Has a girl ever said this to you?
 

"Its not you I don't trust, its everyone else".

Have you ever heard this? What do you think or how do you respond?

Was she darting her eyes back and forth while rocking back and forth as she said that?

It's just some fluff talk from her I wouldn't even hear it. Just drive the conversation where you want it to go and ignore her crazy talk.

usually a gf would say that because you are going out on a night out with the lads and shes not going to be there and feels insecure about losing you
she thinks that some uber chick will steal you from her

i came here to say exactly what reflex said.

except he forgot to mention the doormen he was givin pocket wanks to...

LOL, yeah, I have heard it from a couple girlfriends.

Its quite annoying because no matter what I say, she's still guna think I'll end up cheating. How do ya stop a girl thinking that?

Don't sweat it. At the end of the day its not down to you to change her thoughts. If its brought up state the truth and don't go banging other chicks.

Simple.

Yeah Darood you're right. I looked into it too much!!

just make sure you dont fall into the trap of letting her insecurities dictate wether you see your friends and enjoy yourself.
also ensure if her insecurities become more than a passing comment and instead turn into a source of friction/negativity that you make her aware that this is unnacceptable

Just to echo what Reflex said! Don't even bother arguing about it, just tell her you are going out, you won't cheat and that you trust her to be faithful in the same way you are to her. It lets her know that you see it as her not trusting you fully over something insignificant.

Oh, and on some level she doesn't trust you (or perhaps drunken-you).

It takes two to tango, ofcourse there are plenty of promiscuous girls sluts out there - but they are not going to overpower you and fuck you (we wish!). You would need to consent to it and make it happen.

It's good that she's aware you're in demand, as she will value you more. Never dispel or deny that other girls are into you, a tiny bit of uncertainty makes them fight to be your priority.

If she's genuinely tormenting herself each time you go on a nightout, then you should sit her down and attempt to reassure her on trust, to alleviate some of that unhealthy worry..

I've heard this exact same thing from girls. I think its a polite way of saying "I don't trust you". Which is her problem, not yours. Just make sure you reassure her every now and again

Yeah I will reassure her but I won't stop going out because of it.

It's her problem, all I can do is reassure her. I have been invited out to an old friend's 20th birthday party in Leeds in June, and I told her I'd probably be staying in a hotel with my MALE friend, and she said "I don't like that" because she thinks we will bring a girl back with us!

I'm not guna let her stop me though, it will be a good night out, with all my friends I used to see a lot, and its just that Leeds is a long way from Notts area, so I have no choice but stay over or ruin the night by coming home early on a train. Doubt it !!!

It's not a polite way of saying "I don't trust you" at all. I in fact come from this mentality in a way, although less from a being bothered about losing my partner way.

I couldn't care less if the person I'm with goes off with someone else, I would never try to stop that happening in some paranoid manner, it would just be stupid and I've explained this before. If your partner views someone else as someone they'd rather be with why would you want to be with them? I know for a fact that I'm the best person in the world in the eyes of the person I'm with. If she wants to go off with someone else I won't stop her.

HOWEVER, the issue I do get is an overwhelming sense of rage at the disrespect guys show for me by trying it on with her. It is fucking disgusting that so many people come from a mindset of believing it's ok to crack on a girl that's not single. Most of them even justify it as ok because "he's not a mate" and tell themselves he's a dick in some warped way.

This is what bothers me. Back in the day however I used to use this "everyone else" thing based on a fear of my partner finding someone better than me - not cheating on me. I never worried about being cheated on. Losing the partner to a person better than myself was however a major issue and the lack of trust for everyone else comes from the knowledge that people couldn't give a shit whether someone is taken or not.

That's what's going on here.

I think thats an insane comment
when you deeply love somone you bond with them on a very deep level-- the pain you feel when you are forced apart permanently is soul destroying
to not have some fear of that happening is foolish and immature

you might say--well my gf would never do anything behind my back etc -- ive heard lots of guys say this about their partners and in my uncrupulous days the guy that said it was completely unaware that i was actually fucking around with her-- they are actually married now with kids/ happliy i might add

secondly to the guy that says 'my gf would never cheat on me' somtimes even with the best intentions a girl can end up in a situation which she has very little control over - for instance she could get very drunk one night out with friends and end up barely consciously getting fucked by some guy

how many girls have used the excuse -- i didnt know what i was doing i was drunk regarding why they did somthing with a guy. most often this IS an excuse and they pretty much knew full well what they were doing-- but in situations where they are not in control of their own actions anymore--this can actually be true.

nothing is ever black or white the world is a big shade of grey

I have no fear of it happening because it is beneficial. If she is attracted to someone else more than she is attracted to me then I don't want to be with her any more. I don't work on this "competition" mentality people have, there is no competition, there is only me and people's perceptions of me. I believe I'm the best, if someone I'm with doesn't perceive me as the best too then why the hell would I want to be with them? Yes it'll hurt, of course it will, such is the downside of emotional bonds, I will not try and stop it nor fear it though.

If she were to stay with me while being more attracted to someone else I would lose a massive amount of respect and attraction for her anyway for being too weak to pursue something she'd rather have.

That's not cheating, it's rape. Proving it as rape is intensely difficult, but it's rape. Anything less than that and she is capable of consenting, which is cheating. Alcohol is never an excuse for cheating.

At which point it's rape, and should be dealt with as such.

Don't try to say it's not, the law states this is rape too, anyone who is not of sound mind to understand their actions is not of sound mind to consent. Proof in court is incredibly difficult, but it's still rape. Any girl claiming this bullshit ought to be speaking to the police.

This kinda sounds like Phil and Carmada in the other thread about emotional control but I agree where RLAJay is coming from. I tell any girl I enter into a relationship with, casual or serious, I'd rather her be straigh up and tell me if she wants to move on.

However I can't say I feel great about it, but I feel better knowing she's doing her thing it off rather than leads me on in the time I can be doing mine.

So how do you as a boyfriend in your mind distinguish between a girlfriend that tells you she was drunk and cant remember what happened but you know she slept with a guy-- she cant remember if she was raped, -- how will you ever know what the truth is.

I think its easy to have a certain mindset in certain situations and feel very resolute as to how you feel and would deal with things-- but once those things actually come to pass a very different chain of events ands feelings come into play.

with my ex of 10 years i trusted her absolutly, i always thought that if she left me or did actually cheat on me i wouldnt be too bothered because i knew it wasnt right between us.
It was me that actually finalised the destruction of that relationship and at the moment there was no going back and it was finally over -- i actually realised truly what real love and a soul mate was-- i was absolutly destroyed at what i had done to her, it changed me massively and its took me 2 years to get myself together and i dont actually think i will ever be over it.

No doubt there are exceptions but then I think by taking a certain mindset and trying to better yourself, as everybody is trying to do on the forum, it prepares you for these situations (if you could ever be prepared)

I think there's also a big jump between rape and cheating which I hope I never have to face in a relationship.

The truth is irrelevant. If someone tells you they were raped you believe them until you know otherwise.

Whether it's true or not is irrelevant anyway. She's likely done stuff with the guy before she got to that stage of drunkness. That's easy to find out, she can fuck off based on that opposed to whether it was rape or not. If she hadn't done anything with the guy before getting that wasted then it was certainly rape. Either way there would be witnesses to her behaviour earlier on.

I don't disagree with anything else you say, breakups hurt, I'm not contesting that at all. You realise that being afraid of losing someone is ridiculous when you realise that losing them is the right thing to happen under any circumstances, other than bereavement. Sure, it hurts, but it's a good thing.

I know people who have been banged up for a night because of fake girls crying rape when she was blatantly cheating on her boyfriend and then regretted it... For this reason I will believe she is lying until proven otherwise (Obviously there are exceptions etc).

And I also agree, since breaking up with my ex, my view has changed. When I was with her, I thought my world was ending as it was slowly breaking apart. But after. I felt refreshed, relieved and happy I got away from the psycho!

See, the problem with believing she's lying unless proven otherwise is you set yourself up to lose the relationship since the vast majority of rape cases, true or not, all fail. The law favours the rapist because the cases are incredibly difficult to prove. Better to go by different measures.

I call bullshit on fake rape claims, they happen sure, but the only way you could possibly say assuming they're lying is logical would be if fake rape claims were more common than real ones. I call bullshit on that one. It happens, but rape is far more common.

Upon a bit of research, (YAY STATS) the false reporting rate is between 2 and 50% with the majority placing it between 8%(not including those that drop out of accusation) and 25%.

could somone remind me what the point of this thread is again?

Perhaps I was being a bit stupid saying I will always believe she's lying. What I actually meant is that I am always skeptical as to how real a rape claim is.

And the point of the thread was, how do you respond when a girl says "its not you i dont trust, its everyone else"

Doesn't it just make you want to slap your soft test mates who refuse to accept this basic advice. So many guys allow themselves to be controlled by women its shocking

Dude i learned that the hard way! i`ll never make that mistake again

The logical conclusion based on upon the mindset I feel is healthiest (spoken about earlier) is simply to agree with her in the distrust of others. Everyone is seeking something from their interactions with us and we'd all be pretty stupid not to realise that. It might just be fun, but in many cases it's more. It's always important to bear in mind the motivations behind whatever people say. She has every right to distrust others.

The only reason it's a worry is because she doesn't feel reassured regarding it. That's because she doesn't feel like you understand where they're coming from. All you have to do is show that you understand the mindset by agreeing with her and feeding back the reasons for the mindset as I spoke of earlier. This doesn't remove the distrust of others, it does however remove the worry because you know your partner is aware of it. It shows they have the same social sense.

For me, I have added reassurance to people like this, I instantly lose attraction for anyone that tries anything with me while I'm in a relationship.(when they're aware of this). Obviously I make this clearly obvious as early as possible in most interactions.

Personally aggreeing with your gf that other women cant be trusted around you is feeding her mentality that you as a man are too weak to resist these girls which means you need to be controlled by your gf and limited from exposure to these situations
wrong
wrong
wrong

Her: I just dontr trust other women around you
Me: I love you, you are my gf im not interested in other women, dont be silly


In that situation she ticks my 'naughty' box against her name for future reference

if i think back to some of the most memorable things ive done -- the NAUGHTIEST things all rank at the top

Umm, no. You've missed the point and are instead focusing on a distrust of you, which is fundamentally not what the problem is at first. It becomes a distrust of you when you make it one by being defensive and accusatory of her distrusting you. Whether you do that directly or not doesn't matter, it communicates it and creates it.

She fundamentally does not trust other women, for the same reasons I mentioned way earlier on. By making it quite clear that you're aware other of when other women are hitting on you and agreeing with her you make it clear that it's cool. In the event that she still has an issue you make it clear that shoudl she continue to have it then she's just going to push you away with neediness and attempts at control that are just unnecessary. The majority of the time that doesn't happen though, all that's necessary is a simple mutual understanding between two people.

If she's insecure about losing you it's one of two things, she's either got a low self esteem - which I doubt given the nature of the kinds of people everyone here wants. Or, alternatively, you created that insecurity in her by playing too many mind games. If it's the second thing, you only have yourself to blame.

dey do do dat dough don't dey!

Midas I think Phil's using your computer.

PS

"Its not you I don't trust, its everyone else"

Translation

"I'm very insecure and don't think am good enough for you"

classic womanease lol

And how do you fix this, without binning her off for someone who is secure?

A woman with an issue such as low self-esteem has to be willing to change on a DEEP LEVEL, a guy can not change a women unless she is willing to change herself.

From my experience in order for a woman with low self-esteem to want to change her thought pattern something profound has to happen almost like a revelation in her own mind that her current self talk is in fact harming her and not benefiting her.

She would have to make a concious effort to change her thought patterns and behaviours, very similar to us on this forum we have consciously decided that are currant thought pattern and behaviours are not benefiting us the way we would like them to, so we consciously decided to try and change them (this thinking has made us more inclined to accept help).

It would of taken alot for us a long time & alot of hurt (emotionality) to come to that conclusion "we had a revelation". :)

Now imagine what a women with low self-esteem would have to go through for her to reach a smiler conclusion.

Low self esteem does not automatically mean a fear of losing their partner. It is present in many cases but is not in all, therefore it can't be held as the reason for it. My girlfriend can be incredibly insecure at times, however she has absolutely no fear of losing me or that I could disappear into the arms of someone else after a single night though.

Correlation does not equal causation.

You got any Stats for that Jay? :hihi:

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/correlation.png
xkcd: Correlation