Star date - 231113 - Captains Log...still not flushed away.


Apologies for this extremely long ramble but I've not even mentioned half of what happened. I learned some things today and I always get excited when I feel as if I've learned something new and important about myself and how things work.

Went to bed very early Friday night as I was too knackered after work to go out (four hours sleep on Thursday night and got home from abroad after 9pm Friday so long day).

The plus side was I woke up with no hangover (first time on a Saturday for about 8 weeks!) and buzzing with energy. Did a deep clean of the Lounge, cleaned the windows, went to gym and numerous other boring stuff. I've detracted from cleaning my house and exercising at the weekends to attend to (or recover from) social activities but it was getting to the point of wiping my feet on the mat when I was leaving the house. Action needed to be taken.

I had been listening to RSD Foundations superconference on the player all week (I woke up with the earphones in my ears and Tyler blasting about going out and doing approaches. he was saying: "listen guys...show up, do your approaches, take your lumps") so felt quite pumped on the approaching thing. I felt quite emotional about it..he is so passionate in his delivery. And I re-confirmed the PUA commitment I made to myself after being inspired by David D all those months ago.

But then literally a few hours later I shit out of a golden opportunity to open hot girl in the gym. She walked up to within 3 feet of me...but there was an invisible force field (in my head) between us. I tensed. I didn't even manage to say Hi. Now this really fucking pissed me off.

I headed into London in the afternoon and got a haircut at my favourite place. There's a hot Polish girl, Kaza, who washes (it's more like a head massage) and cuts my hair and she talks. She's engaged. Weird making eye contact with a girl in the mirror when you can see her face looking at yours and yours looking back at hers, hmmm. I went for a walk around the streets. None of the guys were going out. Central London was mobbed, Christmas frenzy started already. But the tube was fucked and it's a pain so was glad to be getting out of it tbh.

There were so many hot chicks about in the City I was going out of my mind with hornyness (partly due to my self-imposed porn ban) but didn't approach any of them. That made me feel like shit.

I need to start to address these excuses for not approaching outside a pub/club. There are literally thousands of really hot chicks just walking around on their own in the City. Why shouldn't they be approached by cool guys like us PUAs (that's the way we should be thinking).

I went for a Chinese meal. I was the only person in the restaurant cause it was so early and so had three cute waitresses all hanging around watching me eating cause they had nothing else to do. After that I ended up impulse buying a pair of far too expensive shoes in a shop near Leicester square, but I needed shoes, and they were cool, so what the hey. Who cares about paying gas bills when you need decent shoes for wearing out. But I know you don't actually 'need' them. It's just nice to have them. It wasn't validation. Honest.

After getting home I go out to my local and end up watching the boxing match that's on the TV in the pub with my mates, some eye contact from girls who were with their dates. All I'm thinking about is doing my approaches (10 minimum) but I'm enjoying time with my mates as well and just shooting the shit. At the next bar the first girl I speak to, who is a really attractive blonde, is totally into me. I felt like it was totally on, no try hard and the convo flowed. Actually, looking back she was a bit try hard. You'll see why below. I thought this will be the easiest number I'll ever get because we were hitting it off.

After talking to her most of what was left of the night ( I should have noticed there were no girlfriend blockers) she shows me her engagement ring! just after she introduces me to her fiancé! She can see my face drop and she apologises "I thought you saw it" she says flashing the glistening diamonds at me. But she only showed me it after her guy appeared beside her. I felt sick to my stomach to be honest. Mr Chump.

There were quite a few other girls in that bar who were up for talking I reckon but because this one seemed so on I didn't even try anywhere else. But one thing I did do is I tried a bit more teasing on her and got a good reaction. Though there was no chance, as it turns out, of any outcome. Need to be aware of chasing lost causes.

After that I walked straight outside the bar and start chatting up three girls who are waiting for a cab. Good reactions from them. The one I singled out had a skirt on and I said "aren't your legs cold?" she said "oh I don't care about it I just want to get to bed now". I said "so do I, was that an offer?". Her, mates were all like "oooh" and she got a bit shy but liked that haha. You see what I missed out on cause of the other one. But maybe cause I was angry I was more aggressive than usual. Why don't I be like that more often...be direct!

Thoughts:

This is the kind of thing that is just making me commit harder on my journey and grow a second layer of skin. It pissed me off for a while but I believe it's necessary and is pushing me further along the road and quicker than if I tried to overthink situations and avoid the shit feelings that happen most of the time through lack of experience. I'm starting to get used to the shit that happens and getting over it quicker. But I don't want too many repeats of the same mistakes. I want to drum it into my head for next time.

I know what's going down. A guy has committed to her and she's thinking "am I ready to commit yet? there are other guys out there". I'm sure guys who are engaged think similar things. Maybe I'm starting to see these things a bit more clearly now.

So I am progressing. The more I go out and try the better I'll get. You've just got to roll with it.

Maybe I'll soon be ready for the clubs.