The Situation:
I'm just over 30 and this is the first relationship I've been in (combination of a repressed youth and playing the field for a few years after learning pickup!). I've been in a relationship with this girl for almost a year now, and I'm starting to have second thoughts.

About the Relationship:
Basically, the relationship is really good, in many ways I couldn't ask for better. This girl is really into me, very devoted, trustworthy, reliable, not into drama, we hardly ever fight - basically ideal girlfriend material. I feel a bit insecure and mistrustful about girls in general and she even ticks all the boxes in that respect - she brings me into all aspects of her life, I know all her friends, people she works with, she doesn't have any male orbiters or anything like that. She works evenings near where I live, and comes round every night after work. She invites me out on nights out with her friends. She's very happy to spend a lot of time with me overall. Looking at some of the fucked up stuff in other people's relationships, this stuff is golden.

The Problems:
Basically I'm worried I'm losing interest in her.

This girl is quite pretty (HB7) but a teensy bit chubby. In the early days, she gave me the impression that she was in the process of losing weight, showing me old photos where she was heavier, and saying things like her parents keep saying she's fading away - that made me feel confident she was heading in the right direction. Since then, I feel she's been getting worse with her eating habits, and is in slightly worse shape than when I met her. I'm a health and fitness freak, and some of it does rub off on her - she says the right things, and she does make an effort with her eating, but I'm not convinced she has the discipline to get to where I want her to be. Thinking about the future, slightly chubby older women just don't do it for me at all, but skinny ones are alright - I really worry about losing interest in her completely in the future.

Also, up until now, I've always lived for being single and playing the field. I had a sexually repressed upbringing and was a late starter, and was just getting into pickup when I met her. I was starting to enjoy myself and get better, but I feel I have a lot more to learn and improve, and a lot more singleness to enjoy. Part of me wants to keep improving my skills, experience new things, fuck hotter girls, and maybe find a better girl for a relationship later on. People compliment me on my looks and and I get checked out by hotter girls sometimes and it makes me feel I'm wasting my time/youth/looks. I was able to bury those thoughts in the early excitement of the relationship, but now it's really starting to get to me. I feel with my age I'm starting to run out of time to enjoy the single life to the maximum. I look at other girls and want to fuck them. Sometimes I feel like I want to fuck any half decent girl just for something different. The girl I'm with isn't *really* my physical type and since I've got into pickup, I've actually slept with relatively few girls who I'm really attracted to (ie. skinny girls). The thought of potentially *never again* fucking these types of girls (if the relationship lasts) scares me tbh. The thought of breaking up with my girlfriend and being single again excites me, tho it also scares me a bit.

Also, she wants kids sometime in the future and I'm not sure if I do - it's never really appealed to me.

But I don't know if I want to break up with her. Things are going so well. In many respects, as I described earlier, she's a great catch. She's so into me it's unreal - she says she thinks I'm the one. She says she's the happiest she's ever been because she's with me. I've met her family and she's always posting stuff about me on facebook, like photos and things we've been doing (with lots of hearts, etc.). I know if I broke up with her she would be seriously, seriously, heartbroken. I also hate to go back on my word. I feel guilty when she says she loves me and I say it back, because I have these doubts. I also feel I might miss the affection of a relationship if I become single again.

Conclusion:
Basically I don't know what to do. Can I really go on in a relationship when I'm constantly doubting/thinking about if I should be in it? Surely that's not going to change? How can I take it further (marriage, etc.) with those doubts? Am I going to regret missing out on the fun single times I could have had? Am I going to regret missing out on a great girl somewhere who ticks *all* the boxes instead of *almost* all the boxes? But could I regret ending a great relationship, which has so much right in it, and perhaps not find anything better in the future when I am ready for it? And I definitely would end up hurting her badly. Maybe there's a way to get rid of these doubts and go on in the relationship?

I know a lot of the points I've made above are a topic in their own right.

I really really need help on this - I don't know what to do. I don't expect you to tell me what to do - it's up to me to decide. But even if you have some thoughts / words of wisdom on some or all of my points, it will help me think better and make the best decision.

If you've made it all the way thru this, thank you so much! And I'd really love to hear from you, no matter how little you may have to say!

I can relate to a lot of what you said. I met a girl in January who I was with (not exclusively) until April. She had a teeny bit of puppy fat too, but she was short so it really wasn't that much. Plus I actually dig that on some girls, it can be sexy.

She was a great girl as well, took me out to dinners, left me to & from training, was loyal, great BJ, & wanted nothing more than to be my GF. I'm 29 she's 22.

I did what I felt was the best thing & finished it, for her benefit. She got a little hurt I believe, but I know I done the right thing because if it had been a year into it she would have been hurt 10 times as much, which seems to be where you & your girl are now.

As great a girl as she was (and I did miss her a lot) she phsysically wasn't the type of girl that I would become exclusive with. She was perfect in every other way, & she was attractive, but not the barbie doll standout drop dead super gorgeous girl I want. Call it shallow, but I made this decision/promise to myself after being severely burned by a girl a couple of years ago, & I'm never settling for less than that.

Difficult situation, I can completely relate to this.

I was in something very similar for the past 2 years.. She was in to me, worshiped the ground I walked on, I trusted her 100%. Would do any errunds that I needed to do, very loving and very gentle girl.... But she put on a bit of weight towards the end of the relationship. She went from a size 8 dress when I met her to a 12/14. (There was other things as well, a complete lack of common sense, and no ambition to do anything in life etc)

I sound and feel really shallow posting this because I know that size 12/14 is not actually that big. Bigs girls just isn't my gig.

I spoke about this at length with a close friend of mine. He asked me the following 3 questions.

* Is the sex good? No, maybe I'm a sex pest but sex once every 1 - 2 weeks is not enough. She just didn't have a sex drive
* Would you marry her? No, due to her weight I didn't find her as attractive anymore
* Can you see her being the mother of your children? No (had a load of other reasons that I cba to explain

I answered no to all of them. I know its simple but it really brings it back to reality. Its very easy to get caught up in all the other aspects of life and the relationship which can hinder your decision making, so I found (for me anyway) that it really hits home and takes it back to the bare basics of what you want.

Those are 3 questions which are/were important for me, maybe you have your own questions that are more relevant to you? Maybe have a think, and note down some very brief, straight to the point questions you can ask yourself? Make sure they are important questions so that if you were say "No" to any of them, then its not worth carrying on. Why settle for anything other then the best? You are in control of your happiness.

This isn't a fancy tested psychology method, its quite simply something that helped me to make a tough decision around a month ago, which I do not regret in the slightest. And its just something I wanted to share with you.

If it helps, then great let me know how you get on. If not, then hopefully its maybe given you some food for thought.

Good luck mate I hope what ever you choose brings you happiness,


Lewis

For me, it's obvious you should leave her.

Don't you value your life enough to go for a girl that ticks *all* the boxes?

There are some blokes who lack confidence with women and hate being single who I can understand settling for second-best. But you don't sound like one of those guys...

It will be painful for both parties at first but will be the best decision for you in the long run.

Mate, i stopped reading when you wrote 'you thought she a tiny bit chubby'.

Well, it is over, in truth. But if you want to compromise, well then that is up to you. But there are loads of women out there who are just the weight you like. Go for them. It is soooo important that you enjoy the sex which you like. If a woman puts on weight then she has broken the deal. Sure they don't want us to think in this way, so they can keep hitting the calories. If they want to over-eat then it is their problem and they should be grown up enough to accept that they have been stupid to get fat, and weak to not get thin. Don't waste your life if what you like is thin and hot.

It's pretty clear that you want to end it, but can't because you are in the comfort zone. The longer you leave it the worse it will be, so do the right thing for both of you and end it now.

This is a tough one, but you will only know how you feel once you finish. If you where to break up with her, you would probably miss the company for a month or more. But after that if you're having fun with girls more your type, and she's not in a relationship with someone who's not attracted to her. Then you're both going to be better for it.

And if you realise you DO really want her once you're finished. You could always go through the gruelling process of trying to get her back. Not the easiest thing but at least you'd know. And if you couldn't get back together, at least you know what it is you want out of a relationship then.

Hey, thanks for taking the time to reply guys - I've been reading and thinking over your posts but haven't had the time to reply. Sorry for not getting back to this earlier - been a crazy busy last few weeks!


Good point Gr82, about a girl who ticks *all* the boxes. The thing that's bothering me is, is it possible to get a girl who ticks *all* the boxes?

It seems to me that a lot of hotter girls are more volatile and you have to constantly game them, etc. to keep them interested/behaving, etc. and I don't want that. They also often have guys chasing them and again I'm not comfortable with that.

Having said that, there are plenty of guys I work with, who are very like me (they're not zillionaires or male models or rockstars), have girlfriends who are plenty attractive for me and they don't seem to have the problems I just described so maybe I'm being over-fearful of this. Plus if I couldn't find a girl who ticked all the boxes and I stayed single for many more years I think I could live with that.


Also SmilyK, a good point about the comfort zone - I feel myself falling further into that.

When I go out and see girls I think "I want that"... but when I see other guys (competition) and I think about the many failed nights and lows of the past (which inevitably happen), and I think about all the efforts I have to go to as a single person to maintain a steady supply of sex, a part of me is quite happy and content in a relationship.

But when girls from the past message me, or a girl shows interest in me, I feel like I just want to be single and have different girls. I'm tempted to cheat, but I'd like to think I wouldn't do that.


Also lewis27 you made a good point about asking yourself questions about things you absolutely need from a woman - I will definitely come up with questions of my own and think seriously about them.


I also feel like in the future if I work at improving at pickup, statistically I will meet many more quality girls and perhaps find that girl who ticks all the boxes. I've only been at pickup for a couple of years before I got into a relationship, and there could be many more years in the future. Also, I was gaming with a view to one night stands and fuck buddies and I feel I lost a lot of quality girls because of that.


Hopefully that makes sense, and if you read this and think of more things to say, please do! As unfortunately I'm very confused at the moment

i've been in the exact same situation.

Can you just talk to her about it? At the risk of making yourself sound like a shallow guy I think its best to be open with this sort of thing

Ultimately me and my ex of over 6 years split up because we ran out of passion/sexual attraction, and a lot of that was to do with weight for me. The sad truth is if someone is really struggling with their weight now there's a chance they always will.

For me, while im very aware of my own physical imperfections, i keep myself in good shape and i just can't tolerate overweight girls with fat bums - there's nothing i can do to overcome that so it sounds to me like you should either have a serious talk about it or move on.

It work both ways too, if there's a physical issue that a girl has with me and she just cant get over it, its best to move on