Haven't slept in 2 days... well I lie, I've slept about 4hrs in 2 days. Insomnia wooo!


First thing I remember as I decide to go out today is "what should I wear" .... then immediately a little echo-ey voice from the depths of my head "what does it matter" ... didn't take it on board first but it was niggling at me for a while.

Got up, showered, blahh blahh and was still feeling somewhat lack luster. My recent long term and long distance relationship ex was sooo much in the front of my mind I literally couldn't shake it off. I had a job lined up in Canada, all sorted just waiting for her to find an apartment so we could live together, like a whole chapter of my life and the future chapters have had sick twisted alterations that makes the once was possible, impossible.


Got to the warddrobe and put on my suit... yes ladies and gentlemen, my suit. In some weird way I like a suit, makes me feel good... better and right now it made me feel some what more confident that the shitty feelings.



I actually have no clue if I felt confident but certainly a bag of mixed emotions going on... only plus side right then was I'm outside and am I fuck showing my mixed emotions to people.


Why am I outside? Well... good question. To be social. Waittt, not to pick up? Exactly. Right now I don't want the hassle of a girl neither do I think I'm in the right frame of mind as of yet to effectively establish a great, fun connection.

They're my thoughts as I'm walking around.


*PING PING* I get a message from my ex... I ignore it - I'm not having fun but I'm outside and don't really want to be a part of hassle.




I actually don't have a clue what I said to talk to this person but a conversation was struck. Pretty meaningless, just random chatter but for now just getting back my actual self instead of some... something, is very much more important than the quality of the conversations.




Saw this girl checking me out in the stealth kind of 'look..look away..look..look away' thing girls do, weirdly reminded me of an old cartoon grandfather clock where the doors open and and close.

Walk up to her with a bit more about myself than the first conversation.. hell I was actually in line to remember how we started talking!


"Hey I accidentally left my phone on the bus, do you have the time?" - wtf why did I say that... hmmm or well roll with it.... hope my phones on silent in my pocket

"Yeah it's _____ . Sucks you left your phone on the bus, did you report it?

The conversation went on for a while and I blagged about going through the whole procedure of reporting it and what not. Suppose that's not to bad Improv! (I know I'm been kind to myself)





Going out wasn't too shabby, kept me somewhat busy. I look at my phone, the ex has messaged again... I look at the messages - damn.. shouldn't have done that - . I'm not sure how I could be so committed to someone that hated me so deeply and couldn't give a fuck about me or the relationship whilst lying to me. Fuck, why didn't I see it all happening.

It's pretty shitty but it does show I invested too much of myself into the relationship and subsequently I got fed to the sharks.

• Writing this helped. A lot.
• I got off my arse and outside being proactive
• Whilst I was writing this my old ways of carrying the girl off with me over the road or to the cafe, started to come forward out the depths of my mind