Daves transition Diary

[DaveM2015]

Hey, I've just joined the forum but have been reading for a while. It's finally time to stop talking about doing something and actually do it so here I am. Hopefully I can regularly put updates to approaches on here as a good track record to build on and get feedback.

A bit about me, I'm 32 (hopefully not too old for this!), have gone from one long relationship to another and not really been happy with any, the thought of approaching terrifies me although I can talk pretty normally to most people.

Went on a Sasha Bootcamp in feb which was brilliant and got some success, for 2 weeks I felt so confident and at ease from momentum but I stopped doing approaches, pulled a really cute girl while on this high and got into a relationship, when I was aiming to do 5 a day to form a habit, my old negative insecure self came back and we broke up recently.

Now's time to take action so let's start this journey and see what happens...

[DaveM2015]

First log: I'm very new to this and approaching is massively out of comfort zone so these early reports may be a bit basic... (Apologies for super long first post!)

Saturday night: out with three friends (not into pickup) we got to a pub in centre, in the beer garden we're chatting and I notice 2 cute girls at a table near us (mid 30's), I go up to the bar to buy drinks and am thinking about approaching them, on the way back I walk near their table and say something like "you've both got the right idea being out here when it's so sunny!" (Lame I know), but they smile and laugh and say some other stuff and we chat for a minute before I move to our table.

About 15 mins goes by and my friend brings a tray with tequila on over to our table, I try and take a panoramic photo on my iPhone but am struggling as I try and get in it also lol

Without being prompted one of the girls I was chatting to comes over and offers to take a group picture of us downing the shots. We have a joke around and she goes back to table.



Afterwards I check photo and it's rubbish she's cut our heads off so I instinctivily wonder over show them both the picture and saying she's no budding david Bailey, we chat for more this time, I get a bit self conscious and go back to table, after next round of drinks I see one of the girls is on her own so I go over end up sitting down at her table and getting on really well her mate comes back and I engage them both, say if they can recommend any bars next and say we should swap numbers I whip out phone while talking and put it in front of her, she's laughs and the other girl tells me her mate is married with 2 kids (I spot the ring d'oh)' but the married one gives phone to her mate who gives me her number, that would normally be awkward but kept convo going, I didn't want it to seem like I wasn't bothered which one i likel lol I leave text her straight away saying miss me yet as a joke and they ask which bar we're going to.

About an hour later I spot them at a table near us in chilled out bar, I chat to them a few times and while her mate away talk to deb, it's going well, I try a bit of kino, something cheesy about her nice haircut, it feels like I'm running my mouth a lot and she wants me to kiss her but I'm nervous, her mate comes back we chat for a bit and they leave a bit later to go home her friend says you've got her number so make sure you call!

Oh well, missed opportunity, a bit later we hit a bar, it's busy I feel more pumped because of previous interaction open two girls on the dance floor say some stuff about them looking like students, their 26 and not students a bit more chat then aware I'm dancing next to them they haven't left but not really sure what to do, chat and dance with mates, drink a bit more then go home.

[Sugarspin]

32 is not too old for 'this'
But what is this?
If you mean improving yourself in all areas, and getting better and more successful with women wherever you meet them, then no 32 is not too old!

[DaveM2015]

Saturday night: bar crawl lay.

I went out last night on a 50 person organised bar crawl around town (with a Meetup.com group, surprisingly easy way of increasing social cicrcle and meeting new people).

I didn't know anyone there at first other than a couple of mates I brought along, one of them games a bit, but was keen to not rely on them as a safety net all night. When we got to the first pub a lot of people where split in groups talking, I got the impression some people arrived as solos and the girls mostly in 2s.

I felt quite stifled at first so in between chatting to my mates went for the 'low hanging fruit' of chatting to a few of the guys there more on the peripheral. It was great for building momentum of talking to new people. I then sat down at an empty chair in big mixed table and started chatting to the guy next to me then got a girl involved.

It's much easier talking to new people in this setting as every approach feels like a warm approach and you've instantly got a common ground.

At the next place I'm chatting to a lot of the different groups and it's going well, i realise I now have so much momentum talking to girls outside the group has virtually no anxiety which is good and feels fun.

I see my mate is chatting to 2 of the girls in our group, I join him and form a breakaway conversation with one of the girls, it turns out she's the organiser (late 20's) and seems fun. We're chatting for a bit and it feels like she's into me, after a bit I leave her chatting and I wonder to table I was at before and start speaking to the guys there again and to to make it seem I'm not too bothered about the girl. She joins me about 5 mins later and we're chatting a lot, I'm teasing her over some random dinosaur stickers she keeps putting on people.

Later, I grab a mate and do an approach and get into a good conversation with a couple of girls with sashes on a hen night, usual opening stuff I ask how they know hen etc it's weird I noticed how as long as you don't intentionally make it look like your chatting them up to impress anyone it helped amp attraction to the girl I was chatting to earlier.

I'm at the busy bar with the organiser, who'd been doing the rounds going round the groups and now came back to me, we're on our second round of cocktails together (she bought first round, I get this one), I'm doing a bit of kino, arms round waist etc, she puts her arm round my waist, we're still waiting for drinks to come back, I go in for kiss, she pulls back but is smiling and says not in front of everyone, which is cool. I carry on random chat.

Later we're on dance floor, more kino and we're snogging. Much later we're on terrace and I ask we're she lives and she does likewise I suggest we get cab to hers and then I'll go to mine. As we're walking to rank she says why don't I just stay at hers. Casually I agree, very good night.

[DaveM2015]

Lessons learned: it sounds obvious but I've found if I be sincere when chatting to people and don't put on a 'mask' of the fake you people are so much more responsive. I used to be afraid of what people would think of my personality in the past and try and be the person I thought people would respond to, louder, chav'y sounding etc and it was so superficial and probably obvious I wasnt comfortable in my skin, but tonight I was and just acted normally and chatted as if I was in my lounge with a coffee lol

The only thing I've consciously been doing recently is slowing the tempo of my speech down as I am notoriously a fast talker. I've also found Meditation is insanely powerful and make me relaxed and chilled out when in socially heavy environments later. Yesterday afternoon I spent 45 minutes in my lounge on sofa, not doing anything, ie, no fb on phone, telly, reading, just my thoughts. I need to do this more as there are so many screen distractions, getting away from them is a brilliant release valve.

I think Tyler says something about it feeling like 'my house' when out in a bar, and although slightly artificially created it did feel very comfortable and at home, I wish I had this every night, I know if it was just me and a mate in town I'd be much more stifled and reluctant to cold approach initially.

Despite last nights success I have a very long journey to go as i do fear the cold approach and have self confidence issues and give my power away to everyone. Last night was a temporary reprieve where I genuinly felt on form. I haven't done any day approaches since February so need to get back into it, I am trying to be more sociable in my day to day interactions though,ie, chatting to checkout girls more than bare minimum, engage new people at water cooler at work, small steps lol

[Sugarspin]

Awesome mate.
It sounds like you've figured out a lot of stuff about yourself and are working quickly to rectify- that's very powerful as you take control - not easy and there will be setbacks, but this is lasting change in mindset and behaviour, not routines and band-aids.
Meditation is definitely something I've found to be beneficial generally- takes the heat out, chills you down.
The meetups are socialising with stabilisers-I find they can be very hit and miss.
Had a few girls off them - the gossip spreads quick though.
Also seen a few of the lads from here at one of them which was amusing!
It's all momentum, have fun.

[DaveM2015]

Approaches only.

An interesting night tonight. I was out with friends in town. At first I was very stifled. Confident in group but faking it and sooo aware of everyone else and there opinions and whether I should be aplroaching. I really need to get out of this mindset.

In the first bar just chatting to mates, halfway thorough a mates friend whose a girl (has a fella) turns up, it's weird how when there's a girl in the group it feels like a weight is lifted and it's easier to converse.

In the second bar we go to some Jamaican themed place which had a dance floor I actually do a lot of approaches in here. There are two slightly older (mid thirties) girls at bat I chat to them for a bit, find out its one of there's brthday, I rib them for sitting in the corner and should be dancing. I get a bit self conscious and make excuses and leave.

I join mates on the dance floor there's 2 nice looking girls on floor, I go up to them and ask if they know what that random African guitar instrument is called one of the band are playing.

They chat for a bit, I ask what brings them out, they say it's her 34th birthday. Another 2 set on a birthday. Random.

We chat for a bit I get nervous and excuse self and return to mates. They seem to be dancing and get nearer to me. I reinitiate and see the hotter one has a small tattoo on her arm. I'm tempted to get a half sleeve on one of my arms (something if you know me that is massively out of charachter but I want one), I ask how much pain was involved, she probably gets asked that all the time but it was all I could think of. We chat some more they leave floor and speak to mates. Later they leave. Oh well.

From when we come in there's a big group of girls at a table they seem fun, I think about aplroaching but get nervous, head to floor, two of the girls breakaway from table and join floor too. I do nothing

2 seriously cute girls are at the bar, my mates chatting to them gets blown out. I chat to my girl mate nearby then open, I think the same cheesy line about the African guitar. I see they are going roll up ciggerates, I say its my vice they give me one and say I should join. I take and carry on chatting to mates while there still rolling there's. I should of talked to them to get to know them better.

I go outside first, chat to guys and girls out there, see the girls and my mate wonder over, chatting to one it doesn't feel great, my mates turn up we're going to next bar. Girls say there staying and to have a good night.

At next place, I open 2 girls in beer garden chatting, something bad like do they still do shisha here blah blah, chat for sec then go to bar. One of the girls is alongside me at bar, I chat and say they've stopped doing shisha then random chat say bye.

Later in club inside see cute girl, say I like your reebok trainers very vintage. She laughs and says something. It's hard as its on a loud dance floor and I really don't know what to say on dance floors.

We chat again later. The band ends about two thirty I go home with the guys. Good approaching quantity but I need to try harder lol

[PostScript]

Ah dood give yourself a break, you just got stifled and struggle to shrug it off over the night…it's not a crime and you are doing fine!

FYI it was all because of what was going on in your head earlier in the day. Likely you were telling yourself you were "going out to hit on girls" or some such, which made you anxious and your brain spent the rest of the night trying to protect you from that by shutting down and making you want to leave.

I once met one of Juggler's old instructors who told me that if I just focused on having fun a lot of things would work out on their own. They were so right, that advice really stuck with me. If you go out just to have fun a lot of things happen. Your body relaxes. Your mind perceives no threat. It opens up and helps you rather than closing down and stifling you. Next time you feel stifled, switch the goal of the night to having fun and see what happens!

[DaveM2015]

Could try harder... - France

I know this is a bit of an unproductive field report but I vowed to put the good and bad nights on here not just my rose tinted nights.
Yesterday I drove to Arachon (near Bordeaux), with some mates for a week long guys camping/drinking/beach trip. 3 of us and another flying out today.

Last night we had dinner and hit a few bars near beach strip, it's Thursday at the resort so more family oriented and holiday makers are 95% French.

My mates arnt into pickup and happy to chat and have a laugh which fine. We're at a bar around this beer barrel table all talking, near end of our drinks I spot these two cute 25ish French girls chatting at table next to us. I'm chatting to mates but now I'm thinking about the girls lol

I turn to them and say excuse me, then say we're discussing good bars to go and can they recommend anything? They seem to like being posed the question and are keen to offer advice, I say thanks and mention how we've just arrived and have found the place really inviting so far. Chat for another minute then I get in my head, bail. (It was a bit harder as my mates we're just chatting amongst themselves and not really joining in).

We leave, hit a few more bars chatting to mates, there were opportunities around.

The main reasons I can think of for my lack of action:

It was first day here and tiring long drive
No momentum of talking to new people during day
A lot of self imposed goals that the evening would be approach evening
(Postscript makes a good point about going out to have fun not with approach expectation so it can grow organically)
Friends are more comfortable chatting in group so less of a call to action to approach
Resort is heavily French speaking (although that shouldn't be a barrier?)
I didn't build on first approach, usually by 2 or 3rd momentum hits in

It's a new day today, we're off to beach and then a big one tonight and 4th mate arrives who is a bit more outgoing. It will be good to chill out during the day, hopefully be social to most people I see, have fun and not beat self up too much, the holiday is young.

Next action steps: go out to have fun and be in the moment
When I do approach, try not to bail so soon. Go for the number at some point in the interaction.

[Sugarspin]

This ' a lot of self imposed goals - your only goal is enjoy the holiday!