Hi there,

I dunno if this is the right place to post this but if anyone could please proffer some sage-like advice it would be much appreciated.

I used to smoked a lot of weed (pretty much stoned every day for 2 years) I am still smoking off and on, but not as much as I used to. My social life is a lot more active than it used to be (I used to live quite a hermetic life), but I have problems meeting women. In fact I've not had even kissed a girl in the past two years

I've been told that i'm quite good looking, and i am a competent conversationalist but when it comes to approaching women in a club I just imagine the scenario in my head and it make me cringe. Just thinking about approaching a girl I like makes me feel really nervous and I get this anxious feeling in my stomach if you know what I mean. I think i have really low self-esteem to be honest.

My friend has no problem approaching women at all, but i think he takes it too far (random groping and sleazy talk) I could never do that - in fact i'm quite bitter over his ability to approach random women with ease. I'm new to the whole PUA thing - any advice would be welcome as I'm looking to go out on monday night.

The reason i posted this is because last night I saw the girl of my dreams last night in a club, she was my type and I'm convinced she looked at me twice, but I couldn't build up the courage to approach her (she was dancing with a female friend) - I'm still regretting my inaction !!

Byrds - even if you don't take Jack literally - take on board the message he is putting across - if it is easier, start by asking random people (male and females in the street) for directions, or for a light or for the time...start small and build up - it will take time but it is achievable...however much you think it isn't - a lot of guys here started off feeling exactly the same!!

Hey The byrds,

My advice would be to immediately start approaching as many people as possible. Start doing it during the day. If you are out shopping or wherever, ask the checkout women 'How's your day going?'. Start off with small talk, be calm and composed about it. The more you approach and open, the better you get at and it's quite amazing how quickly you can build your confidence.

If you are on a night out, open mixed sets as well as female sets. Try approaching outside the bars/clubs or in the smoking area. Because the problem with verbal approach in clubs is that it's normally too loud to have a good conversation. Use direct/situational or opinion openers. So e.g.

"I have to say that I think you're extremely cute, and I'd be kicking myself if I didn't come to talk to you - Hi my name is The Byrds" (direct).

"I can't believe how quiet it is here tonight, think I might need a few Jager bombs to get me going!" (situational)

"Hi, can you suggest the best club that plays rock music?" (opinion)

Obviously you can amend these or make new ones that are more relevant to the situation. You can think of a genuine opinion opener that you really want to know the answer to before you go out, and then use it when you're out.

You're probably not going to be great at opening to begin with because you're not used to doing it. But like I mentioned before, you are guarenteed to get better at it the more you do it, and after a while the negative recations that you will get from time to time (like everyone gets) won't bother you at all.

If you've got low self-esteem, then you need to look at the reasons why that is and address them immediately. You must have good qualities, so take confidence from those and take confidence and pride in the fact that you are taking action to address an area of weakness in your life. That takes balls and not everyone has the courage to do it, so bravo!

Hope this helps.

Maestro.

The best little nugget I can offer you, carrying on from Jack's first point, is to imagine everybody in the place wants to talk to you. You know that feeling when you're drunk or having taken something stimulatory that you shouldn't? Engage that and talk to people, especially guys.

[To a guy] "Dude this song is amazing - it came on the other day in XYZ Club"
[To a girl] "You dance like you're on something - that's awesome"

Open with whatever you feel like - don't hold back, just say it and people will be drawn to your awesomeness. Remember, you're the coolest person in the room - of course people want to talk to you.

Also to carry on from Maestro, if you feel up to it, then go tell a girl how cute she is. Admittedly this takes a lot of confidence and might not be something you'd try right away, but the point of it is you can say whatever you like. As long as you're comfortable in being you and not apologising for what you want or who you are, people will respect you and be drawn to you.

A good starting point. This is probably the point at which I realised everyday strangers DO want to have a conversation with me, and normal conversation at that. From here you can build towards approaching complete strangers on the street.

Some solid points there. Face up to your weaknesses and celebrate your strengths. Write them down and assess what you want to do about it.

hey man, listen to everything these guys say, try that stuff out and post how you got on, bad points, good points, anything and im sure everyone will do their best to point you in the right direction. all you gotta do is approach.
After all its called the game because it is just a game, u win some u loose some, the aim is to get better. like you i always get AA, but after the first few approaches, that shit starts to disapear and have less and less effect.

Yea man, I'd really like to hear how you get on with this - so keep us updated!

I used to smoke a fair amount and it really hinders your ability to meet girls. It can make you paranoid, more 'in your own head' and not socially freed up enough to talk to new people. I would suggest stop that altogether and see how you go.

I'd agree with that - like alcohol, it will slow your reactions and hinder your progress at your early learning-stage