Overcoming one-itis
 

Very brief bit of background - I had liked this girl in work from about April this year. I was about to ask her out, but then she had a BF (she had gotten back with a guy she had previously spent 3 years going out with).

We had a day outing with work in June, and we spent alot of the day together and got on really well. At the end of the night I told her that I really liked her, and that I was gutted to hear that she had a BF. She said that it was going ok at the mo, but if it ended she knew where I was. I was fine with this, intially.

But as time went out, I found myself getting, I suppose, infatuated with her. It didn't help that I was sure, rightly or wrongly, that she liked me. I would think about her a lot of the time, and everytime we spoke I'd analyse in my head what she said, and what she didn't say to try and find clues as to whether or not she liked me. Not good! In August, she bought a cheap house with her BF which they are doing up.

Unfortuantely, my infatuation and feelings for her continued, until last week where I came to the conclusion that this infatuation was doing me harm, so I decided I had to do something to stop feeling that way.

So, simply, I just said over and over and over to myself - "She does not like me, I do not like her". I'd repeat this in my head throughout the day and out loud if was on my own. I continued this throughout the week.

Almost a week on and my infatuation with her seems to have disappeared. I still get occasions where I think about her, but they are very brief. So it looks like it's worked, which I'm mightly pleased and relieved with. She actually gets on my nerves slightly now (similarly to before I started liking her) which isn't what I intended, but better that than the infatuation.

Any thoughts/comments? Anyone else tried that sort of technique?

Hey dude,

Similar thing happened to me when i got back from holiday. Went out round Leeds and met this stunning girl, got on so well i went back to hers the same night. We arranged to meet up again on Tuesday. All i could think about was this girl. She ticked all my boxes. Like yourself i found myself thinking about her all the time. We went out Tuesday and had a cool time but i could sense something standoffish about her. I went back to hers again and we arranged to see each other on Sunday. Anyways Sunday rolled round, she txt me wanting to postpone.

From Tuesday to Sunday i kept getting the impression she just wasnt that interested. I told her it was cool to postpone but if im honest i dont think your (she) is interested. A few hours later she replies saying how cool it was to meet me but im right and shes not interested.

I was fucking gutted man, first girl in ages whose ticked all the right boxes and shes not interested.

I understand i invested too much too early and put too much value on it but honestly i couldnt give a fuck that i broke pua rules #4 & #9 section 13 or whatever. I had my desires went after them and it didnt work out for me.

I noticed you said 'I dont like her' in your mantra if this is true then this is cool but if its not and you do like her then dont lie to yourself man, thats supression, supression isnt healthy. What worked best for me was acceptance. I accept rightly or wrongly i felt a lot for this girl quite early on, i accept she has every right to not like me, i accept that she doesnt like me. Im also very gratefull for having met her and having spent time with her. I also accept that i have my own life to live and that she isnt going to be a part of it and i must now move on.

Since then iv moved on, im back to my old ways and everythings great. Theres flashes of course where i might think about this girl and everything i woulda shoulda coulda, but i just smile to myself about it and think philosophically about it now. In fact it was one of the best life lessons iv had since getting into this whole self improvement/development stuff.

'Failure is not the worst thing in the world. The very worst is not to try.' - Unknown

Hey Phenom,

Yeah, I tried looking at it in this exact way many times. I tried accepting the situation for what it was. I tried rationalising what I was experiencing in order to move on from it. But it kept coming back. I believe a big part of the reason for this was that I was under the strong illusion that she liked me more than what she actually does. So it was the case of that I really liked her and believed that she liked me, so not being together was very frustrating and difficult to accept.

I'm bit confused as to how I really feel/felt about her. She is pretty and has a beautiful smile, and we share similar interests - and there were times when we spoke where I thought there was 'something' there between us. If I'm honest, I'd go out with her in a second. But when I see her now I don't get the same feeling as I did before.

The fact that the radical change in my feelings for her as taken less than a week to occur makes me wonder how much I actually liked her at all. The small space of time for this change to happen also makes me question my mental state?! Hahaha....... :confused:

Guys,

really interested reading this post. I have had a similar thing. Met a girl, intant connection. Nothing sexual happend but there was definately something there. However she had a bf so I left it. 6 months later i hear she has finished with him so i try it on. But she tells me she is not interested. So although gutted i leave it.

couple of months later i'm out with my workmates and so is she. All her work mates keep asking me/telling me and pointing out to me about something happening between us.

So boyed by this i try it on again and get blown out again! Not happy. Although clearly nothing is goin to happen whenever our groups are out and i spend time talking to her all her friends act like schools girls looking and talking to me about her nudge nudge wink wink etc. It really bug me cus i know nothings going to happen.

I just need to cut her out i reckon. What do you think?

Haha mate it was the same for me. It all happened within the space of about a week. I felt like everything i learnt and studied over the last year or so didnt mean shit. I felt like the worlds biggest chode. But then i just thought fuck it, its happening and its there, let it be there, it was this acceptance of being aware of how i felt and aknowledging it i felt much better about myself and could move on easier. Of course it sucks man but its life, it might even happen again but who cares.

You're right Phenom, suppression isn't good. Those buried emotions eventually find a way out (courtesey of alcohol), and when they do - BOOM! And you're completely right about needing to achieve acceptance. This will have to be my new matnra -

"I must accept the situation"
"I must accept the situation"
"I must accept the situation".................lol

i wouldnt say accept it, that just means having to think about it. Just move past it, stop thinkin about how it happened, or the consiquences of it.... its not causeing u any REAL issues physically or in the real world, just in ur head...

and thats only coz u think about it, so just focus ur self on whatever ur doin without thought of yesterday or today, or a 30 seconds ago, or 30 seconds from now, and if your thoughts process stops so does the emotion that comes with it... my view of what eckart tolle calls SPIRITUALISM

Of course cos its always as simple as that :rolleyes:

actually, it is... listen or read eckart tolle the power of now. little bit strange but its should help out

Haha mate iv read that book cover to cover numerous times, iv even got the 'i love Eckhart Tolle' t-shirt circa 09'.

I dont think its nessecerily wrong what your saying. But to just 'forget' something thats had such an emotional impact on someone is a fairly fuckin tall order. Maybe its easy for Eckhart Tolle being the 'spiriitual master' he is to forget his problems and live in the 'now' but for mere mortals like us its not easily done. By 'forgetting' you are essentially supressing and as Maestro has said in his last post supression hasnt helped him one iota.

I dont understand why you think accepting the situation is wrong. So what if he has to think on it, in fact he fuckin well should think about it, let it hurt, but at least he knows it wont hurt forever. By accepting it he can eventually wake up one day and say 'ok that bad feelings gone, time to get my shit together' and on he goes with his life. By forgetting he is essentially being a coward and not facing up to his problems like a man should.

perhaps ur right, but thinkin about shit doesnt help at all, its better forgotten in my opinon... my view on tolle isnt the greatest either, liked him at first but he is just makin common knowledge of thought & emotional process sound spiritual... hes a cunt, same as everyone who claims to be somethin, preys on the weak to make money.. but hey I DO IT TOO SO GOOD ON HIM.

and FACING UP TO YOUR PROBLEMS, ur twisting meanings there, that is a view on confrontation in a REAL WORLD RESPECT ... confronting problems in your own head ur merly fightin with urself...

spend 2 - 3 days in bed thinkin about it... get all ya thinkin out the way

then move on.. my advice

and why's this? You still havent explained why thinking about stuff doesnt help. I think it absolutley does, so long as he thinks on in positively and doesnt have some 'woe is me' attittude he'l be fine, he'l grow from it.

How is this twisting meanings? How is he fighting with himself is he's accepting. He's fighting with himself by 'forgetting'.

Now you've completley contradicted yourself here. All that talk of forgetting and now your saying spend 2-3 days thinking, are coming or going dude?

If you find yourself thinking about someone excessively just consider this.

Are they relevent to what your doing right now?

If not focus on what your doing and do it well.

Where memory dwells, Love takes throne.

ok phenom... i lik ehow ur tryin to play barrister.... so

THINKING ABOUT STUFF: envokes emotional response, in this case is negative... negative feelings are addictive, this fuels the thought process which in turn fuels the emotional response, this negative cirlce is a spiral and continual thought becomes depression. Old psychology tactics where about FACING the problem. now days since the introduction of NLP it is thought better to DELETE the problem, make it dissapear... the only reason he HURTS is coz he is thinking about it.

FACING YOUR PROBLEMS : This is not a REAL problem.. when people say face your problems it usually means a real life issue things that wont go away. This is not one of them, its in the mind. If he is sitting thinking of WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE BETTER... I WISH I WISH IF ONLY he is fighting with himself... if he forgets then NO FIGHT, its no longer an issue... ITS FORGOTTEN... which is when he realises how inconsiquention the issue is he will say.. OH THATS FORGOTTEN... then wonder why he didnt just forget about it.

FINALY, SPEND 3 DAYS IN BED.... if he wants to think about it so bad... let him! sit in bed untill he's done!! ... we all been there... its all gonna come to the same ending...

IT WILL BE FORGOTTEN

There is no thinker other than the thought

echkart darood

I think I should elaborate on my last post.

I went to a wedding party on Friday night. The girl I fancy was there with her BF (which I knew would be the case). I tried to avoid her, but she beckoned me outside for a cigarette (even tho I don't smoke).

A few of us were talking outside, her BF nearby. And there was a 10 min period where she didn't shut up about him (not saying how great he is, just stuff about his family, who he knows etc). Strangely (or not), this was the first time she'd ever really spoken about him infront of me (but she has a tendency to talk a lot after a few drinks). Which is fine, of course she's entitled to speak about her BF. But it made incredibly jealous and frustrated to the point of anger. Pathetic I know.

But I'm gald for it because it has forced me to finally take a different attitude, one of acceptance. Acceptance of the fact that I fancy her and like her, but that she has a BF that she must love, who've bought a house together and could be together for a very long time. But also acceptance of the fact that that's life, and more importantly that there are thousands of other women out there available who are probably better than her. This seems pretty obvious, but identifying with this viewpoint and placing total emphasis on it has been a massive struggle. But the natural inclination to want her badly despite the circumstances was unavoidable. If someone could tell me why that is, I'd be interested to hear.

Tremendous.

Thanks for the posts guys.

This is very good Maestro, it seems you have learnt a lot from this experience and i think this outlook on the situation is awesome. Good luck with everything in the future dude :)

Lets imagine your a caveman... u see a female u want to mate with, in the middle of this another caveman steals her... u accept the loss and look for another female to rape... your veiw is INSTINCTIVE to mate with whatever you can... this is animal..

now as humans we have grown PERSONALITIES, consisting of control issues, ego, fear of loss... and a multitude of new issues with media & sex

u want her so bad as by not getting her is loss of control on your part tied in with the idea that if you got her you would then be the best.

sometimes its not about who is the better person u or him, but circumstance.

so there is no detriment on your self. imagine you had got her, then let her go... you would not feel bad.... its only because it was out of your control!! we as males are predominantly control freaks... if you can learn to accept some things are just out of your control then it helps a massive deal...

GO TO GOOGLE, LOOK AT A PIC OF THE EARTH FROM SPACE... MAKES U REALISE HOW INSIGNIFICANT UR PROBLEMS REALLY ARE

wow i should write a book :).. thats probly already written ha

yeah, pretty much the same thing happend to me. Everything happend when i began learning about PUA and it all happend during a course of maybe 5-6 months actually which is a bit longer than yours. This must have been the most painful Love/Female experince i have ever had but i have never grown this much as a person . Now that this is all over, i noticed all the benefits it had gotten me. A whole lot of confidence, less fear about things in general because i think my mind subcounsciously thinks "hell, if i surivived THAT which at the time seemed like it was gonna be the end of the world , i will definetly survive THIS if it turns out bad". The only diffrence is that u guys accepted her NO and went on. I never really got a NO but it seemed like she liked me so i did an all out romantic bullshit thing in the middle of the night, asking her to meet me like in the movies and ofcourse got rejected. Broke alot of PUA rules too but i didnt care because not knowing how she felt drove me crazy and i was sick of constantly trying to figure out how she was feeling about my by over analyzing everything. In the end im wiser, stronger and more confident so i see her as a sacrifice that had to be made to gain these new qualities which in the future might get me 10 more girls like her and alot of other things.

Sure it might feel good to get rid of the problems but dealing with negative emotions will in the end make you stronger as long they arent too much. Just like hitting the gym. When you work out you break down your muscle to force them to grow stronger but if you over do it you will lose muscles. There was an eastern philosophy saying "fear, anxiouseness and uncertainity are our compasses towards growth"

it is hard, I know , i knew a certain chick who exceled at fucking me up, she will wait for weeks and weeks on end then send me a really wierd text just to cause drama and emotion.

I then go out sarging, forget about her then, pow 6 weeks later a mad crazy txt would come in, she would also always txt just before I was about to go out for a sarge with the boys.... grrrr...

so the only advice I could give would be go out sarging

This is how I look at this kind of situation

In your head you build these various women up to be your perfect partner, and in many cases the fact that they're unavailable makes them even more desirable. We all want what we can't have afterall.

So, we try to move on but can't because we've spent so much time thinking about this girl that if we try to go cold turkey we can't because so many of our thoughts involve that person.

What i've come to discover is that the only way to get past these girls is to fill that space with something (or someone) else.

I'm sure plenty of you have been in relationships that have ended and you kept thinking about your ex, until you met someone else, then all of a sudden they slip out of your mind.

I guess what i'm getting at is that in my opinion the best way to get over these unavailable girls is to get out there and meet some available ones. Chances are there's someone out there who ticks just as many boxes but who isn't taken

I've got nine-itus.