rhythm of speech. This is like joining another person's song or music, you blend in and harmonize. You can use voice matching to gain rapport in a telephone conversation. Then you can also mismatch, changing the speed and tonality of your voice to end the conversation. This is a very useful skill. To close a telephone conversation naturally is sometimes very difficult.


There are only two limits to your ability to gain rapport: the degree to which you can perceive other people's postures, gestures and speech patterns, and the skill with which you can match them in the dance of rapport. The relationship will be a harmonious dance between your integrity, what you can do and believe wholeheartedly, and how far you are willing to build a bridge to another person's model of the world.


Notice how you feel when you match; you may well feel uncomfortable matching some people. There are certainly some behaviours you will not want to match directly. You would not match a breathing pattern that was much faster than was natural for you, nor would you match an asthmatic's breathing pattern. You could mirror both with small movements of your hand. A person's fidgety movements could be subtly mirrored by swaying your body. This is sometimes called cross matching, using some analogous behaviour rather than directly matching. If you are prepared to use these skills consciously, you can create rapport with whoever you choose. You do not have to like the other person to create rapport, you are simply building a bridge to understand them better. Creating rapport is one choice, and you will not know that it is effective or what results it has unless you try it.


So rapport is the total context round the verbal message. If the meaning of the communication is the response it elicits, gaining rapport is the ability to elicit responses.


UPINSMOKE

feedback welcomed!

They should be trying to gain rapport with you! You are more important! Its the wrong mindset in trying to get people to like you. Lick my ass bitch

rohypnol... its the new rapport!

Its always a pleasure to read one of your replies man! you are very eloquent, you are definitely a cunning linguist. Also its always good to know in these uncertain times that you are completely sure of everything .

so you don't recommend performing Cunnilingus on a girl you are attracted to then?

Yes that's quiet easily misunderstood and in the context i wrote it could be misleading however, i was talking more about levels of importance, rather than bulk content of a msg vide infra

This is clear from the study that "non-verbal elements are particularly important for communicating feelings and attitude, especially when they are incongruent: If words disagree with the tone of voice and nonverbal behaviour, people tend to believe the tonality and nonverbal behaviour" (from the wiki page you gave)

I'm not accusing you of any conscious cognition, i dont think it's possible in your case, only joking it's a cheap shot so sue me lol.

Joking aside though, you may not actively perceive it, but you do it naturally, we all do. Mirroring simply means having the ability to stand in someone else's shoes, to know what it feels like to be them and to be able to communicate in a way that is meaningful for them.

It is a fundamental experience for all human beings that allows us to feel acknowledged, understood and validated. As a result we feel close to another person.

These are fundamentals which are taught in majority of counseling and psychiatric theory. These help practitioners communicate to hard to reach patients.

why don't you do a little experiment, next time you are deep in conversation with someone, look at there posture and compare it to your own. if it appears they are sharing the same posture as you then subtly change your own posture and notice that the other person will automatically mirror you so long as the change isn't too drastic or stupid (i.e. flapping you arms wildly or something).

am not saying that if you simply match and mirror ppl you will get rapport, it does have to be coupled with a genuine interest, curiosity
and attentiveness about the person whom you are communicating with. These simple techniques can greatly deepen levels of rapport when you actively notice and employ them.

Aspie-ish, very nice!! next time why not just call someone a mong or a spacca

UPINSMOKE

touche lol