How to become respect and charisma so that people are drawn to you?

[Xankon34]

Example how my life is at university at the moment, why I'm depressed regulary:

When i say something in a group conversation, I never get heard. I don't mean I talk too quietly, (most of the time) or I talk at the ''wrong time'', I just mean even if I speak at a reasonable tone, when there's a gap, about anything relavent to the conversation, I still don't get heard. Even if I join in a joke, I still don't get noticed. I can tell.

It's like I'm tuned out in advance.

I hear others talking, and some people even mumble something and it gets heard, where as if I am almost yelling something, nobody hears me. Like the other day when I finished work, we were in the canteen and I got up and said, ''see you all later!'' I said it in a loud-ish, cheerful voice, like I see most people doing when they're getting up to go, and nobody heard me. Nobody was even looking at me. They were all just drawn to the most extroverted person of the group. So I said, ''bye!'', but nobody still heard. I mean surely it doesn't hurt to just put up your hand and say, ''bye'' back, even if you are in a conversation. It's not alawys so Bad, but this shows my problem think. I see other people yelling goodbyes when there's a group conversation and they still hear and say goodbye. I mean surely you don't just stand and wait until the conversation is over then say bye, especially if you've got a bus to catch or something.

That's not the only time. It's just one of many things that happen.
People are nice to me, help me, sometimes invite me,but there is still this distance.


About me: I'm 6'0, twenty years old, not overweight or acne or something like that, the only problem is my social circle, which doesn't exist. I don't have friends. I seem to not look like it since I worked out, even as introvert , alone. I have muscles and , I also have no social anxiety or something, can speak in front of many people.Still I hear "you're shy" from girls often because I'm still quiet in comparison with my outgoing uni. Mates.
Since 1 year at university, new city. Meet new people, joined organizations made "friends" which are nice to me, but not like friends, more like uni. Acquaintances, other people met at the same time but act like real friends now.

When I'm with 3 friends and we meet new people, the new people seem only interested in my friends not me, I try to be interested in the other people, but that doesn't seem to help. I become an aquantance, while the others become friends. People don't really include me, cut me off,don't show me funny thigns on their smartphone in group situations, instead every other person, they don't seem to do that, to insult me, but this makes me mad and sad everytime since it shows, that I'm not so much appreciated. It shows they don't care about my reaction, to this not girl or funnz pic.

Why that is? Maybe because the last 5 years I spent much time on my computer, exercising and studying, had 3 friends tho. No travelling or much parties, drinking, no cool hobbies or all these crazy stories others have every new weekend. No 1,5k FB friends like the others. I mostly hang out with really social people since at unversity, since they approach me are open and friendly and hang out with me(everybody), but still don't include me fully. I want to eat, nobody really wants to go with me alone, x wants to eat they go and eat alone with him. It wasn't always like this, as child I never got that treatment, being chosen last in PE. I'm maybe not so interesting but it can't be that bad, how I am experiencing it every day. People would rather sit next someone else than me, I notice it when we learn in groups. Don't really talk much about not school related topics with me.

I know, that I come across as boring in comparison with the more outgoing or just normal people who have something to talk about, even if its just some things that happend in their life, with their girlfriend or a friend of a friend, last party. I'm not so good in talking about these things and at the moment,since I don't have much happening in my life or don't hear so much stories from other people.
Feel like they don't really care soo mucheven when I would have a awesome story, since I'm just an acquaintance for them, I often see that they also act silly and goofy for a short time while in publicity as group, which is quite embarssing sometimes and other people look at us. Thas also where I differ. I feel uncool, acting like they do sometimes. James Bond, never would act a fool, that was what I thought?

I think, that I probably not seem socially uncalibrated, but instead too socially calibritated, serious. It's like I'm shy and quiet (normal), serious in some situations, where others are acting silly, which makes me seem boring, not fun.

It's not that I'm extremely serious, but in some group situations, where others embarass themselves, I seem to appear uptight, being the only one who doesn't join in.
Sometimes I also just not feel included in some jokes or things, which makes then all laugh, cuz they didn't really speak to me, so I sit there while others having fun.

I never asked other people about my behavior, but theire is a guy, who is kind of a fun-clown, entertainer, who kinds of annoys me sometimes, by saying loud to new people, when I'm with him, or whole groups, how uptight and shy I am. "That is (Name), but he is a little bit shy"

I get mad, because now, they have the wrong first impression of me while I'm not even that shy, I just don't like to embarass myself,
feel like other people, other hot girls who are in dominant men, won't see me as attractive or sexual man, if I'm acting this way.
I also think that I need value, add value to others life, but I really don't know how, since I don't have a car or space to organize dorm partys. The best would be, to have a fun personality, which I had as a child to some degree, but somehow I become a little bit afraid to attract awkward attention, which I often see with other people to some degree and women especially.Laughing all the time. Feel like it makes it harder for me to be respected, but on the other side, I guess need to change a little bit.

Should I try to be a little more silly or goofy or would that appear weird, if some people know me as shy, boring man, "serious"-normal in most public situations? When drunk or on a birthday party I can act a little fun, because thats seems to be socially accepted, but in other situations it seems to attract sometimes "negative" attention.

Any Ideas?

What can I do about it?

Any Ideas what I can do, to rais my value, make myself attractive to spend time with?

[Xankon34]

Thank you, I guess with this advice I will achieve everything.
Why didn't I come to this myself?

[Toots]

Sorry to disappoint you, but there is no quick fix for this. It sounds like you're a decent bloke with good intentions but there are a lot of things you need to learn about being social. Usually, university is where you can learn them but it's not easy and you shouldn't beat yourself down about it. I've got a couple of points I can add here...

• The first thing I would say is to forget about pickup for the time-being. You clearly need to work on making yourself into someone you respect and girls will only get in the way of that. That is to say you should concentrate on being nice, fun and sociable with them rather than ignore them altogether.
• You take yourself too seriously. Someone announcing that you're "the shy one" should not get you riled and the fact that it pisses you off only goes to show how uncomfortable you are with yourself. Next time he does it you just need to speak to whoever he's introducing you to and go "yeah I'm the shy one" (without any sarcasm or negativity and with a big smile on your face), shake their hand and say "nice to meet you."
• Show an interest in people. One of the biggest ah-ha moments for me was when I worked out how to have a normal conversation (I was also very socially awkward growing up). If people are branding you shy and your internal dialogue is going "I'm boring. Why does no-one talk to me? Why does no-one listen to me?" then I'm willing to bet that you are too busy ragging on yourself to care about anyone else or what they're doing or thinking. If you just stand there and expect other people to make the effort then you're gonna be waiting a long time. All you have to do is ask questions! Ask ask ask. Be interested. Tell yourself that "people are interesting and I want to find out as much about them as I can."
• Buy How To Win Friends And Influence People. It's a manual on how to be a decent human being.
• Buy Instant Confidence by Paul McKenna. It will teach you to stop having a go at yourself all the time.

In short, stop putting yourself down and start being interested in people, and buy whichever self-help books you need to get you there.

[Xankon34]

Hello Toots, thank you for giving me some advice,
yeah..there is no quick fix I guess.

Yup, PU is not something which I want to work on soo much, because even if I would get a girl of some club, I don't think that I would be satisfied.

Not getting mad at being called shy is hard, but I understand what it says about me. It's so that I try to not appear shy, so somebody saying it, just because I'm not acting silly or doing something akward, saying something which get me negative attention makes me mad, its not like I can't talk with people or something like that, well I can live with this.

I actually know the book of Dale, who doesn't and it's really good, the information really helped me and I use the knowledge, but my questions and all that are good, being alone with one person and getting to know the person, which helped me and I think thats the reason I know some people. The problem with this is, actually giving value and being exciting. Other people greet me and I greet them and all, but their is not enough connection, that they would come to do something with me alone. Social people always talk much about their hobbys and interest, so showing interest in them, doesn't do much and doesn't make me more exciting.

[top-hat]

Have you tried bantering with people, making fun of them in a light hearted way. People in the UK, especially guys react well to this...you have to know people to some extent though...maybe the guy who calls you shy.

[Xankon34]

Hey kowalski,
okay:


I mean, I never seem to start shit, because I am afraid, that maybe I get negative reactions and even though I work on it, I seem to still be afraid, it feels unnatural, being uptight.

That means that when another person starts laughing all the time while we are in a place where you supposed to be quiet for a (short time), then the whole group would laugh, even me. Other people would look at us like: idiots or be quiet.. or something. But it would be okay, since its just having fun and you see this behavior everywhere.

I'm never the one who "starts" talking loud or laughing loud tho, if our group is laughing, yeah I laugh too since I'm not the only one and I didn't start, even if we're supposed to be quiet in the library, but being the first one to start is hard.

Examples:

I feel like these people, who "sometimes", to some degree act like this, are the same people, who make new friends faster or don't seem as boring.
Every person who is social seems to have this behavior, not in an extreme way, but if this person is not considered "boring" to be alone with, they have it.

The same people who climb a tree just for lol, play a awkward game in public or say to a black girl in social circle which they just met, when their white, that she is their black sister or something, while I stand right beside them, showing me interested in her just how dale.C wrote in his book, to make friends.

When we meet the black girl again, she will remember my friend, her friends will remember my friend and I'll seem as boring/normal I guess, even though she could also get mad that he said this if she is conserative and so on. While they talk normally with me, they will act more playful with him and will be normal friendly with me, but not seem interested in me.

Not sure if my examples were good.

[PostScript]

There are levels of communication.

It's good that you are looking at charismatic people and trying to work out what the difference is between you and them, but what you are missing is what is underneath their behaviour.

A charismatic person says or does something just to amuse themselves or build the sense of fun of the interaction. Other people recognise that their emotional motivation is light and positive, and so it feels congruent and not a burden , so other people accept it positively. That's why they can say things that on paper sound negative, but people will still laugh - that's what banter is.

You on the other hand, infer that you try to behave the same way as them but people don't seem to take it the same way. That's because it's not congruent coming from you, because people can feel that you need a positive reaction to fulfil some issue emotionally.

I'm sorry if this is a little rough by the way, but I am trying to help.

So the question becomes, why do you need approval?

We all need approval, we are social beings. But, you need it because your mind is telling you bad things about yourself. Maybe some kids picked on you years ago. Maybe something bad happened. One way or the other, other people became scary and superior to you in your mind…so now you are stuck, trying to work out what to do to "fix" yourself.

The truth is that building genuine self esteem takes time, it's a mix of doing a lot of new stuff, and letting go of a lot of old stuff.

Try to break any behaviour that makes you feel bad about yourself. Do healthy things instead. Meditate to get your mind under control. Eat clean. Exercise. Play. Have fun. Do things that interest you, that you are good at, that make you feel good about yourself.

It's a bit like a set of scales, you keep taking negative weight off one end, and keep adding positive weight on the other end until eventually your mind, emotions and your life start to tip the other way.

Best of luck buddy, keep us posted!

[top-hat]

Originally Posted by PostScript

There are levels of communication.

It's good that you are looking at charismatic people and trying to work out what the difference is between you and them, but what you are missing is what is underneath their behaviour.

A charismatic person says or does something just to amuse themselves or build the sense of fun of the interaction. Other people recognise that their emotional motivation is light and positive, and so it feels congruent and not a burden , so other people accept it positively. That's why they can say things that on paper sound negative, but people will still laugh - that's what banter is.

You on the other hand, infer that you try to behave the same way as them but people don't seem to take it the same way. That's because it's not congruent coming from you, because people can feel that you need a positive reaction to fulfil some issue emotionally.

I'm sorry if this is a little rough by the way, but I am trying to help.

So the question becomes, why do you need approval?

We all need approval, we are social beings. But, you need it because your mind is telling you bad things about yourself. Maybe some kids picked on you years ago. Maybe something bad happened. One way or the other, other people became scary and superior to you in your mind…so now you are stuck, trying to work out what to do to "fix" yourself.

The truth is that building genuine self esteem takes time, it's a mix of doing a lot of new stuff, and letting go of a lot of old stuff.

Try to break any behaviour that makes you feel bad about yourself. Do healthy things instead. Meditate to get your mind under control. Eat clean. Exercise. Play. Have fun. Do things that interest you, that you are good at, that make you feel good about yourself.

It's a bit like a set of scales, you keep taking negative weight of one end, and keep adding positive weight on the other end until eventually your mind, emotions and your life start to tip the other way.

Best of luck buddy, keep us posted!

Felt like that warranted more than just a thanks. That was very insightful and very well explained.