From my experience with online dating sites like OKCupid and PlentyOfFish most messages from guys get ignored and though your message isn't that bad I suspect most girls would stop reading after the first few lines and file it under "trying too hard".

The only way I've found to get consitent replies on free dating sites is to have short, confident messages like

"whats Derby like? Is it true about the sheep?"

Then you're more likely to get a reply, even if its just a short jokey reply - and you have invested them a bit so you can follow up with a message like the one you posted and get into an actual conversation.

ps. Girls on online dating sites set their standards way too high by the way, you'll have to work harder to get a date AND you run the very real risk of turning up and finding out they are actually 16 stone and just very good at camera angles (speaking from experience lol)