Ha - thanks buddy. And noted about the pizza. If you're interested, here's how that date went.

The Date

About a week prior, in a horny scramble, I'd done a carpet bomb copy/paste using Plenty-of-Fish Online. I could have just monged this girl off, but she looked legitimately hot from the JPG's, and, as I said before, I hate letting people down. Well, after I got back to my place, I drunkenly decided I totally had enough time for a nap beforehand. So I jerkoff, then sleep for 3 hours. Wakeup, fuck sake, I'm late!

So, picture this. I stink of booze. I'm beyond hungover. I'm wearing the same clothes as the night before. But it's cool. Splash some water with my face, chewing gum, deodorant - it's go time!

I've told her we'll just go walk my dog, down by the river. I had initially said woods, but it seemed creepy if I turned out to be a serial killer, so promptly swapped it to the more foot traffic location, the riverside. Plus a dog is pretty much the ultimate go-to cutesy prop.

We agree beforehand, don't get glammed up. Most girls still ignore this, but thankfully, Michelle turns up in a hoody which puts me at ease. It somehow reminds me of when the girlfriend asks you NOT to get her a present for her birthday. It's a rhetorical trap of a question, deep down, they want one.

She looks a bit like a grown-up Olson twin. Blonde hair, blue eyes, fantastic tits. She's got a Master's Degree, about 5"2' with a hint of emo, and she's Canadian. Did I mention she had fabulous tits? She's ticking boxes.

She explains she's homesick, and a bit edgy today. I'm not exactly on prime form either. All I can think of is going to sleep again. Anyhow, the dog jumps in the river, bounds back out and shakes off, soaking her. She wasn't amused. Not at all. Lighten up, for fuck sake! It's a dog, it's what they do. Why so miserable?

She asks how I got on last night. I'm utterly vague about it all, seeing as it was fucking messy. She tries to start some conversation herself, about foreign affairs, global warming and .. the environment. I'm totally uninterested and much of it, admittedly, goes over my head, but I let it flow.

She gets stung by nettles on her calves and ankles, and whines about it. Fuck she has nice legs. And I'm not even a leg-guy.

Then, my dog trolls me hard. She takes a shit in the middle of the path. And it's a wet one. Do note, I'd kindly had my sister take the dog for a pre-walk earlier that day to pre-emptively stop this from happening, but the dog clearly had other ideas. Bitch. So I find a bag and messily manage to scoop it up. Michelle has continued walking... and is a bit embarrassed. I laugh, but am a bit grossed out.

Being that I'm a proper cunt - I usually just leave shit where it stands, because, well, it's shit. Yeah, I know, I probably shouldn't ever have babies.

Anyhow, now comes the awkward bit. What the FUCK do I do with it. There's no bins around and I already know she's all high and mighty about saving the planet, so I somehow suspect she'll be pissed if I just ditch it. So I carry it for about 20 meters. It's a MASSIVE turnoff. It kills conversation and it STENCHES. I throw it down and say I'll come back to it (yeah, right). I make a few jokes about dysentery, because my Mum once shit herself a little bit on a waterslide and that story ALWAYS gets laughs with the boys. It bombed. Not even a smile.

This girl simply had a sense of humour too mature or just too feminine for my company, we didn't click. Can't win them all. We made twenty minutes of more mundane forgettable small-talk, including Olympic results until I got near my car. Then I gave her a mutually platonic hug and we separated. Lesson learned? Don't turnup to day-time dates, drunk. And I think I need to date Beavis or Butthead, but in female form.

Regardless though, a fun weekend!