Paradoxical confidence.
 

More about the thread title at the end.

Last night I decided I didn't want to sit at home but none of my flat mates wanted to go out, this meant I ended up going up to a pub on my own. Now I went to a fairly local pub in Finchley Central, the same pub I was at last saturday, before I went up I started texting one of the bar maids, kept taking the piss because she had no idea who was texting her (means she didn't save my number last week) I told her I'd come up and surprise her.

When I got up there I didn't see anyone I recognised so after getting a drink I went out into the smoking area and started chatting to a group of 4 guys, this was cool because it put me into a really social mood. Eventually the bar maid came and found me, if I'm honest I think she was disappointed that it was me, meh oh well, had a bit of a chat then she went home.

Not too long after this a mixed group appeared (2 cuties) the lads I was chatting to were talking about how "fit" one of them was, I suggested they introduce themselves, cue a litany of excuses, so I decided to open the group.
They were shrieking with laughter, so I think I opened with something silly like, oh no who's being murdered? Anyway got chatting about various crap with the group, then allowed myself to be persuaded to go another pub as that one was closing. I ended up chatting with the "fit" one on the way down, ripped on her a bit for being posh, and sat with her in the new pub, before I disappeared she pretty much demanded my number. This all sounds great so far, my issue is that I just don't close, I'm sure I could have kissed her (more than the customary peck).

So as things stand I've re-discovered the confidence to just go out alone and talk to people, this is cool, but if I'm honest I still have no confidence when it comes to pulling. This brings me to the title, people think I'm super confident, and in lots of ways I am, but I'm still not at all confident with women (if I want to sleep with them). I actually wonder if my "confidence" intimidates a lot of women, and if the ones it doesn't, intimidate me. (I'm still at a point where pretty much every woman I've been with has thrown herself at me, I want to move beyond this)

Had exactly the same problem - go out with the intention of closing! Everytime you sarge just think i need to close 1 way or another.

work on kino and leading whoever you'r with.

Also like Phil advocates put it out from the start - "hey you must be the cute 1 of the group" or be stronger set a sexual frame with a bit of innuendo "Posh girls are supposed to be really dirty in bed, are you?"

Confidence in relation to this is really just having no fear of being rejected. The more I thought about it i came to the conclusion - when you first meet a girl they're not rejecting you personally as they don't know anything about you it is merely because she isn't in the mood. Don't take something that isn't meant personally, personally

If your getting decent women throwing themselves at you, even in small numbers, I cant see that your doing alot wrong. I think your in danger of buying into the PUA "you should be able to pull any bird at will" myth.

Mate sounds like quality advice, I generally have no problems opening people, or getting phone numbers, but I think I succeed with this more in the frame as a friend. I guess it all comes down to limiting beliefs about my desirability, the key thing is to get over these, just trying to work out how.

I've always found that when I go out with the intention of pulling I generally fail, when I go out just having fun and don't think about girls, I usually get hit on quite a lot, I've always been shit at responding to this though.

Love the posh birds line, I've said shit to girls like that in the past, when I manage to stop being such a "nice guy"

Anyway been texting the "fit" one, seemed to be cool, then she casually dropped in something about her boyfriend, fuck it, still a potential friend, don't know enough people around here as I've spent far too much time sitting around getting high and staying in.

Cheers, but that was a while ago, I've been pretty much single for the last 2-3 years, I used to be fairly natural, just with massive limiting beliefs. I haven't really had decent women throwing themselves at me recently, and most of the best ones threw themselves at me whilst I was in a relationship and hence unavailable.

Thanks for your concern, but I'm not, I read The Game and it was both fascinating and disturbing, I don't want to be a "PUA" I just want to be comfortable hitting on girls.

Giant I was single for 3 years and it's totally down to your limiting beliefs. Lots of posters advocate watching RSD Blueprint decoded - Do it! It will help you release your true potential.

Next listen to your mates. They will tell you you're awesome and support you, because you seem like a nice chap and unless you've had a bear attack your face, you're probably not a bad looking chap either.

You probably perceive it that you're not wearing the right clothes or good looking enough for a fit girl. Not True! as long as you are wearing decently fashionable clothes (i like to add something quirky in to show I'm a little different) and you have a alright physique (you;'re not a fat slob) it totally comes down to your personality.

you can open girls, get conversation going, build comfort and even get numbers! So the problem here is you are not being forward/sexual enough. Use touching/kino to convey this. I picked up a little trick where if you keep eye contact and hold her forearm for several seconds early on in your interaction as it helps cement a connection. and I believe this is true, not because it's a magic bullet but because you are confidently making contact without acknowledging so. I also like to play and talk about any jewelry they have around their hands/wrists as you play and talk, then move onto something else but still hold their hand(s).

Also create a sexual private joke! but don't over use it. It works 2-fold, you can text/call her later and refer to it to reframe the conversation sexually but also recall her feelings of comfort and fun! You can also give a cheeky leg squeeze under the table to convey a private joke with a group and get some kino in!

I don't want to bombard you with too much advice other than aim to close either kiss or take home, even if you crash and burn because eventually it will just click!

More good advice from Dale, yeah it all comes down to limiting beliefs and not being sexual enough. Oh and weight is also an issue for me, I need to lose about 4 stone atm (I'm about 20 stone atm, I am 6'5" though), though people tell me I'm not really fat (go figure).

I've started using a lot more kino, it seems to come quite naturally i.e hugging, touching to emphasize a point, high five etc I think one of the biggest sticking points is dealing with rejection, on an intellectual level I know this is ridiculous, but inside it still really affects me, I've got better, I don't dwell on it anywhere near as much as I used to, but my heart still sinks when it happens.

I need to finish the blueprint, I listened to most of it a while ago, should really go back through it all and actually finish it. I've recommended it to people already based on what I'd heard. Just find Tyler really annoying unfortunately.

Once again thanks for the advice mate, I just need to actually take some of it, I also need to go out a lot more.

If there was 1 drawback it's listening to his voice!

If ever you're around Devon, give me a shout and we can hit up a town! But seriously believe in yourself!