Hey there, I have trouble socialising with my uni class. I sit with a group of eastern european guys and that hasn't really been a good strategy in making friends with the girls in my class. I did pull one girl from my uni class one night and she told most of the class about it so it's a bit awkward, i dont talk to her. There are 22 people on my course. I want to make a fresh start the next semester. Please tell me how to get into the social circle of the girls. My aim is to just be friends and another thing, i am terrible at initiating conversation on social media. How and when do i do that?

Hey man,

Unpack your ideas a bit...

How did you pull one of the girls?
How did others coming to know about it become awkward?
Why do you not talk to the girl you pulled


Peace,

kowalski

It was a course night out, during the night I started talking to her in the club and it just happened. The next few days, I came to know she told her friends in the class about what had happened. I didn't give a fuck but most of them told me that it's awkward to hookup with a person from your course. That's the reason why I feel awkward now. I am 20 and she is 18, maybe she is a bit immature, not bitchy tho. She texted me saying lets forget about it and I agreed.

I just can't talk to girls in my uni class for some reason. If there is a group project or a task where we have to interact with one another, then I can talk normally but talking casually, I can't do it.

This isn't facetious - You were talking casually with that girl and it went really well at the time. Now you are saying you can't talk casually with female coursemates. Buy you already have done. So, evidently, you can talk casually with female coursemates.

Still need more info on the situation with the girl to understand it.

How long between hooking up and her texting you - let's leave it?
Was there other communication in that time? If so what, if not why?
What genders are these ’most' people?
Why do they think it is awkward to hook up with a coursemate?

Bonus questions: Is there really a social circle of girls? And why want to be in one?


Peace,

kowalski

I asked one of my friends when he was uni about this and his advice to me was to simply as a girl you like for help. Then you can help and progress from there. Not sure how it works as since then I've not been in a situation similar but yeah.

Me and the girl were drunk. We started our course night out out from a flat where we all already had drinks. In the club we had more. After everyone got seperated, it was me and her and a couple. There were kissing and while we were talking and dancing in the club. During that I went for a kiss and then it just happened. After a few days she texted me saying that she heard I was feeling awkward about what had happened and that she had too much to drink and that it would be better to forget about it. I agreed because we have 4 course years ahead of us. I also told her I didnt feel awkward but people in class thought it was so that's why. Both girls and guys in my class thought it was awkward. I guess it's awkward here in Scotland because i didnt feel awkward at first when it happened. We didn't talk between the time we hooked up and she texting me because I guess it goes back to me not being able to talk casually with my coursemate girls. Althought she does look at me and wants me to talk to her but I cant and its too late, she probably thinks i was only interested in sex. When i am drunk i can easily approach girls and also hookup with them but when im sober i cant because I have anxiety. I am also good looking but a bit short and it kills me when a girl stares at me and wants me to talk to them. I want to start hanging out with my girl course mates just as friends so that i can eliminate my anxiety. There is no social circle at the moment but in the second semester people will get to know eachother better and its only a matter of time before it is made.

Ok. That helps. Still you haven't given a reason why they think it is awkward. Being in Scotland is irrelevant. Maybe they didn't give you a reason. Then again if you were too shy to chat or even text the girl you banged, then it is awkward because you are making it awkward. Maybe they were all responding to that.

If you know when girls are into you and don't do anything about it, there's little anyone can do to help. You know what you need to do. With these girls you don't even have to carry the chat or have a personality, they'll fill in the gaps for you. Whatever you do they'll find a way to interpret that into something that attracted them because they are already attracted.

I don't think that hanging out with girls who you know and become comfortable with is going to help very much if at all when it comes to chatting unknown girls you fancy. Is a completely different thing. You already have it with guys but I bet you'd feel almost as much anxiety going up to a random guy and making friends with him over nothing. Or even just saying 'hello' to the next person who passes you in the street.

Working on anxiety is an activity that you can do in place of taking action. However long you work on anxiety and whichever way you work on anxiety eventually you will come to the moment when you take action. At that moment you'll realise that all the years working on anxiety was more or less pointless and that you could have taken action at any time.

To begin with stop saying 'i can't' about things that you clearly can do but in whatever way you choose not to or won't do. You can, for example, ’talk to girls in [your] uni class'. You can talk. You have access to the class. There are girls there. They can hear sounds and communicate in English. Etc. Etc.

It's a while since I was in uni. In the first weeks there was a girl in logic class that I liked, Becky, and I figured she liked me. I was nervous about chatting her. So I preplanned it that after class I would say hello to her in the hall and ask if she'd like to go out sometime. I did this and she said she had a boyfriend and that she was flattered.

If you wanna be mates with your class people, at the start of class on a Friday just say ”hey everyone, after class some of us are going to the union for Friday drinks. Everyone is invited" then at the end of class make a specific move to chat to the people you'd especially like to come and re-invite them. If you want, make little fliers and hand them out to each person individually, ask their names if you don't already know, encourage them to come, refute their excuses etc.

I did exactly this, except in an office environment, when I returned to Manchester and didn't know anyone. It's fascinating how socially fluid you become with a flier in your hand.

Here's the advice you need which could save you years of your life - Feel the fear and do it anyway.


Peace,

kowalski

Thank you so much, your advice is really helpful