Got to Oxford about 10.30pm, really tired after a hard week and not completely in the sarging mood but felt I should keep my hand in!

Bought my 10-pack of smokes (I never smoke except when sarging solo) and warmed up the vocal chords with a bit of banter with the newsagent who put my tenner through as £100 and the till said I was due £96 change.

Went to O'Neills there where they usually have pretty good live bands on a Saturday. Last night was no exception, and the small dance floor was very crowded. Got a drink and went over to appreciate the music. Lone MILF nearby playing with her phone, who I should have opened for a warm up but didn't. Clocked HB7 nearby with a bunch of female friends. Clocked her wedding ring.

Soon moved in to the crowded dance floor and very obligingly some guy put his arm round my shoulders for balance as we both jumped up and down to the music. A handy potential wing for later.

Ejected for a smoke out the front. Made sure I opened my new packet out of public view then approached a cute American HB9 for a light. She too was smoking alone. She was giggly, gorgeous and loads of eye contact. She had the hiccups, we talked about possible remedies (hers is peanut butter... I explained to her that peanuts are fine and butter is fine but peanut butter is disgusting and the work of the devil... we bemoaned the fact there is never a peanut butter shop in town when you need one). I told her my remedy which is to swallow 6 times and two for luck, without hiccuping in between... she tried and kept getting up to three then hiccuping again. Eventually she told me she didn't have enough spit left to keep swallowing so she would have to give up. Totally missed the cue to snog her face off right there and then!! She finished her smoke & went back inside, see you later.

Back inside, one of the married HB7's group was giving me the eye, HB7 shoved her in my direction, she bumped in to me and apologised, for some reason she then told me she was old although she was only about 27 (I'm 29). Told her she didn't look old but missed the cue to say how about me, I used to pick up God from school etc etc. A passer-by dropped a glass bottle next to their set, I took the opportunity to bring the 27yo back in to the set and complained to HB7 that they should be keeping the place more tidy.

Ejected to the gents, returned for another drink and back to the dance floor and my new-found wingman. Hiccup girl was there dancing & we bumped hips several times. HB7 set was preparing to leave so I ejected outside via the other door so I'd be out when they got there. Took the opportunity to comment again on her friend's age, HB7 turned out to be pleasant but have very limited sense of humour so I left them to get in a taxi and go wherever.

Headed down the road and towards the clubs, a loud eastern european set (3 guys 1 girl) rocked up and tried to absorb me in to their group as they opened a three-set of stroppy-looking 16 year olds... I decided underage wasn't for me so I bailed and left them to it. Should have left the 3 guys to it and opened their group's girl a bit while they were busy but again didn't think of that until it was too late.

Followed two HB9s in to a club and clocked one of them with a guy who looked like a boyfriend. Should have opened them straight away but he looked like a big and scary bugger so I opted instead to circulate round the place and see what other talent lay within: disappointingly little and the dancefloor was packed with guys.

Finished my drink and ejected to the smoking area, nobody there so checked phone instead and decided to go back up again. Then the real chumpishness began: promptly got massive cramp in my leg as I was going up the stairs and collapsed in a heap in agony. Bouncer came to my aid and helped me slowly down to the smoking area where I just leant against the wall for ages. Was opened by a seriously grim-looking student (HB1 if she was lucky) who seemed to be taking advantage of the fact that I was unable to run away screaming. Took the opportunity to practice the great art of conversation which was pleasant but nothing more.

Made it back up the stairs and circulated a few more times, nothing there I fancied at all except HB9s and their bloke, because I hadn't opened them straight away the 3-second rule was broken and AA set in. Nothing else worth seeing in there so drank up and back to smoking area on the street. Got a light and a random discussion about shoes from some HB8s who were getting ready to get in a taxi.

Decided that by not opening the HB9s I had blown it (not true, they hadn't actually noticed me at all so I was still new to them) and there was nothing else that took my fancy. Time to throw in the towel and go home. In any case I was completely knackered, very cold, and still in a fair bit of pain from the crampy leg.

Started heading down the street towards my car (yes, I'd been sober all night too) and - lo - the HB9s + guy had some how got out ahead of me. They were walking my way so I caught them up and had a light off the one that was unaccompanied, she told me not to steal her lighter and I said there was no chance of that as it was pink... she said she'd had a good night despite epic queuing at the bar, we mocked her friend's hurting feet, we mocked those of us with cramped muscles.

The 4 of us sat on a wall for ages and discussed who'd had the most sex and how recently, my girl said it had been ages and her vibrator was overworked. My pain-and-tiredness-addled brain just couldn't think of anything witty to say at all so I let the other guy (really top bloke) do the talking, he said he was sure I'd be able to take care of her womanly needs and I said I'd gladly oblige. Then, out of the blue, my girl gets a text from some other guy who is heading down the road to meet her... she gets all excited that he is coming and she instantly forgets all about me! The fucker! No previous indication that they were planning to meet anyone else.

My tongue-in-cheek suggestion of a quick snog before he turns up fall on totally deaf ears and when the guy arrives I say my goodbyes and skulk off back to the car, back home and to bed...


Kind of feel like I was several laps ahead in the formula 1 world championship, then somehow got a puncture just before the finish line. This seems to happen to me quite a lot, anyone else?


Morals of the story:
- get some sleep the night before to avoid missing cues by being slow-witted
- open everyone straight away and don't piss about
- don't drink so much red bull that your muscles go in to cramp and you end up lying on the stairs looking like a berk

Hey, yeah I've had that happen before with the texting thing. Pretty much the exact same thing as you, although we weren't talking directly about sex.

Sounds like a night of "should haves", I have these sometimes, I avoid having them by:
getting plenty of sleep
spending the day actively doing things I want to
having a strong frame
acting on that frame

Nice report.

Oxford is Sarge City dude

I been so fucking busy last 2 weeks need to get out there again!

Going to take the oxford crew out soon pm me if you're Oxford based!

don't drink so much red bull that your muscles go in to cramp and you end up lying on the stairs looking like a berk
\
roflmao --

good story though dude