Quote:
Originally Posted by Blanca
But (and this is a big but), there comes out of this a Catch 22. And that is that, during moderate to severe depression, even doing those things you've talked about becomes unbearable. You feel absolutey, completely, hopelessly, wretched, and even going outside seems like an impossible task. Don't get me wrong, you know full well that it is possible, but you can't think of anything worse than doing it. And behind these problems is the fact that you are a cunt. You will never be loved, you will never be happy, and you will be lonely, disconnected and miserable whatever you do. And no-one will care because you're such a cunt. Can you imagine feeling like that? Having what feels like an inevitable realisation that these things are true? Nothing you do can stop this kind of depression - I've had it, in this severity, three times in the past, each for a couple of months, and it's awful - easily the darkest days of my life. ).
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Severe Depression absolutly destroys you inside. I couldnt even get off the sofa to empty the dishwasher it was an absolutly impossible task, so you sit there and ruminate about the things that you are obsessive over-- hurting you inside over and over again which spirals you further and further down.
Looking back my Severely Depressed episode lasted 6 months, every minute of every hour of every day was absolute hell on earth, i sobbed 20 times a day.
I was scoring maxium marks on the GPs depression scale.
Like you say if you somehow manage to actually do somthing, go out, speak to a friend on the phone, visit family--afterwards you feel better, but the ability to actually get up and do that yourself is impossible.
anyone that thinks they can 'just pull themselves together' has no concept of SEVERE depression.
I actually realised what being mentally ill was -- i didnt trust myself, how i felt or decisions i made anymore because i was up and down up and down.
My best friend would ring me everyday to see how i was and i would give him different answers about the same thing everyday--i realised that if you asked me the same question 20 minutes apart about everything that had happened.
I would give you a firmly believed DIFFERENT answer.
I also understood how commiting suicide could actually seem like a totally logical sane normal choice-- your ability to reason and use logic is totally fucked when severely depressed.
For me Anti Depressants where probably my savior -- i bounced around on some different ones and settled on Citalopram. Immediately i felt like the ups and downs got their peaks taken off and levelled slightly-- i actaully WANTED to go out and do things-- which also made me feel better.
They didnt stop me feeling depressed but they took the edge off it- i still had massive wobbles and i carefully had to control my thought processes, keep myself out of situations i knew would make me 'wobble'
i developed some affirmations i would say to myself when i wobbled bit like self hypnosis.
So here the happy ending bit...you ready?
no, no happy ending -- i am a hell of a lot better 2 years down the line, i still take citalopram although i am ready to wean myself off it as i have put many things in place with my life that will help me keep my head above water.
i still get the odd Wobble now and again but i control it well.
Things that helped my from a nutrient/drug point of view
Citalopram -- huge difference
Modafinil -- accidental discovery totally feel awesome on these, knock on effects seem to last for days
High potency fish oils
High Potency Vitamin D
i also drop the odd 5-HTP - has a very calming effect.
personally i developed a great deal of caring and compassion for others in this situation, you can truly never understand it unless youve been there.