Maintaining eye contact

For some reason, I really struggle to maintain eye contact with people in public places. I was at the cinema on wednesday, uber hot girls everywhere, and I find myself not being able to look at them. I glance, then look away. But its the same with lads, I can't look for more than a second. I think, when I do look at people, the first thought in my head is: shit what do they think of me. Maybe I just need to get out more, I haven't been out single for years.

Also, my friend often bumps into people he knows and starts chatting with them, and I feel like I can't join in with the conversation as I don't know them and he does?

Has anyone experienced this and have any advice?

[Status]

Like anything it's all about experience.

For some reason, I started consciously started thinking about eye contact during conversations, which would put me into my yeas. I think it may have stemmed from confidence issues.
Confidence comes with competence.

[legend]

Originally Posted by kowalski

Make it a game for a bit.

Like, if you make early eye-contact with someone walking towards you in the street and hold till they break first, which all happens at a fair distance usually, they will then move around you and you can continue in a straight line. That's pretty interesting to do for a bit, I read about it in Keith Jonstone's Impro where he is writing about status (same as value).


Peace,

kowalski

Aint that like staring and weird? And I guess you only maintain this eye contact with girls otherwise, a guy might think you gay! I like it though!

Originally Posted by Tw1sted

Like anything it's all about experience.

For some reason, I started consciously started thinking about eye contact during conversations, which would put me into my yeas. I think it may have stemmed from confidence issues.
Confidence comes with competence.

I will try and start to think about eye contact in future and see what happens...

Originally Posted by kowalski

Make it a game for a bit.

Like, if you make early eye-contact with someone walking towards you in the street and hold till they break first, which all happens at a fair distance usually, they will then move around you and you can continue in a straight line. That's pretty interesting to do for a bit, I read about it in Keith Jonstone's Impro where he is writing about status (same as value).


Peace,

kowalski

I will also try this, making it a game, I will also try the thing about making them move around me...

Originally Posted by kowalski

Joining in - Has your friend introduced you? How are you all positioned?

Introduce yourself, call your friend out if he hasn't introduced you. Move so you are positioned equally and not on the outskirts of the group.

Is it this stuff, i.e. breaking in, or is it being able to segue from a coversation about their shared experience to something that includes your view that is problematic?


Peace,

kowalski

My friend usually introduces me to female friends when he see's them, and I would also. But usually with lads, he doesn't introduce me. I will start to introduce myself. I always try to position myself within the group, nobody likes to be on the outskirts.

I do think a bigger problem is what you mention, trying to join in their private conversation and I do find this a struggle

[Refl3x]

My best pal never introduces me to girls he knows (fancies) when we come across them in bars and clubs because he is insecure about himself and thinks that they will like me and his chances will get blown.
im big on manners and think thats pretty rude.

anyway i learned form an early age the opposite to Kawolski -- when walking down the street and wanting people to move out of your way i find im much more successful by not hitting eye contact with them whatsoever, often coming across though you dont even know they are there will subconsciously get them to move because they want to avoid a collision and think if you havnt seen them one will happen.

[UnarmedWalrus]

I regularly try and smile at girls as they walk past me. If they think I'm some grinning idiot, what the fuck do I care?

[RLAJay]

There was a recent bbc article on some study that basically confirmed that the first person to break eye contact is submitting dominance to the other. Application in attraction would effectively be that the person that breaks eye contact first sees the other person as higher status/value than themselves.

The study did make a very important point that not all acts of eye contact are dominance tests though, in the majority of instances the very first instance of eye contact almost always was.

I think there may be a little more depth to it than this though, a lack of a break in eye contact can be aggressive or creepy. Just because someone manages to hold eye contact longer than the other party doesn't mean that the other person happily accepts this position. In fact such a thing can make someone instantly feel like they dislike the other and become vocally hostile. I personally believe that if someone doesn't have instant attraction to you then the latter is what occurs, holding of eye contact while adding a friendly smile is capable of changing this though, in cases where a reciprocal smile doesn't occur I think immediately talking to them and ensuring a the right message came across is important.

An interesting thing to think about at least, I don't really think anyone should think too much about this and certainly shouldn't allow themselves to get into their heads. Overthinking it just creates unnatural behaviour and unnatural behaviour regularly sends the wrong messages. We all do these things because they're an internal part of the way we all communicate. I think that forcing this behaviour isn't all that important though. If you believe yourself to be above the other person then you'll exhibit these things naturally, instead of trying to force unnatural behaviour try working on the underlying mind and improving that, it should automatically cause you to send the correct corresponding messages automatically.

Hmm.. This is quite messy, I'm not sure whether to equate this with body language or not. I would usually say that assuming body language is good due to research that shows mental pathways work both ways - if we're unhappy we might show unhappy body language but at the same time if we force happy body language it causes happy sections of the brain to start activating and causes a mindset change. I however think this is slightly different as it's more of a silent and unconscious form of communication with another person.

[chops147]

I remember when I was young an old man said to me always make eye contact wen u shake someones hand they'll give you more respect. I did start getting more respect from peeps after that.