To be clear, I do understand what you are saying.

If I might sweep away the complexity for a second, what you are really asking for here is for leverage. A little push from us, or maybe a big push, to enable you to break through the emotions that are holding you back.

Unfortunately, leverage is something you have to find for yourself. A lot of guys find it after a breakup as they get sick of letting life kick them around. I found it because I had so many problems that life became so painful that I literally had to change course.

It's a personal thing. Nobody here can make you do anything. Clearly you want to do it because you are here in the first place, so think about your long term future and the consequences of the 2 paths you could take, and go from there.