From the archives of "It's a Sick World and I'm a Happy Man":

So, I have this friend who is a huge fan of the sexual practice known as “ass-to-mouth.” Recently he was banging a broad from behind on her carpeted bedroom floor. He held her face down with his left hand as he fucked her. She complained about the friction of the carpet so he pushed her face harder into the carpet until she had severe rug burns. The thing is, she is 70 years old. And, he was fucking her in the ass. He didn’t even remove her stockings to expose her varicose veins. He tore that ass up so badly that she had to sit with her ass to a portable fan for an hour afterwards to cool it off. He even got her a bag of ice. Afterwards the room stank of ben gay and stanky ass. She told him, lovingly, that “that was the most hardcore sex I’ve ever had you young man, you.”
Out of sheer morbid curiosity, I asked my friend how he broached the subject of anal with an old bag. He said he was finger banging her and shoved a finger in her ass. She asked what he was doing and he replied, “two in the pink, one in the stink.” She seemed to enjoy it so he just went for it.
I truly believe this is the most disturbing story I have ever heard. When it was told to me I threw up in my mouth four or five times. I have been nursing a bottle of Jonnie Walker Black Label ever since in an effort to erase the mental images.