Self-centered in conversation
 

So my buddy decided to create a game, which was basically find characteristics which defines you: Mine were empathetic, positive and inconsistent (emotionally). This got us talking about things we do. They told be I am a self-centered, but in the respect of I relate everything to myself i.e. I think this, I can relate because I did this, they told me it could be stopping myself from learning about others.

I never thought this was a problem and hopefully it isn't but I can see where they are coming from.

What do you guys think?

A lot of people do this. Listen to peoples idle conversation. It usually starts with one person saying something they saw or heard, then the other person applying it to themselves.
You'll often get this happening over and over, subconsciously people find this frustrating.

Here's the sort of conversation I notice all the time:

...

If you really want to build rapport with people, instead of repeatedly turning the conversation to yourself and overlaying your reality onto theirs, try making a conscious effort to continue the conversation with regards to their experience, or just discuss the subject in it's own right. Like this:

The person you're talking to feels more like you've listened to what they have said, instead of overlaying your reality over the top of theirs. They will then be more open to listening to you talk about yourself for a bit.

Solving subconscious habits like selfishness requires you to focus on them, bringing them into your conscious awareness so that you can change them. Eventually, conscious changes will become subconscious and you'll have made that change.

I've definitely been guilty of that. While they are talking, I'd be in my head teeing up my own anecdotes in preparation for when it's my turn to talk. People sense you are doing this and like you said, it's not good for building rapport.

I put it partly down to nerves and lack of social skills. As I'm getting more relaxed I'm consciously trying to listen more and get inside their reality bubble. The difference is noticeable in the positive feedback you get from this.

I planning on recording my sets to see to what extent it is. I don't cut off others but I always relate to something I did or how I felt or my opinion on the subject. Its not in a boring way so never thought it was a problem

It's not really a problem. Everyone thinks in terms of themselves and relates stuff to themselves. It's normal. I like to talk a lot about myself because frankly I think my experiences are interesting and worthwhile. Sure I'm interested in what other people have to say too, but so what if I like talking about myself.

I don't think recording yourself in set is a particularly good idea either. Full on overthink. Plus all you can really do is consciously try to build rapport with people, which will come off as unnatural and make you sound like this.

Thing is, people love to talk about themselves. By allowing them to do that, you can make them feel good about themselves and it's a fast rapport builder.
It's not a problem if you don't, but it's a great technique when you do.

Doing stuff consciously is always going to feel unnatural at first. But you have to push through until it becomes natural. Don't you remember your first times out sarging? Look where you are now.

its called sales

Another thing is women seem to work out their problems by talking about them. I've found when they start doing this it's best to just be quiet and listen. The natural thing for a guy to do is to try to offer solutions. But they don't seem to appreciate that. It's better to just help them to get it all out and not offer advice unless they ask for it.

Yes, be quiet and listen to her. However, I'd always offer my opinion before she asks and I wouldn't be biased. If she was a cunt, I'd have no problem telling her what I genuinely think. Yes, she may get pissy at first (or she may say "fuck your right"). Both of these situations show you're not afraid of what they think and aren't pussy footing around so not to upset her.

Either you've just saved yourself a lot of time finding out if you'd be cool together or you've made a deep connection with her and helped her out.

Isn't it more just being a friend? Or normal conversation?
Letting somebody talking about their shit, you talk about yours and you chew the fat together...

I had a convo with a woman in the laundrette today. Started off about the weather and ended up trading life stories, hopes, dreams, fears, plans, the lot for 1/2 hour (the time the driers take).

Initially you're building trust through conveying your personality with tit bits of information, then backing off for a while and letting the other person open up and contribute. Back and forth it goes. Pretty much 50/50 I reckon. It's like a dance.

We both kept relating each others stories to ourselves and realised through that there was some commonality.

Thanks guys, I've been taking action for others to talk more, I've always had a problem listening to people (passive). I think the fact I can talk my ass off and letting others talk is really going to help me towards success.

power statements to use:

mid convo

your a dick
your boring me

sometimes conversation is interesting and you both learn things
sometimes its a waste
throw in some power statements now and again to let the other person know you dont care
if you care, then care
if you dont -

if i get bored with conversations i gradually ramp up the convo to ridiculous levels of exageration

if its with a girl, it puts them on the back foot
well there is a slight risk they`ll think you are a cock- but who cares right

...what if i am a cock...

reading your opening post
you are saying your mates say about you that...
any conversation you reply with statements about bending the convo to relating to yourself

so:

mate: feel really down my mums died- im at rock bottom
you: yeh my mum and dad died and then my cat and i killed myself 4 times and then the village lit a candle in my families memory
mate: (thinks) (what a bumlord)

so- why do you feel you need to relate everything someone says to you with your own shit (made up or otherwise)

its because you are viewing the interaction with your friends as a power oneupmansship
which means that you are weak, feel of lower value and feel the need to be one better or on equal footing

realize that, dwell on it for a bit
call me a cunt if you like

in future when you don't feel the need to do that anymore and you can just accept your mates convo for what it is without feeling the NEED to see it as a subconscious competition
you are one more step closer to be awesome

that's my opinion

if i am having a conversation with someone, like for instance at work
i was chatting to a lad that was feeling really down about his girlfriend binning him off and not letting him see his child and he was depressed

i didn't feel the NEED to say well Ive suffered with severe depression before and maxed out the depression scale
i talked him through what he was feeling and the only time i mentioned that i had suffered with depression was at the right time he needed to know about this information to HELP HIM understand his situation
he left that interaction feeling better about himself and understanding how he felt--
i felt better because i genuinely helped him.

does that kind of make sense?

Hmmm, a bit over top. Like who does that really, but yeah i gotchu

the other side of the coin to that is the Shock and Awe approach

i used to have a TVR Cerbera

i used to love chatting to guys in the pub-- the subject of cars would come up
some guy would ramble on about his saxo VTR rinsing blah blah, i could mention i had a supercar but i didn't-- i would just let him go on about it
sometimes just sometimes at the end of the night you would both walk into the carpark when you are leaving- he would get in his saxo and you would get in your supercar.
these are priceless moments of WTF
sometimes not saying anything is making the biggest statement of all!

Holy shit!

Reflex posted on the forum!

If someone says your too self involved in your conversation, it could mean you might wanna expand your awareness. It could also mean you have shit friends. Who says stuff like that to your 'mates'?

"Barney you talk too much about yourself"
"Well stop being a boring sod and come up with something to talk about then"

You have to check whether the person who said it was being genuine or manipulative. Half of conversation is like that anyway, you talk a load of your own shit, they talk all their bollocks, you make fun of people, chat about interests.

I'm usually aware when I'm dominating convos because everyone else's contribution drops, sometimes we need to hog the limelight when telling an interesting story, or explaining something we are passionate about. Domination used sparingly has a much bigger positive impact and shows I'm not too concerned about what other people think

The struggle is finding that perfect balance between allowing the other person to talk while sharing your views - great conversations flow 50/50 or 60/40 (in my favour;)

Anyone heard of Transactional Analysis?

Dominance is a part of masculinity. 95% of women love to be dominated, the rest are Mistresses and tbh I know a Mistress that only does it because she hasn't found a guy that can dominate her properly.

Dominating a conversation, cutting girls off (at times) and telling her what is to happen shows dominance, a strong reality; masculinity. I was on the phone to my adviser Job Centre rep on Friday to give info about how my jobs going. I completely dominated the whole conversation, between taking a breath and starting to talk again she'd try to start talking but phased out as soon as I talked. I told her what I was to do, how and when. Then said that I'd come to see her in an hour.

I knew she liked me but when I went to see her she expressed that she likes it when a guy takes control. She likes to know where she fits in to a guys life rather than been the centre of his life.
That, I feel applies to all women.

So much of this comes down to the fact that if you are comfortable with it she'll be comfortable with it too.