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Default First Date Advice - 16-04-2018, 12:09 AM

Hi,
Coming out of a 17 year relationship+marriage.

My face to face / social skills confidence is pretty shot at the moment, but I can still type / text a good game.
So about 2 weeks ago I thought I'd join the online dating places - Match and POF. Had a few likes/matches and send a couple of messages, got a few myself.
I've been pretty chilled, not sending many messages myself because I wanted to actually sort of "build a list" , see who was friendly, open to messaging etc. and then when I felt ready I'd have a ready-made list to try and make dates with.

... Anyway - someone wants to "meet for coffee".
This should be the goal - right? But, then it hit me - "what the fuck do people talk about/do these days" and the panic set in lol.
I'm totally not feeling ready at the moment. And I know that because I am thinking I don't feel ready, that's what makes me not ready. If I "felt" ready, even though I hadn't done any brushing up or researching at all, then I probably would actually BE ready - as 99% is all about the confidence.

BUT - it's not as easy to just flick a switch and get the confidence / mojo back.
So I am looking for some first date advice please.
Anything at all. Things to say, other places to go (apart from coffee, because I actually hate coffee).

I messaged back saying I'd rather go bowling or play pool, but I definitely want to met her too.... which could be a mistake - is it?
I was thinking if I go to where she suggested and the only thing to do is see her - then it's like my whole purpose for going out is to go out and see her, whereas if we were doing some activity then I could be like in the mindset of "I'm going to play pool, and she's tagging along". Making it about the activity and not all about her.
Waiting for her to come back on that one right now with an answer
Alternatively I could always message back and say "fuck it, let's do coffee - but it'll be your responsibility to find me something I like to drink "
Or something along those lines.

Any and all help/advice an even criticism accepted. Especially any tips to arm me with knowledge. I feel like I'm going to turn up and be all nervous, and because I'm thinking that way I know I'll turn out to be true. I think if I can get some good pointers, and feel confident about what I'm going to do/say then some of the old mojo will come back and I'll be alright.
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(#2)
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Default 16-04-2018, 11:56 AM

Well what are you looking for? a relationship or a fuck? I sense your nerves are based in the fact that you want the date to go well. But how about you just take the pressure off and see this as practice.

When two people meet they should get to know each other, throw in some humour, teasing and tell some stories from your life. But keep it light and positive.

You're out of practice but you're treating this as if it's some big deal when it isn't. You may end up not liking her.

Yes you might fuck up and it might not go well but Atleast you can learn from the experience.

I actually prefer ro meet women either during the daytime or in bars.

Out of interest where are you based?
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Kyllerbuzcut (16-04-2018)
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Default 16-04-2018, 03:18 PM

I think you got it with the question asking what in want out of it.
I don't know - lol

I started out just trying to get a few contacts that I would then later on decide whether to act on or not.
This woman looks quite hot from her pic (for our age group - she's 5 years younger) and seems to have a very nice, down to earth personality (so far) which I like, so if I turn up and she looks at least almost like her pic I will want to take it further. If she's seriously top of the class, personality wise, in person I would definitely then want to play the long game, like leave and wait a couple of days before contacting again and escalate from there. If she turns out to look like the back end of a bag of spuds then I can safely treat it as "practice" lol.

I put a few pics of me up - a range of them, but a few recent ones that are true to life, if maybe a little flattering- and I'm definitely no oil painting. It's not like I uploaded a pic of the latest hollywood hunk, so I must have done something seriously right on my profile and showed good game in My messaging,

Now the problem is that while I may be able to talk the good text-talk, I don't think I'm able to (not yet) walk the good real-life walk if it turns out I need to.
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Default 16-04-2018, 03:19 PM

Sorry - I'm living in Preston, Lancs.
And wanted to add I'm ok with a lot of the theory and can usually analyse where other people wemt right/wrong, but when it's myself I'm too close and couldn't see something right in front of my eyes - lol. If you were to video me i'd be facepalming myself and sayong "you should've said /done THIS!!!"

This is why forums like this are excellent so we can all help each other.

Also - I decised to message her back first to say"fuck it, you won me over, let's try coffee, but it'll be up to you to find me something nice to drink"
Or words to that effect.

Last edited by Kyllerbuzcut; 16-04-2018 at 03:29 PM. Reason: Adding
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Default 16-04-2018, 05:16 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyllerbuzcut View Post
Sorry - I'm living in Preston, Lancs.
And wanted to add I'm ok with a lot of the theory and can usually analyse where other people wemt right/wrong, but when it's myself I'm too close and couldn't see something right in front of my eyes - lol. If you were to video me i'd be facepalming myself and sayong "you should've said /done THIS!!!"

This is why forums like this are excellent so we can all help each other.

Also - I decised to message her back first to say"fuck it, you won me over, let's try coffee, but it'll be up to you to find me something nice to drink"
Or words to that effect.
No problem! Why are you going the internet dating route? How about trying cold approach? You could try small talk in shops, on the train, in bars and pubs etc.
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Default 16-04-2018, 05:37 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by tony77 View Post
No problem! Why are you going the internet dating route? How about trying cold approach? You could try small talk in shops, on the train, in bars and pubs etc.

Partly it's a numbers game.
I don't get much free time. I work a "9-5" style job and have kids I need to pick up from school and ferry here and there on certain days.
On days where I do have time I've been out, took random walks into shops - just saying hi to random people, making a comment here and there about what people are looking at.
Definitely need more confidence there. Although - at work, where I'm not trying, and it's about 80% female I just crack jokes, insult them, have them insult me and we all laugh about it. It's weird - definitely a psychological thing I just need some time to get over.

With the internet, you can just submit your details and then there's the possibility of 100s of local girls/women seeing your profile - and they are already on there because they either want a date or the love of her life, or even just a quick lay. Either way - they are seeking you out, and with a search you can find them and send some messages. It's like having a bot working for you even when you're asleep or at work.
When contact does occur, I get time to think and compose an answer. Look for any possible shit-tests, think of some witty things to slip in to the message etc.

The hard part is bridging the gap from talking via text to talking in real life, and then turning a face-to-face meet from an awkward mess into an awesome fun experience.
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Default 16-04-2018, 06:17 PM

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kyllerbuzcut View Post
Partly it's a numbers game.
I don't get much free time. I work a "9-5" style job and have kids I need to pick up from school and ferry here and there on certain days.
On days where I do have time I've been out, took random walks into shops - just saying hi to random people, making a comment here and there about what people are looking at.
Definitely need more confidence there. Although - at work, where I'm not trying, and it's about 80% female I just crack jokes, insult them, have them insult me and we all laugh about it. It's weird - definitely a psychological thing I just need some time to get over.

With the internet, you can just submit your details and then there's the possibility of 100s of local girls/women seeing your profile - and they are already on there because they either want a date or the love of her life, or even just a quick lay. Either way - they are seeking you out, and with a search you can find them and send some messages. It's like having a bot working for you even when you're asleep or at work.
When contact does occur, I get time to think and compose an answer. Look for any possible shit-tests, think of some witty things to slip in to the message etc.

The hard part is bridging the gap from talking via text to talking in real life, and then turning a face-to-face meet from an awkward mess into an awesome fun experience.

Well its up to you dude but I feel as men we should approach women. However I do use a couple of sites, even Tinder and Bumble and I did get a same date fuck from Okcupid one time lol

I think you are probably more comfortable at work and women feel comfortable too as they already know you. You know how far you can push things and there is somewhat of a security blanket for all sides.

How do you get to work? if you take the train you can chat to women on the train. Could you wake up earlier and go to a coffee shops. These can be good places for meeting people. Sunday morning I got chatting with a cute girl getting a cappuccino. I simply asked her what its like then we got chatting. Most of the time I use my observational skills and humour then build from there.

What I hate about internet dating is that its another tool that makes us men take things for granted. Its almost as bad as guys using alcohol for dutch courage to chat up women in bars/clubs. So I would say whenever you can do go out and chat to women. You can even do this going about your day, you don;t need to set a specific time or place, fit in your daily routine. You just need more practice. And theres a shit ton of videos on youtube of guys approach women!
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Kyllerbuzcut (16-04-2018)
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Default 16-04-2018, 07:04 PM

To begin with, don't treat it as practice because you can't treat it as practice because it isn't practice. It's a real girl that you really wanna bang on a real date.

Treating that as practice is some weird sociopathic pua nonsense. Anyone advising you to do so is a sociopath.


Peace,

kowalski


Be authentic

Last edited by kowalski; 16-04-2018 at 07:33 PM.
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Default 16-04-2018, 07:32 PM

Next up, nothing wrong with having a drink to lower your inhibitions. That's literally the point of alcohol and the consumption of alcohol is literally the point of a bar / club. If alcohol didn't exist, bars would not exist.

And, as has been repeated many times here, going out sober to purposely hit on drunk girls is not brave it's creepy. Anyone advising you to do so is a creep.


Peace,

kowalski


Be authentic

Last edited by kowalski; 16-04-2018 at 07:51 PM.
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(#10)
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Default 16-04-2018, 08:26 PM

Good points from everyone, and thanks for supplying them. Don't feel the need to stop. If I'm an idiot call me it

Tony:
I know in myself I'm just not there yet, to go straight into cold approaches etc. In my younger days, sometimes I would be in the most excellent mood, not looking for chicks, just going about having a laugh, and looking back I must have looked like a natural or total pro, then at other times when going out thinking about pulling a chick - I would become the nervous idiot again. Now - about 20 years on from those times, it would take a whole lot to channel the kind of places I would be at in the "awesome times".

Boringly - I walk to work. wake up about 40 mins before I have to start, splash some water on me, and get out. Or sometimes have to take the kids to breakfast club at school.

I do agree that I definitely need to do more just talking and random things to people in queues or passers by etc. I have begun - and am on the journey, but it's very early days.

Kowalski:
The only way I think I'd start thinking of it as practice would be to make that the frame of mind that I put myself in - but it's all in order to reach the end goal.... unless it was a blind date or something and she turned to be really THAT fugly lol Then I might practice how to "let girls down gently" and see what I can get away with saying

I wouldn't go out prowling the street for drunk girls - that definitely could be considered creepy in some instances.
It might be equally inappropriate, to turn up to a coffee establishment half-cut though
I guess just downing a swift shot of whiskey or something before going out would be about right.

You are 100% correct that the end goal is to bang the girl. Keep the eyes on the price etc. I think there might be some differences though depending on whether you are happy for it just to happen once, or if you want to put a little more work into making it longer term. I suppose some people's techniques don't change either way, but where I am is I'm kinda stuck at the moment until the moment when we've actually met and have decided which route to go down.

It's having that thought "I'm going to bang her" - in the back of my mind that I know will trip me up though. Unless I really am properly clued up and practiced on all the techniques I know I'll just be doubting it and that'll turn to nervousness and panic and it'll fall apart. Conversely, if I was in a state of mind where I couldn't be arsed whether she wanted sex or not, and I was just going about my day, I would probably end up at her place that same night - lol

I guess I'm looking for advice on good topics to chat about, things to say that are being talked about these days, and general etiquette. A LOT has probably changed in 2 years.
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